33. Why Couldn't You Of Got Us A Fish?
There are certain times in a mans life where he sits back and wonders...'What the hell did I do to my girlfriend to deserve such punishment?'. Well I can tell you, that time for me is now. It had been a few days since I had told Jacob about the baby, and thankfully once everything had calmed down, he didn't hit me...that didn't mean he didn't want to though. The baby had been kicking non stop, which was sort of a wake up call to me. Feeling the kicking made it so real, like it was really starting to hit me. I'm going to be a father. That's my kid in there. Only five more months and my whole life will change...I'm scared shitless. Things between Bella and I had been great though...or so I thought until this afternoon when she came running into my kitchen with that scary smile she has when she gets an 'amazing' idea.
Let me go back to earlier this morning so you guys can get the full story...
"Ugh...do you really think this is such a good idea?" Emmett asked as I continued to scour round the kitchen, grabbing the tomato sauce and orange juice "I mean...You know how Bella get's these days if anyone touches her food...Jasper found that out the hard way. Remember when he stole one of her grapes!?"
"Yeah!" I laughed, pouring some of the juice into the smoothie maker, followed by the sauce "You wouldn't stop crying for half an hour."
"I wasn't crying." Jasper replied through gritted teeth "I...I had something in my eye."
"Yes, because your stutter made that excuse very convincing." I said through my smile before turning back to my other friend "Look Emmett, Bella can't get mad this time. What we're doing is in the name of science."
"Trying to find a disgusting smoothie that will actually make Emmett throw up is not science, Edward." Jasper spoke "It's stupidity."
"Same difference." I muttered, adding half an onion to the batch "Ok, I think that should do us. Now, with just the flick of a switch."
"Dude!" Jasper cried, grabbing my wrist before I could push the button "Lid! I mean, I know you're no Einstein, but I'm trying to credit you with some intelligence here!"
"Oh yeah." I mumbled, searching around for the lid, finding it buired under a bag of chips.
Smiling, I fixed the lid to the the smoothie maker, but when I fliped the switch, instead of the loud whirring sound that we had expected to hear...nothing happened. Huh. A little confused, I tapped the side of the smoothie maker, taking off the lid to have a look inside. Why the hell was this not working?
"I knew You shouldn't have put in that tin of sardines!" Jasper scolded "You've blocked it!"
"Hey!" I yelled back, hitting the thing up the side once more "It was probably that f****** rotten egg you put in, Dude!"
"...Or maybe cause it's not plugged in." Emmett chimed in.
My eyes went wide, darting from the smoothie maker to Emmett, who was seconds away from plugging it in.
"Emmett! No!" I cried.
...But it was too late. The second that plug was in the socket, the smoothie maker came to life, sending the horrible concoction inside everywhere! Choking, I quickly flipped the switch, the machine soon coming to a stand still. The smoothie was all over the place. In our hair, on our faces and clothes...hell, it even made it to the ceiling! Slowly wiping my mouth, I turned to glare at Emmett, who was now standing on the other side of the kitchen with a look of fear.
"Emmett..." I began, trying to keep my temper "Next time...PLEASE WAIT FOR THE DAMN LID TO BE ON!"
"...Oops..." He said in a high pitched voice.
I groaned in frustration, running my hands over my face. My Dad was going to kill me. No doubt about it. My Mom had just got the kitchen redecorated not long before the egg project, again because of Emmett, Jasper and I. Turns out that Jack Daniels and open flames don't mix well.
"Well...at least you got what you wanted..." Emmett said in between gags "Just the...smell...ugh, I'm gonna throw up!"
"Me...too..." Jasper quickly said as the two ran out the room.
"So I guess this means I'm the one cleaning up!?" I called out to them.
Sighing, I ran my fingers through my sticky hair before looking around to see the damage. It wouldn't be as bad as it looked...right? Ah, who am I kidding. I'm up to my neck in s***.
"Whoa!" I heard a familiar voice call from behind me "What happened here!? Did one of you guys fart or something? Gross!"
Turning round, I smiled at the sight of Bella.
"Hey...Don't, don't worry about this mess." I said with a nervous chuckle "I'll take care of it. Where you been?"
"Out. I was making an appointment for our next scan." She smiled "...Hey, I had an idea."
"That can't be good." I said playfully as I washed my hands, causing her to slap my arm a little.
"Shut up." She giggled, taking one of my hands in hers "I was thinking...that...maybe it's time we take the next step...you know, in our relationship."
WHAT!? Next step. What the hell is the next step!? I've already gotten her pregnant!
