100 ways to make jaspers life easier ( i dont own any this but i found it really funny so i thought i'd share it)

Due to the trauma from which Jasper is suffering, we the siblings of Emmett Cullen hereby decree, in order to take the precautions necessary, this word is the law and is to be abided.

"Edward, leave it to you to make it sound stupid.”

“Alice, shut up.”

You may not tell Jasper that Alice left him for Mike Newton.

You may not tell Jasper that the evil penguins took your remote control & are coming from him next.

You may not tell your Biology teacher that Jasper is in love with him.

You may not tie Jasper up and read him the phone book for four hours.

You may not tie Jasper up and paint his toe nails purple with Rosalie’s nail-polish.

You may not force Jasper to listen to the Spice Girls’ music over and over and over.

You may not tell Jasper that Alice is cheating on him with a werewolf.

You may not sign Jasper up for tap-dance lessons…

And then say, “Up for some Jazz, Jazzy?”

You may not paint the keyboard of Jasper’s computer with Elmer’s Glue.

You may not sing Sarah Bareilles’ Love Song when Jasper won’t let you hold his old rifle.

You may not tell Jasper that “You never treat me right, so I guess its over,” when he asks to borrow your jeep.

You may not spread rumors that Jasper is a “Barbie Girl”.

You may not spread rumors about Jasper’s “condition”…he does not have a “condition”

“Emmett! You told people I have a condition?!”

“Yes, and they laughed.”

You may not buy Jasper multiple Barbie Dolls and then offer to play dollies with him.

You may not taunt Jasper about his Minnie Mouse Halloween costume(s).

You may not taunt Jasper about his Care Bear Halloween costume(s).

You may not pay Jasper to sing Christmas Carols in June.

You may not force Jasper to sing Christmas Carols in June.

You may not paint Jasper’s room black.

You may not force Jasper to play patty-cake with you.

You may not tell everyone that Jasper is a blood sucking monster. (even if it is true)

“Emmett, please give Edward the pencil back. Edward, can you please erase that last part?”

You may not give Jasper live animals for his birthday.

You may not steal all of Jasper’s shoes and then tell him that the neighbor’s cat ate them.

You may not force Jasper to play tea party with you.

You may not write slash about Jasper on and then force him to read it.

You may not hug random people on the street and then say Jasper told you to do so.

You may not tell Jasper that the fan girls are coming to drag him away.

You may not walk up to Jasper and say “Won’t you be my friend?” in a creepy voice.


“Won’t you be my friend Jasper?”

“No! Help! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

“Emmett, leave Jasper alone.”

“Make me Edward!”

You may not buy Jasper a pink sweatshirt and pretend to cry when he won’t wear it.

You may not buy Jasper a t-shirt that reads: Official Member of the Edward Fan Club.

You may not sing the Itsy-Bitsy Vampire song to Jasper. (derivative of the Itsy-Bitsy Spider song)

You may not steal Jasper’s cell phone and prank-call all of his contacts.

You may not set him up on a blind date with Jessica Stanley.

You may not volunteer Jasper to sell cookies for the lethal girl scouts again.

You may not tell Jasper that the dead flowers in Esme’s garden are coming back to life to attack him.

You may not buy Jasper a new mattress and then pretend to cry when he won’t sleep on it.

You may not tell random strangers on the street that Jasper kidnaps little kids’ teddy bears.

You may not tell Mike Newton’s mom that Jasper is in love with her.

You may not tell Jasper that Alice loves you more than him.

You may not post slash about yourself on the internet and then tell people Jasper wrote it.

You may not form an angry mob against Jasper.

You may not hack into Jasper’s personal files on the computer and then blackmail him.

You may not buy Jasper a collar for his dog and then when he won’t use it tell people he ate his dog.


“I never ate my dog! I never even had a dog!”

“You don’t have a dog, so you must have eaten it! Ha!”

“Stop it! Both of you.”

“Yes Alice.”

“Yes Alice.”

You may not cut the seat out of all of Jasper’s pants.

You may not replace all of Jasper’s clothes with pink dresses.

…And then ask him if he feels pretty.

You may not draw skulls on Jasper’s forehead after you knock him unconscious.

(AN/ can you knock a vampire unconscious?)

You may not break Esme’s favorite lamp and blame it on Jasper.

You may not fill Rosalie’s hairdryers with baby powder and then blame it on Jasper.

You may not set a snare trap for Jasper.

You may not tell people that Jasper was bitten by a radioactive spider.

You may not hack into Jasper’s email account and send people hate-mail.

You may not try to convince Esme that Jasper moved to Canada

…And then buy him a Canadian Flag.

