31.Grand Theft Auto At A Funeral? Nice!
The week after my dear old Grandma's death had been long an tiring, but 'amazingly' we all seemed to be taking the loss of the...wonderful (Ugh) woman quite well. You're probably wondering why in that sentence I didn't refer to her as Bat, Hag, B****, or Satan. Believe me, it took all my self control not to. The only reason I didn't was because my Dad made a deal with me. Be nice about her and I'll be ungrounded. Sounded easy enough at first, but believe me, it was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever encountered.
Now when I said that everyone had been taking the news well, I meant everyone.Including my Grandpa Jim, who I swear I saw throw his walking stick up in the air and attempt to dance while singing - badly I might add. I don't think I had ever seen him look so...happy? I could only wonder how bad living with her actually was? I mean, all I had been subjected to was visits. I don't even want to imagine what living with her permanently would be like.
"So..." My Dad had asked a few days before the funeral "What songs do you want played at the funeral, and no Edward! 'Celebrate Good Times'will not be one of them."
I closed my mouth as quick as it had opened. Sometimes I think my Dad is a mind reader, you know that.
"Would 'Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead' be a better choice?" I had asked, receiving a glare from my Dad, but a slight chuckle from my Grandfather and Bella.
Hey, if I was being forced into helping arrange this thing, I was going to at least have a little bit of fun whilst doing it. You'd think that grounding me would be punishment enough for mailing myself to the house (although I didn't really see anything terribly bad in it), but my Dad decided he would go the extra mile and add this to the list! My Gran being dead was almost as annoying as her being alive...Almost.
When the day of the funeral finally rolled along, I couldn't help but grumble. Not only was I being subjected to attending, where I was bound to see James again, but it was pouring with rain as well. Not something that I was looking forward to standing in when at the graveside. My Dad had suggested to my Cramp's that he get My Grans body shipped over to Jerusalem, a place where she loved to visit three times every year, and have her buried there, but I was quick to change his mind. All I had to say was that thousands of years ago, the most amazing man to walk on Earth died there, but three days later rose from the dead...Did we really want to take the risk of that happening with her!? So Forks it was.
I buired my hands deep into my pockets, grumbling as the rain began to pour more and more. Why was it that Ihad to stand outside and greet everyone as they entered the church for the service!? Seriously. I want my Mom to come home soon. Carlisle's punishments were strange and cruel. At least I wasn't alone though. Bella stood by my side, holding an umbrella over our heads to keep us dry, Jasper, Emmett, Rose and Alice doing the same only a few feet away. Now that's what I call friendship. They didn't even have to come to this thing.
"When they bringing the coffin in?" Emmett asked as more and more people filed into the church, causing many of them to gasp in horror.
Jeez Em, you sure do pick your moments to ask awkward questions.
"Probably a few minutes after the service begins." I grumbled "The damn hearse hasn't even shown up yet. We're freezing our a**** off here!"
Not a secret that I wasn't the happiest person in the world right about now. The only good thing about today was that James couldn't make it. Something about being a little sick. Yeah right. Now I don't know what Septic Shock is, but it can't be that bad. Right?
We continued to stand there in the rain, the church completely full, but still we had to wait to see if anyone else showed up. I couldn't help but sigh in relief though when the hearse appeared. Time to get this show on the road. Emmett, Jasper and I headed towards the black car as it came to a stop, hoping to give the driver a hand at...unloading. Jasper grabbed a nicely decorated gurney type thing that the coffin would sit on as it was wheeled into the church.
"So..." The driver of the hearse began, trying to make conversation "You boys do this often? I don't think I've ever seen you around."
"That's because we don't work here." Emmett began "We're just helping out...sorta..."
The driver went to speak once more, but stopped when his pager went off. Seriously. A hearse driver needs a pager?
"Oh crap!" He cried, looking at it "I gotta go guys! My wife's having the baby now! You can finish off here, right?"
"What!?" Jasper cried "You can't just leave us here with...this!?"
But he was gone before Jasper could even finish, leaving us standing outside the church with my dead Grandma. This has got 'Trouble' written all over it.
