37. Now He's Morphed Into Jabba The Hut
"EDWARD ANTHONY CULLEN!" I heard the cry from behind.
No, no, no, no! This cannot be happening. Why God!? Why me!? And why now of all the time in the world, why now!? Time seemed to slow down as I turned to see the one person that scared me more than pregnant Bella, Charlie with his shot gun and Alice in a shoe store all put together. Yes boys and girls. That's right, my...
Like I said. This could not be happening.
"Esme!?" I heard Bella gasp, standing up to greet my mother.
"Emmett!" Everyone turning to glance at my big brute of a friend as he shouted his own name "...I felt left out..."
Everyone quickly rolled their eyes as their attention turned back to me and my mother. Now this isn't weird at all. Me standing in the middle of the living room with my guy friends, dressed in nothing but the tightest red boxer briefs known to man while doing the YMCA...Ah crap...this has 'gay' written all over it. Ugh, why couldn't I have come up with a better idea!? An idea that involved clothes maybe. Just as the thought left my mind, Emmett and Jasper quickly backed up behind their girls leaving me facing my mother while cupping my junk, trying my best to hide it from her. I quickly looked around the room, noticing some girls run out the house, and some whip out their phones. Aw, I'm going to end up as someones screen saver! Guy's in prison will get this picture! Ugh, if I get an offer for Playgirl shoot me.
"H-hey Mom..." I chuckled nervously, backing up ever so slightly "...Enjoy your trip?"
"What the hell is going on in here!?" She cried, her eyes wide as she dropped her bag at her feet.
Ok...Think Edward, think...What would you normally do in a situation like this...Ok, I can't actually believe I asked myself that, but what the hell. Nothing I do or say surprises anyone these days. Might as well do the mature thing and just go for the truth...It's crazy enough anyway.
"Well..." I began, stuttering slightly before pointing at the little pixie currently shielding Jasper and his nakedness "It's all Alice's fault!"
Yeah. Way mature Edward. Now I don't know who to be more afraid of. My Mom or the spikey haired girl who I know is just plotting her revenge as I speak.
"Alice is the reason why you're dancing half naked with your friends in my living room? Slapping your a**** might I add" She began, glancing between me and the pissed looking pixie "Please explain."
"Well, you see, Esme..." Bella chimed in, coming to stand next to me before I embarrassed myself or anyone else any further "Alice and the guys threw me a surprise baby shower. We were lacking a little in the entertainment section, so Edward, Jasper and Emmett very kindly filled in by dancing to the YMCA while...stripping...Wow, that does sound messed up!"
It sounded quite perverted actually.
"So...what I just walked into see was just a one time thing?" Esme asked, pointing to the three of us "I mean Edward you aren't becoming interested in..."
"Hell no!" I cried quickly, not even giving her enough time to think about finishing that sentence "I like girls! Lot's of girls!"
Just as I said that, I knew I was going to regret it. Because the next thing I knew, Bella was pinging my ear.
"Ow!" I cried, rubbing it "What I meant to say was 'I like Bella! Lot's of Bella'."
Aw Hell! That sounded even worse.
"Please kill me." I squeaked, turning to face my girlfriend with pleading eyes.
"What Edward's trying to say, Esme..." Bella began, saving me from further public humiliation "Is that he isn't interested in Emmett...Jasper, or any boys for that matter...Only me."
Why couldn't I have said that!? Because you're Edward-frickin'-Cullen, that's why, Stupid. Oh yay! The 'arguing with myself' stage is back!
"Gotta say, little relieved." My Mother breathed out, breaking off my inner debate "Anyway...I'm just going to go unpack...You all just go back to doing...whatever it is you were doing..."
And just like that she was gone, leaving me standing in the living room with everyone staring at me. I could have kissed Emmett when he broke the awkward silence.
"Who's up for Scrabble?"
And now, the 'I've just been embarrassed by my Mom and room full of people' award goes to...
Man...I cannot believe that that just happened. That has got to be one of the most embarrassing moments of my life...and I wasn't even the naked one! Poor Edward. I wouldn't like to be him right now...no seriously, I really wouldn't. I mean the boy just had his sexual orientation questioned by his own mother! He's probably scard for life...although, I could say the same for Esme. I really hope that that sight hasn't damaged her health. Just because we like to see dancing naked Edward doesn't mean that she does. I doubt that he'll ever want to do that again now. But don't worry girls! I'll see what I can do. It would be cruel almost if we never got to ogle at him in that fire fighter uniform ever again. Hey...Maybe we should convince him to become a fireman!
The party wrapped up rather quickly, much to my liking. I mean don't get me wrong, what they all did for me was so kind and amazing, but quite tiering. I don't think it helped that I couldn't recognize half the people either. I collapsed onto the sofa with a sigh, closing my eyes as I basked in the silence. It was nice that I got a few seconds of normality a day. I couldn't imagine life without them.
"Well..." I heard Alice sigh as she flopped down next to me, linking arms as she rested her head on my shoulder "That was...eventful."
"Funny as hell is more like it." Rosalie giggled, joining me on my other side while copying Alice's actions.
