36.Throw In A Dash Of 'The Full Monty'
Ow, ow, ow ,ow ,ow, ow
All I could remember seeing was his scabbed fist coming at me at full force. Better start counting my teeth quickly, cause in a second their not going to be there anymore. Closing my eyes, flinching a little, I tried to prepare myself for the blow...but it never came. Huh? That can't be right. Am I dreaming? I should be lying flat on my back right about now. My teeth that far down my throat that I'd have to stick a toothbrush up my ass just to clean them. Weird. Opening one eye, I looked over at the trucker who I'm going to be calling Shrek from now on. I was expecting to see his fist just millimeters from my face, but instead I found him pressed up against the side of his truck in fear, Bella holding onto the front of his grubby shirt while standing on her tiptoes to look him in the eyes. Oh this should be fun to watch.
All the fear vanished, quickly being replaced by amusment. Smiling, I crossed my arms over my chest, excited at what could happen. Ooh...he's gonna get it! He's gonna get and he doesn't even know it yet! Ha ha! That will teach him to mess with me! I'll get my girlfriend onto him...wait...that just sounded totally gay didn't it?
"What the hell is your problem!?" Bella cried, Shrek backing up even more into the side of the truck "You don't just punch people! What's the matter with you!?"
It took every ounce of me not to laugh, but the fear that flashed through the man's eyes at the sight of my little innocent Bella was priceless. Ha! Pregnant woman 1, Scary potential serial killer, 0! Aw, who the hell cares if a girl is fighting my battles for me!? She's doing a great job!
"Uh...uh..." He stuttered, trying hard to form a coherent sentence without losing his balls.
"Uh...uh..." Bella mimicked "You were just supposed to take the damn candy and leave! It's not thathard to figure out! Punching people equels pain!"
"But I didn't punch him!" He finally cried, defending himself as sweat covered his brow "I wasn't gonna hurt him...much...I jus' wanted to get my point across about your car!"
"By throwing yourself at it!" Bella cried, her grip on Shrek's shirt becoming visibly tighter.
"Ooh...You're gonna get it..." I said in a sing song voice, my inner thoughts finally surfacing.
"I mean, were you dropped on your head repeatedly as a child !?" Bella carried on.
"On your head man." I chimed in once more, starting to sound like I was preaching.
"For the love of all things that are holy!" She bellowed.
"Amen." I added, a hand to my chest.
"Edward!" Bella finally snapped, turning to face me "Shut up!"
Turning her attention back to the should-be-biker, Bella glared at him. Is it bad that I'm extremely turned on by her right now?
"Now..." She began, releasing her death grip on the mans shirt, crossing her arms over her chest "You have until the count of three to get out of here before I take that walkie talkie you've got there in your truck, and shove it that far down your throat you'll be talking out your ass...literately...One..."
Well, he didn't need to be told twice, because the second that 'one' left Bella's mouth, he was probably already half way to Canada! Man, I seriously have the best girl in this world. I just can't believe that she caused a guy, who looks like he has a licence to kill, nearly pee himself. Now that is a story for the kid! Screw me killing my Grandma, this just takes the cake!
Letting out a sigh of relief, Bella turned to me, only to run straight into my arms and kiss every inch of my face. Wow, and I thought it couldn't get any better! I laughed a little as she attacked me, getting a kiss in here and there before she pulled away and looked at me in horror, her hands still tugging at my hair as if she was frightened to let go.
"Oh my gosh, I am so sorry Edward." She bawled, guilt and panic in her eyes "Never, never listen to me again. OK? All I do is end up nearly getting you killed. I am so sorry. Please forgive me. Ugh! If only the lights hadn't been red, we could have drove away and none of this would have happened...actually, none of this would have happened if my old friend hadn't of given us the General in the first place! Stupid Jake. I hope he's missing that pony tail of his!"
All I could do was laugh, running my hands through her hair before cupping her cheeks, forcing her to look up at me. I knew she was over reacting a little, but hey, with all the attention that I'm getting right now I really don't care.
"Bells." I began, looking into her eyes "Shut up."
Smiling a little, Bella gave a little sigh before wrapping her arms around my neck, pressing her forehead against my own. Closing her perfect brown eyes, she kissed me.
"I love you." I said, kissing her forehead.
"I love you too."