"W-what type of thing are we talking about here?" I asked with a nervous chuckle, trying to force a smile.
"Well..." She smiled, coming closer to me, wrapping her arms around my waist "I was coming back from the hospital when the baby decided it was going to use Mommy's bladder as a squeeze toy. So I stopped at the nearest cafe and just as I was coming out I heard this noise, and guess what I found!? A puppy! So...that gave me the idea of getting a dog. You know, one that belongs to both you and me...What'd you think?"
"I think...There is no way in hell you're bringing a dog in here." I said, causing her to glare up at me "I don't like dogs."
"No...you're just scared of them, and too bad..." She said, crossing her arms over her chest "Because I brought him home."
Just for the record...I'm not scared of dogs...I swear. I couldn't help but groan inwardly when Bella went into the living room to retrieve the newest member of the 'family', but when I saw that thing...ugh, I couldn't help but shudder. There is was in all it's slobbering glory. It's fur was matted, it was wheezing badly and it only had one eye!
"What the f*** is that!?" I asked in fear, backing up a little as the big brut of a beast growled in my direction.
"This is Duke. He's a Pitbull." She smiled, bending down to clap him on the head.
My eyes went wide when he stopped growling at me and turned to Bella, wagging his tail and licking her wrist. Nope. No way in hell is that thing staying with us.
"Come and clap him." Bella said with a smile, urging me closer "He doesn't bite."
"That's because he'd swallow me whole!" I cried in alarm.
"Edward, stop being a baby and come and clap the dog."
Reluctantly, I inched closer, holding out my hand as I went to pat Duke's head.
"Nice doggy..." I whimpered "Nice...big doggy. There's no way this is a pup Bella."
I got closer and closer to the wheezing Pitbull, but just as I went to clap it, he barked. I screamed, jumping onto the breakfast bar so fast you would have thought I had been up there the whole time. Ok...so maybe I'm a little scared.
Duke was so cute. Sure the one eye and bad breath would be enough to scare anyone away, but the second I saw that big lump sitting next to a garbage can with it's tail wagging, I just had to bring him home. He's my new baby. I wasn't really expecting Edward to react the way he did. Sure, I knew he was frightened of dogs (which he'll never admit), but never in a million years did I ever think I would hear him scream. His expression was...hilarious.
It was nearing half six when I heard the front door open, Alice, Rosalie, Jasper and Emmett trudging in dripping wet. Smiling up at my friends, I turned off the TV, Alice and Rose taking a seat next to me as Emmett and Jasper went to look out the window.
"Hey, Bells..." Jasper began, his face pressed up against the glass "Mind telling us why Edward's up a tree."
"He's trying to hide from our dog." I smiled.
"That would explain the Pitbull that is circling it." Emmett chuckled "Stupid Cullen. Everyone knows dogs can climb trees."
"That's cats babe." Rose corrected "You got a dog!"
"Yeah." I smiled back "I figured that Edward and I had to take a step forward in our relationship. I figured getting a dog would be a good idea. It's something that belongs to both of us."
"So the baby's...what?" Alice joked.
"Guys..." Jasper laughed "This is hilarious. Bells, your dog in now jumping and snapping to see if it can grab your boyfriend."
Alice, Rose and I turned to look at the guys as they continued to peer out the window, Emmett close to hysterics.
"Ok, ok..." He finally managed to get out "The dog is snapping and Jumping...Edward is now standing on the tree branch...Oh wait...Ok, he's trying to move to a higher branch...He's getting there...nearly there...Ok, he just fell out the tree..." Jasper and Emmett began to laugh louder, the faint sound of Duke barking suddenly invading our ears, quickly followed by Edward's distant screams "Ok...now Edward's running, the dog chasing him...He's taking off his shoe...throwing it at the dog who's caught it...He's still running...the dog's narrowing in...Ok, he's caught Edward's pant leg and is tugging it...Edward's lost his pant leg...He's running faster and getting closer...closer...closer..."
Emmett didn't get to carry on when the door to the garden flew opened, Edward running in and slamming it shut, leaning up against it in fear. It took every ounce of decency in me not to laugh at the sight of my boyfriend. There he was, standing in the living room soaking wet, and of course, missing one pant leg and a shoe. He was clutching his chest, breathing deeply, a glazed look in his eye.
"Edward..." I giggled "Are you Ok?"
"Why couldn't you have gotten us a fish!?" He cried before heading out the room.
I peered round the door, making sure the coast was clear before I made my move. Duke!? She named this psychotic beast Duke!? Cujo would have been more appropriate! I couldn't help but sigh in relief when I noticed there was no sign of the mangy mutt anywhere. Instead, all I saw was Bells in bed under the covers, smiling up at me as she played with her hair. Now that is more like it. Smiling back, I crept into the room, closing and locking the door as I made my way over to the king sized bed.