We all laughed a little, remembering the sight of Emmett, Jasper and Edward shake their a**** in those...well fitted boxer briefs...Those amazing...red...tight...STOP! For crying out loud Bella, it's only underware!
"Maybe for you." A velvet voice chimed from behind, snapping me out of my less than pure thoughts of my boyfriend "You didn't have your own mother get a glance at your manhood."
Turning round we saw Edward come towards us, unfortunately fully clothed. Like I said girls, don't worry. I'll see what I can do.
"Edward..." Rose began "Do I look like I have 'manhood'?"
Rolling his eyes a little, Edward picked up a cushion from the couch and playfully hit Rosalie over the head with it, resulting in her glaring at him before sticking her tongue out.
"Hey, where's Jazz and Em?" Alice asked, breaking their playful banter.
"Oh, they're away home." Edward replied "They said that they were scared in case my Mom called their Mom's."
"Man..." Alice whined "I was supposed to get a ride home...Rose..."
"Ok." She sighed, hoisting herself up "Let's go."
"You're the best." Alice squealed, jumping up and hugging her "Bye guys..." She called as they headed for the door "Oh! And Edward, if you and Bella are going to use that fire fighter outfit for...other things...make sure you lock the doors."
"Good bye Alice." I called, biting back my smirk.
And then there were two. Sighing again, I made room for Edward on the couch, smiling when he pulled me against his chest as he lay back on the sofa.
"Why hello." I practically purred "I see you've sorted out your little clothing problem." I said glancing down at his faded jeans and blue t-shirt "...Although...I did quite like what you had on ealier...or should I say what you didn't have on."
Chuckling, Edward leaned down and kissed me, one which I gratefully returned.
"So..." I began, pulling back for air as he trailed kisses down my neck "Tell me...isthere a chance that I will get to see you in that should-be-illegal fire fighter uniform again anytime soon, or do you fear that it may pose hazardous to my health."
"I'm sure something can be arranged." He smirked, his hands running up and down my back "I just can't believe my mother walked in on me taking it off."
"Edward..." I giggled, rolling my eyes a little "Stop worrying about it. She's your mother. She's bound to have seen Eddie Jr. before."
"Not this big she hasn't!" He cried.
I couldn't help but laugh as I began to play with the hair on the nape of his neck as he pulled me in a little closer until I was practically lying on top of him, something that probably wasn't too good for his health. Seriously, If I sit on him long enough he'll have to be surgically removed from the couch.
"You know I'm still mad at you for leading me to believe that I was getting to see my baby today." I faked annoyance, my smile playing at the corners of my mouth, Edward's hands still running up my back.
"Hey!" He smirked "It's me. What do you expect. We can't have a day where nothing out of the ordinary happens! That would be plain weird."
"Yes." I giggled "A whole day where we don't risk our lives or other peoples! I shudder at the thought."
"Hey, you wouldn't love me if I wasn't the way I was." He smiled.
"I guess you're right." I sighed in content as I rested my head against his chest "Maybe our crazy filled lives aren't so bad after all."
I couldn't believe how excited I was when the next day finally rolled along. The day where Bella was actually going to get her scan, so long as we didn't have a coffin crash into the side of the General, or piss off any more psychotic truckers. And apparently I wasn't the only excited one either. Bella was practically bouncing in her seat, looking out the window as if she were in a place like New York admiring all the sights. It was quite cute actually, in a scary sort of way. Kinda like a puppy on crystal meth.
"Are we nearly there yet!?" She cried, turning to face me with wide eyes.
"Not much longer Bells." I chuckled "But maybe you should calm down a little before we actually head into the hospital...You seem a little...Hyper."
"Calm down!? That's rich coming from you!" She bellowed through her laughter "I bet Alice doesn't think I'm being too 'hyper', right Alice."
"Right!" Alice cried from the back of the car, looking just as crazed as Bella.
"Which reminds me, Alice..." I began, glancing at her through the rear view mirror of the General "Why are you actually here?"
"Why Edward my dear friend..." She began, leaning forward a little to rest her arms on the back of our seats "Is it a crime that I want to be there when you find out the sex of my future godchild? You guy's are making me the Godmother right!?"
"Yes Alice." Bella giggled, rolling her eyes "Don't forget to tell him the other part though."
"Ok." She sighed "I also want to be there to say 'I told you so' when you find out that it's a boy." She admitted "Which you will! I just know it's a boy! I can feel it."
"Ok, that didn't sound wrong at all." I replied sarcasm dripping from my voice, as Alice huffed a little.
"So Edward, the male dancing thing. Is it full time or part time?" She retaliated, causing me to blush.
"How, Alice, is this 'never talking about it again'?" I asked, Bella close to hysterics.
"Oop's, my bad." She said innocently, batting her eye lashes.
Don't kill her. Do not kill her.
Half an hour later we were all sitting in the comfy room in the hospital, waiting patiently for the Ultra sound technician to arrive. Yeah right. Bella and Alice patient. Please. Alice was practically dancing round the room while Bella sat on the bed bouncing up and down. Was I the only sane one in the group! C'mon! I hate being the mature one! Ugh, if they don't calm down soon I'm going to have to do something stupid. I can't keep up this act for much longer.