Ok, so maybe that wasn't the most...intellectual thing I have ever done in my life. Usually it's Edward who is putting his own life at risk. Now it looks like I'm doing it for him! Stupid, stupid Bella. Why do I never think these things through!? That guy could have killed him in one punch! But I think I got through to him in the end. After standing in the middle of the road holding onto Edward for dear life, we finally made our way back to the General, people behind honking us to move our a****. But I couldn't find the time to be mad at them, because now my excitment was back! We're finding out the sex of the baby!
We were in the car no more than two seconds before I got a text message from Alice. I wonder what's wrong.
Bells! Get home Now!
Panic began to over take me. Emergency! What type of emergency! Oh no...Don't tell me Emmett super glued his hands to the floor again! How many times to I have to tell them to keep that stuff out of his way!? Looking over my shoulder at the text, and as if reading my mind, Edward quickly turned the car around and headed straight back to the house. All sorts of things were flying through my head. What if it wasn't something as stupid as Emmett and super glue? What if it was serious? Hard to believe that anything in my life nowadays could be classified as 'serious' mind you, but something had to be wrong. I hadn't realised how fast we had been driving until we pulled into our street. What if Charlie was sick? What if the guys had some important news? What if...Alice had just dug herself an early grave for what she's just done!?
The car came to a stop outside Edward's house, and I could quickly feel the anger bubbling up inside of me. Oh she's going to pay. She is so going to pay. Getting out the car, I slammed the door shut, only to be greeted by a few...dozen people standing in the Cullen's garden, balloons, tables...basically everything in the way of me chocking the pixie to death.
"Mary Alice Brandon!" I cried "You made me miss my scan for a party!?"
"Not a party Bella!" She cried happily "Surprise! We threw you a baby shower!"
Don't kill your friend. Do not kill your friend.
"But my scan!" I cried
"Is tomorrow." She giggled "I switched your dates around...Hey, we had to get you out of the house some way or another. Thanks for helping out Edward."
"No problem." My boyfriend smiled.
He was in on this!? My boyfriend! The love of my life! Father of my child! He helped plan this little shindig...and he did it without blabbing the whole thing!? Either he was getting a lot better at keeping his secrets, or Rose and Alice had threatened him with a makeover and chest wax. Ugh, I should have just let trucker boy punch him! Right now I'm tempted to do it myself. Crossing my arms over my chest, I glanced around suddenly feeling very self conscious at the amount of eyes that were staring back at me. Nearly every girl from school was there. Jessica, Lauren, Angela...even Tanya! Who I must add is keeping a safe distance.
"Are you mad?" Edward asked, wrapping an arm around my waist and pulling me to his side.
"No." I replied, giving him a small smile "...But there better be cake."
Damn right. If I'm going to be subjected to this, there better be a double chocolate chip something with my name written on it somewhere.
Well, right now I'm either the best boyfriend in the world or the most stupid...not that people don't already think that about me. I bet I had you all fooled though. What with my over excitedness about seeing the baby. I guess in a way that makes me a bad father. I'm already using my kid as a cover up. The only thing about our little trip to see the 'scan' was that our encounter with Shrek wasn't part of the plan. But we survived all the same. However, after everyone's cleared out of here and Bella's got her hands on me I might not be so lucky. Just look for the big mound of dirt in the back yard with a straw sticking out of it, Bella covering the end with her finger. I'll be under that big mound of dirt attempting to breathe through the straw.
I watched with a smile as Bella soon became surrounded by people. She looked around nervously, mouthing the words help me as Rosalie took hold of her hand and pulled her into the house, which I assume was filled with balloons, food, presents...everything. Hmm...I'm starting to wonder if I should have told my Dad about this first. I mean, since my Mom has been out of town, he's been coming up with really strange punishments. For instance, last night at dinner I swore because I burned my tongue on a steaming carrot and instead of telling me off he took my dinner away and sat a bar of soap in front of me. If it was my Mom all she would have done is give me a smack up the back of the head, but noooo my Dad had to go the extra frickin' mile. I nearly inhaled that carrot when he put that down in front of me. I miss my Mommy.
I was about to make my way into the house and hide out in my room, but was stopped by Emmett and Jasper running up to me with panic in their eyes. Huh, I didn't know they were here.
"Dude!" Emmett cried, pushing me further away from the house "Run!"
"Why does everything these day's start with 'Dude, run!'?" I asked "Why can't it be 'hey' or 'what's up'?"