"Well hello there handsome." She greeted in a seductive voice.
I smiled, down at her, lying on my stomach on top of the covers, crawling up to kiss her.
"Hello there beautiful..." I replied in between kisses "You not tired?"
"Nuh-uh..." She smirked, sitting up a little.
"Well..." I began, leaning in as I began to kiss her neck "I'm just going to have to fix that."
She giggled as I trailed kisses down her neck, pulling down the covers as my hands began to roam over her body. Sitting up a little, I pulled Bella closer to me, my hand going under her shirt to caress her back.
"You..." She began, pulling back from our kiss "Need this off Now!"
I smiled when I felt her tug at my wife beater, raising my arms over my head so she could peel it off. Laughing a little, she threw it to the floor, pulling me back down for another kiss. Our kisses became frantic as I tugged at her shirt. She began to kiss my cheek, moving across my face until she came to my neck...and that's when I heard it. The growl.
My eyes became like saucers when I looked behind me, only to see Duke sitting at the foot of the bed snarling. You have got to be kidding me. Sitting up, I sighed, running my hands through my hair.
"What's wrong?" Bella asked, looking confused.
"Nothing." I answered "I just can't...do it in front of an audience."
"Edward..." She laughed, leaning on her arms "He's only a dog. He won't know what we're doing."
She began to stare me down, and quickly I could feel myself being lured back over to her. Damn that woman and her ability to make me do whatever she wants! Groaning a little, I leaned down and kissed her once more, Bella giggling between kisses. I began to relax, smiling as I trailed kisses down her neck, my hand going under her shirt...but that damn dog just wouldn't stop growling at me! Pulling back , I looked over at Duke, who was sitting closer to the bed snarling.
"Maybe he needs to pee." Bella announced "Edward, why don't you take him out the back."
"So he can kill me!?" I practically yelled "No thank you!"
"Oh stop being a baby and just go!" Bella said with a smirk, rolling her eyes.
I couldn't help but wince a little as I turned to look at the dog. He hadn't even touched me and already I could feel the pain. Reluctantly I got up, grabbing my wife beater and putting it on.
"You better be naked when I get back."
"C'mon..." I whined, jumping from foot to foot to try and keep warm "Lift your damn leg and pee already!"
It was midnight, cold, raining and here I was, standing outside with Satan himself waiting for him to take a piss when I could be up in my room doing something so much better. I knew right from the beginning that this dog would be trouble. First it tries to kill me, and now...now it's causing me to miss out on sex! What's wrong with this thing! Sighing, I tugged on his lead a little, hoping that he would get the idea and hurry up...but nooooo. Duke is deciding to make it his personal mission to piss me off. Well I can tell you one thing. IT'S WORKING!
"Dog!" I cried "Lift and pee! It's simple."
I watched as Duke began to sniff about, hope building up inside...but when his head snapped up and he began to growl, my whole life flashed before my eyes. There, sitting on top of the fence was a black cat.
"Well that can't be good."
Before I knew it, Duke was dragging me across the lawn, barking and snarling at the cat as he chased it along the fence.
"Stop!" I cried as it pulled me along the grass "F****** stupid dog!"
But he didn't stop, he just kept running and barking.
"Oh, this is going to hurt in the morning."
Where the hell was he!? Here I was, dressed in that sexy little babydoll that Rose and Alice had forced me to buy, waiting for him to come back. But he was no where to be seen. Groaning in frustration, I climbed under the covers and turned of the bedside lamp. To hell with it. I'm tired now!
I felt sleep about to take over the minute my head hit the pillow, but was forced to snap awake once more when the bedroom door flew open and the light turned on. Gasping, I sat up, Duke running in wagging his tail before jumping onto Edward's side of the bed...And that's when I saw him. Edward stood infront of me, his shirt torn, mud and grass stains covering him head to foot, and his pyjama bottoms missing.
"What happened?" I asked in concern.
"That!" Edward cried, pointing to Duke "That thing there is what happened to me! All he had to do was lift and pee...But nooooo! He had to go see a damn cat, chase it across the garden while pulling me along! I got stuck in a bush! Don't even ask me where my bottoms ended up! I don't even know!"
I tried to hold back a laugh as Edward began to rant some more, pacing in front of me before snapping round.
"Ok." He began "You wanted to take the next step in our relationship, right?" He asked "Well Bella, lets stop working backwards. Lets move in together!"