"Now Alice." Bella began, gaining the pixies attention "Please don't do anything that will scare the technician, and please keep your little 'psychic' thoughts to yourself. Even if it's just for this one afternoon."
"Don't worry Bells." She smiled "I'll be good."
I sighed in relief as Alice took a seat in the corner, Bella shooting me a wink just as the technician came in. Thank goodness for that! I thought I was going to have to steal a wheelchair or pretend to be a doctor for a second there. Like I said. Mature and Me...It shouldn't even be used in the same sentence!
"Hi guys." The friendly technician from the first scan greeted "How you feeling today Bella?"
But Bella didn't even get to respond, because the next thing either of us knew, Alice was leaning forward with wide eyes, a scary smile threatening to rip her face in two.
"Boy or girl!? Boy or girl!? Boy or girl!? Boy or girl!?" She continued to chant over and over again, leaning forward more and more before grabbing the technician by the front of her white coat and pulling her forward until their foreheads were touching "BOY OR GIRL!?"
So much for Alice not doing anything to scare the technician. I think we may just be the first people to be banned from a public hospital.
"I'm so sorry, you'll have to excuse her." Bella began, placing a hand on Alice's small head and pulling her back "There's something in the water at her place."
"It's quite alright." The young woman replied, chuckling a little at Alice's appearance "Well then...let's see your baby."
Squealing a little, Bella lay back in the bed rolling her top up until it rested just below her boobs. Now, being her boyfriend and a guy, I can safely say that that is one great part in a womans pregnancy. They're huge! Smiling, I took a seat next to her, taking her hand in between my own before kissing it. This is it, the moment that we've been waiting for for weeks.
"So, not much longer now." The technician smiled, applying that blue gel to her stomach again.
"Nope." Bella beamed "I'm five months today."
I couldn't actually believe that it had been only five months. It felt so much longer. Bella and I hadn't even been together five months!
We fell back into a comfortable silence as the technician turned on the monitor, the familiar buzzing filling the room as she began to run the little camera thing over my girlfriends bump. My breath hitched when the image of our baby appeared before us. I couldn't believe how different the little guy looked. To think that he had grown that much in such a small amount of time.
"Oh my goodness!" Alice squealed, wiping tears from her eyes "That has got to be one of the most beautiful things that I have ever seen!"
I didn't realize how big my smile actually was until I felt Bella run her hand down my cheek as she giggled.
"What do you think?" She asked softly "Do you still think our baby looks like a chicken wing?"
"No..." I chuckled, turning my attention back to the screen "Now he's clearly morphed into Jabba the Hutt."
"Edward!" She cried, hitting me playfully "When we get home we're going to have some serious words about what you can and can't compare your child to."
Everyone just laughed as bent down and kissed Bella on the forehead.
"Can we please find out the sex?" She asked, her smile growing.
"Of course." The technician replied, running the camera over her stomach once again.
"Boy, boy, boy, boy, boy..." We heard Alice chant quietly.
"Congratulations on your healthy baby girl."
Oh my gosh! A girl...We're having a girl! I'll have a daughter! My own little baby girl!
"WE'RE HAVING A GIRL!" I cried, running to the door and flinging it open to scream at the fellow couples in the waiting room "We're having a girl!"
Closing the door, I cleared my throat and calmly made my way back to Bella's side.
"Sorry about that." I said "Had to get it out my system."
All Bella did was laugh, pulling me down for a kiss. A girl. Can you believe it! I'll have a little girl. My own little princess. This moment is just perfect. Nothing could ruin...or at least I thought so.
"Wait...what!?" Alice cried "A girl!? It's not a girl, it's a boy!"
"Alice...don't." Bella said with a nervous chuckle.
"No, it's a girl." The technician replied, looking at the screen a second time "I'm positive."
"Then what the hell do you call that!?" Alice cried, pointing to the screen where we saw...what I can only describe as...a penis really.
"The umbilical cord." The technician stated.
That explains it then. Girl it is.
"But..." Alice carried on "It...it can't be a girl. It's a boy. It has to be."
"Nope...it's a girl." The technician said, turning off the monitor.
"Face it Alice..." Bella began as the technician wiped the goo off her belly "This time...you were wrong."
Oh boy. Saying that can't be good.
I couldn't stop smiling as we made our way out of the hospital, Edward and I holding hands while looking at the picture of our baby girl as Alice slowly trailed behind. Poor Alice. I didn't expect her to take it this hard. So it's a girl. Doesn't mean that Edward and I won't have a boy in the future. But either way, boy or girl, I knew Alice wouldn't love the baby any less. My smile grew as Edward leaned down and placed a loving kiss on my forehead. The only thing that could make this day better was if Edward was wearing that sexy as hell uniform.
We were just about to cross the road towards the General, which I will admit was growing on, but stopped when I heard someone beside us.
"Oh my gosh!" Came the excited voice "Edward!?"
Turning, I almost gave birth then and there at who I saw.
"Holy s***!" Edward smiled "Jane!?"
I glanced between the two as they embraced in a hug.
"Guys, you remember my ex girlfriend Jane?"