"No seriously." Jasper chimed in "You're gonna want to start moving round about now, because Alice got an amazing idea and it involves us!"
"Yep, you're right." I replied, grabbing both their shirts "Let's go."
We ran towards the General, for once the orange abomination becoming a form of refuge in my eyes, but of course just as we were about to jump into the car and follow the scary trucker in his actions a bolt it to Canada, we were stopped by non other than the pixie devil herself.
"Oh boys!" She called from the doorway in a sing song voice "Can you come here for a moment. We need your help with something."
Don't fall for it Edward. She doesn't need your help. She's using her small innocent like features to rope you into doing whatever she wants! Whatever you do, don't turn round.
"Please..." She called.
No! Not the 'P' word! I cave into anyone's wishes when they use that word. Ugh, the guys are going to hate me for this. It's going to be them covering the end of that straw while I'm under the mound of dirt.
"Yeah, Alice?" I replied, turning round while Emmett sighed and Jasper pretended to blow his brains out.
Squealing a little, Alice ran towards us. I turned briefly to apologize to Emmett and Jasper, but all I got in return was a death glare from them both.
"You and I will be having words later." Emmett stated as Alice approached.
"Honey!" Jasper faked enthusiasm "A-Aren't you supposed to be in at the party. I mean, you are the hostess. You should be in there. Why aren't you in there!?"
"I need a favor." She smiled, hugging into Jasper's side "We are kinda lacking entertainment inside. I mean, we have music playing, but nothing special, so...I was hoping that maybe you guys would come up with something to keep everyone happy. A dance or a song maybe?"
"Alice..." I began "Do we look like we're dressed in a big purple dinosaur suit?"
"Ooh, do you have one of those!?" She asked, full of excitement.
"Get that idea out of your head right now!" I exclaimed, pointing at her "We will help you out...within reason."
She squealed again, causing us to wince in pain a little. Seriously. It's so high pitched a dog across the street started barking...I hate dogs.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" She cried as she hugged each of us "Just make it funny and sexy. You can't go wrong with that. There's a house full of girls in there and they need some panty dropping stuff."
"I can't believe you just said that at my girlfriends baby shower." I muttered.
With a smile and roll of the eyes, Alice pecked Jasper on the cheek and bounced happily back inside.
"Thanks a lot man!" Jasper bellowed, running a hand over his face.
"Yeah!" Emmett followed "Sexy and funny!? We're comedians, not magicians!"
"Now calm down..." I shouted "I have an idea."
"There's something we haven't heard before." Jasper muttered "What is it this time? You're going to get us out of this by setting the house on fire? Hire a male stripper that will turn out to be a gigolo? Fake a heart attack?"
"No!" I scoffed "This time it's a real plan."
"And what exactly is your plan?" Jasper asked.
"Let's go 'Freshman Year Talent Show' on their ass!" I smiled "Throw in a dash of 'The Full Monty' and Boom! You have funny and sexy."
They were silent for a while, Emmett finally cracking a smile.
"It does sound like a good plan." He smirked
"And no one can actually get hurt." Jasper smirked "...Fine, we'll do it."
"Alright boys." I smirked as we headed for the house "Let's give them this panty dropping show."
Mingle...That's what Rose said. Mingle...Ugh, why is mingling so damn difficult!? I swear I only knew a handful of these people who were cooing over my bump and showing me how to work various baby gadgets, some of which I had earlier mistaken for sex toys, Edward was missing and Alice was walking around the joint with a smile that made me wonder if she had fallen asleep with a hanger in her mouth. Ugh, this can't be good. Why do I always panic in situations like these? Just as the little pixie was passing me, I grabbed her arm.
"Alice, where's Edward?" I asked, looking round the room to see if I could see him standing in a corner as the girls shamelessly flirted with him.
He was probably upstairs with Emmett and Jasper watching Jeff Dunham while trying to do bad impressions of Achmed. Oh, please dear boyfriend, come and save me from this hell! All I wanted round about now was for him to throw everyone out, and lead me upstairs where we could hide inn his room for the next 5 months.
"Oh, he's around." She smirked "In fact, you might just see him in a few minutes. Take a seat and I'll see what I can do."