Oh my gosh! The driver just up and left on us! What the hell do we do now!? Do we take the casket into the church, wheel her on up to the front before taking our seats and 'mourn', or do we stand out her like a group of idiots, waiting for someone to realise that they're missing a very big thing at a funeral. THE BODY! Ok, just stay calm Bella. It's not the end of the world. You just have the fate of an old wrinkly dead person in your hands. Ugh, my kids going to need a therapist by the time they're three! Rose, Alice and I headed over to the guys, who I'll admit were keeping a safe distance from the white box containing PMS Granny.
"What do we do!?" Alice asked, very worried.
I couldn't help but notice how pale she was. Paler than usual.
"...Open it up." Emmett said.
Say what now!?
"Emmett!" Jasper bellowed "Have some respect for the dead, man."
"How do you even know that it's her though!?" Emmett asked "I mean, maybe they accidentally mixed up the bodies. You may think it's your gran, but really it could be a big fat guy with back hair. Now how would the rest of your family feel if they saw that!?"
"Emmett, we're not even having an open casket!" Edward cried.
I continued to watch as Edward and Emmett began a small argument. I just couldn't believe that it was over opening up a coffin to see a dead person! I sighed when I realised that they were no where near solving their dispute...but that's when it happened. My eyes went wide, all colour draining from my face. Oh s*** no!
"Uh...Edward Babe..." I began, bringing his attention away from Emmett.
"What!? What Bells, what is it!?" He asked frantically "Is it the baby? Are you Ok!?"
"Oh I'm fine." I said, looking down the hill that led away from the church "You got a little problem though."
At this I pointed down the hill. Oh boy, I hope Edward doesn't have a weak heart. Confused, Edward turned away from me to see what he was pointing at...His Grandma's coffin still sitting on the gurney, only traveling down the hill at about 50 miles and hour.
"F***!" Edward shouted before running after it, quickly followed by Emmett and Jasper.
"Do you think they'll catch it?" Alice asked.
"Oh, not a chance." Rose answered, fighting back a laugh "Doesn't mean we can't sit and watch though."
"Someone stop that coffin!" I cried, pointing at my Grandma's speeding casket as I tried to follow.
Now there's something I thought I would scream in the middle of the road! Horns were blaring, cars skidding out the way to dodge my Grandma, me, Jazz and Em.
"Edward..." Jasper puffed, slowing down "We're never going to catch it like this."
We all stopped running, probably something that shouldn't be done in the middle of the road. What the hell am I supposed to do now!? Running my hand through my hair, I looked around, more cars honking at us. And then the idea came to me....Now kids, don't do this...ever. Sighing, I built up enough courage and stepped out in front of the next passing car. The horns blared and the tires screeched, but thankfully it stopped.
"Edward!" Jasper cried "What the f*** dude!?"
But I didn't answer. Instead, I ran round to the drivers side, opening the door to find a rather frightened looking man.
"I need to borrow your car sir." I said as the man shakily undid his seat belt, only to have me pull him out the car.
Jasper and Emmett ran round the back, climbing in.
"Edward!" Emmett bellowed as I took off after the coffin once more "Grand theft auto at a funeral...NICE!"
Ok, not really the reaction I was expecting. I ignored all comments the two made as I got closer and closer to the coffin. Who the hell would build a Church on the top of the biggest hill around for miles anyway! I'm mean it plain stupidity.
"Wait!" Jasper finally cried in realisation "We caught up with it...how the hell are we going to get the thing to stop?"
Damn. My eyes went wide when I heard this. But before I could even suggest anything, the casket came to a stop...crashing into none other than my car. I new I shouldn't have parked at the bottom of the hill. I came to a stop, starring at sight of my Grandmothers coffin hanging out of my Volvo. The whole thing had come off the gurney on impact and went straight through the backseat window of my car. Jasper Emmett and I got out the 'borrowed' car and slowly walked up to the Volvo. I couldn't say anything.
"Edward...breathe." Emmett began "It's not as bad as it looks."
Yeah. Not at all. All I have is a huge dent down one side of my car, a few broken windows and a dead person inside.
"But hey look on the bright side..." My burly friend carried on "Least it stopped."
Oh, he's coming so closed to being in pain.