You may not bedazzle Jasper’s favorite hat and then pretend to cry when he won’t wear it anymore.

You may not dress Jasper up like Batman and force him to dance at the mall to the song Barbie Girl.

You may not paint Jasper’s rifle with “peanut butter paste”…

And then blame it on the evil penguins.

You may not offer Jasper a bottle marked “Grizzly Delite”

…And then cry and throw it at him when he asks why Delight is spelled wrong.

You may not finish all sentences with the words “in accordance with the prophecy” when you talk to Jasper.

You may not say “Do you want fries with that?” every time Jasper asks you to do something.

You may not draw faces on potatoes with sharpies and then tell Jasper that they will eat him.

You may not attack Jasper with sporks.

“My spork thinks he’s batman!”

“Will someone please take that spork away from Emmett?”

“Ahhhhhhh!”

You may not sing the toast song over and over and over. (refer to Randomizm – toast)

You may not give out Jasper’s cell phone number to random girls you see at the mall.

You may not pay Mike Newton’s mom to force-feed Jasper cookies.

You may not buy Jasper a leopard named George on EBay.

You may not club Jasper with a banana and then cry when Jasper won’t eat it.

You may not change Jasper’s computer’s desktop to a picture of a pink cat labeled ‘Alice’.

You may not send Jasper flair on Facebook that refers to how wonderful ‘Team Jacob’ is.

You may not stick post-its that say “I’m a pansy” to the back of Jasper’s shirt.

You may not say “Hail Queen Jasper of the Fluffy Bunnies” when you pass him in the hall.

You may not give him Hannah Montana concert tickets and cry when he won’t go to the show.

You may not buy plush fuzzy bunnies and threaten him with them.

You may not tie down Jasper and then force his finger into an electric pencil sharpener.

You may not force Jasper to watch Barney and then sing the “I Love You” song to him.

You may not sing the “Pretty Song” from West Side Story when you are around him.

You may not randomly hug Jasper and tell him that he’ll be missed after the plush fuzzy bunnies devour him alive.

You may not kick, bite, or hit yourself and then blame it on Jasper.

You may not erase all of Jasper’s files on his computer

… And then run around screaming “the plush fuzzy bunnies are in association with the evil penguins”

You may not force Jasper to dance to the Pussycat Doll’s music.

You may not dismember Jasper’s Wii.

You may not force-feed Esme’s crochet project to Jasper.

You may not tell Jasper that the blender is out to get him.

You may not tell Jasper that the carnivorous mice are plotting revenge.

You may not glue Jasper to the wall.

You may not blackmail Jasper with videos of him chewing on aluminum foil.

You may not call Mike Newton on the phone and tell him that Jasper started Global Warming.

You may not tell everyone in school that Bella and Jasper eloped to Las Vegas.

You may not tell Jasper that the civil war generals are rising from the dead to come after him. Then bring back
pictures of their graves.

You may not force Jasper to feel your lust for Rosalie every time he is in the room.

You may not make a batman costume and then try to make Jasper look like the Joker (from any of the batman movies or TV shows or comics) or any other comic/movie/television series character.

You may not lick Jasper.

You may not wrap duck tape all around Jasper and then take pictures and send to every vampire he has ever known.

You may not buy Jasper ANY kind of pet (puppies, cats, werewolves,...well he can eat the cats...)

“Rosalie! Just because you had one cat pee on you hairdryer doesn’t mean you can feed Jasper eat cats!”

“Why shouldn’t I Bella? It ruined one of my precious hairdryers!”

“You have three thousand in a storage house somewhere in Australia. And twenty of them here.”

“Shut up Edward!!”

You may not yell “I’m gonna beat you with a spoon because my Spork is playing BATMAN!!” when ever Jasper asks you not to touch his laptop.

You may not steal Jasper's food and then pretend to kidnap Bella so you can make a show of feeding the helpless human to the depressed and wretched vampire.

“Will you get over that Edward!?”

“No I won’t! He nearly killed her and it was all your fault Emmett.”

“Wimp!”

“Shut up Emmett.”

“Well that is one hundred things Emmett isn’t allowed to do to Jasper. Hope it helps keep Jazz sane a while longer”

“It should do…for now…sanity’s overrated anyway.”

“Emmett, if wanted your opinion we would beat it out of you.”

“Lucky for you, those steps of violence won’t be necessary…in accordance with the prophecy.”

“OW! That HURT! You know you really ought to go to therapy for your anger issues Edward.”

“I know, but slapping the snot out of you is so much more fun.”

Tags: emmett, funny, jasper

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oh my.... so funny..... lol....
wow. that was hilarious!!! My sunday evening was completely boring until just now. that made my night!!! thanks!!!

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