Confused as I was, I did what Alice said and sat down. I still hadn't quite forgiven her for switching my dates, and my feet were killing me. Ugh. Listen to me, I'm starting to sound like a 90 year old. Sighing and sitting back on the couch, I was quickly joined by Rose, Angela and Jessica, the others gathering around with a smile as the looked at Alice who was now standing in front of the large arch way that led to the joined on dinning room, a large smile plastering her face as she bounced on the spot, her eyes sparkling with excitement.
"Ladies!" My pixie friend announced "I just want to thank you all for coming along today, and for all the lovely gifts that you all gave Bella, Edward and the baby. You guys have been awesome...so, as a little thank you for all your support and for coming along, I have arranged a little entertainment that I think...some of you may appreciate."
Oh no, this can't be good.
"So sit back, relax and enjoy the show."
There was a few claps as Alice took a seat in between Rose and I, giving me a little wink.
"Oh please tell me this doesn't involve my boyfriend." I whined, frightened for the answer.
"Shh..." She simply replied "Watch the show Bella."
I turned my attention to where Alice had been standing mere seconds ago, nothing really special happening. What the hell was going on?
"Alice..." I began, but was cut off when music began to fill the room.
The second the familiar song reached my ears, I couldn't help but blush and smile a little, holding back my laugh as I exchanged a knowing glance with Rose and Alice, who's reactions were similar to my own. Remind me to kiss Edward later for this. We sat clapping our hands to the intro of YMCA, giggling a little when we watched the guys peek round the corner of the arch way, winking while clicking their fingers. Ok, I take back what I said earlier. This is going to be frickin' hilarious.
Young man, there's no need to feel down.
I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground.
I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town
There's no need to be unhappy.
As the song started, all three of them jumped out from behind the wall, bobbing their heads as they shook their hips, their right arms outstretched. I couldn't help the squeal that escaped from my lips at the sight of them. Jasper was wearing the Indian costume that I remembered from the talent show, lipstick for war paint. Emmett was wearing a rather tight fitting police costume, also a pleasant memory from the show...But Edward. Oh my gosh. If I wasn't pregnant in a room full of other people, I wouldn't have thought twice before jumping his bones. Talk about sex on legs. He had filled out a little bit since the talent show, making his toned abs even more delightful to ogle. Edward dressed in nothing but a firefighters pants and open jacket. Ugh! It's like I had died and gone to heaven!
Young man, there's a place you can go.
I said, young man, when you're short on your dough.
You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find
Many ways to have a good time.
And just when I thought it couldn't get any better I was proven wrong. Because the next thing I knew, Edward was shrugging off that damn jacket, throwing it in my direction as all the girls let out a squeal of delight. I couldn't help but blush even more when he winked at me as Emmett and Jasper followed his lead, stripping themselves of their own jackets while throwing them at Rose and Alice.
"You know I love you right?" I said, turning to face Alice who was swinging Jasper's coat in the air "But isn't this a little...too sexy for a baby shower?".
All she did was giggle a little
"Call this part an early bachelorette party." She replied.
"I'm not engaged." I smirked.
Rolling my eyes and chuckling a little, I turned back to face the boys. Was it getting hot in here or was it just me? There they were, dancing in front of us girls shirtless, their pants resting dangerously low on their hips. Oh please take them off...please take them off...
It's fun to stay at the Y-MC-A
It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A
Oh there is a God! The next thing I knew the pants were being torn off, leaving all three boys in very tight sexy underware. You'd think that I'd be annoyed that other girls were currently in the room watching my boyfriends junk closely, but I was too engrossed in watching it myself to care! We all cheered as they began to do the famous YMCA actions above their heads, all us girls joining in. Three hot guys dancing in their underware in the middle of the living room...you couldn't get much better than this!
Ok, so maybe this little plan of Alice's hadn't been such a horrible idea in the first place. It was actually quite fun. YMCA with a strip tease...Maybe skip telling the kid this story. We continued to show off our 'sexy' moves, all the girls screaming at us as we shook our hips some more. Turning side on, I placed my hands on Emmett's hips, Jasper doing the same to me as we shook some more. Now, anyone walking in would probably mistake us for being three gay boys out for some fun, but we were having such a good time we didn't even care. Just as the chorus was about to start again, we slapped our a****, resulting in even more screams of delight...but the smile that I had been sporting quickly faded when I heard the voice that I was least expecting.
"EDWARD ANTHONY CULLEN!"
Snapping round, my eyes widened more.