39.THAT WAS ONE TIME ! AND YOU DID NOT DIE
You know, I'm often classified as the 'stupid' one in my family. The one who constantly goes looking for trouble. The one who will stay on the phone to a kid in Australia for an hour just to see if their toilet water spins the other way...not that I've ever done that you know...and the one who is most likely to put their hand in a fire to see if it's hot...not that I did that either...recently anyway. The point is, I'm the stupid one and everyone feels the need to keep reminding me...and right now, I'm going to have to agree with . You guys probably want to know what the hell I've done this time. Well, we'll get to that in a minute, but first I’m going to start right from the beginning.
It had been like any other normal day. Up early, shower, dress, school, cut school, get caught cutting school, detention, sneak out of detention, get caught sneaking out of detention, more detention then home. You know...normal...for me any way. That was until I decided that it would be a 'great' idea to go house hunting with the guys all afternoon. Can you sense the sarcasm? All I can say is...What the hell was I thinking...
“RUN!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, not really caring that I sounded like a five year old girl.
“Right behind you!” Jasper cried his voice about 7 octaves higher as he swiftly over took me “Now I’m right in front of you!”
"Did you guys see that place!?" I asked, climbing into the General rather quickly "I swear...those kids probably play Russian Roulette for fun!"
"I know!" Jasper exclaimed, not even bothering to open the door, finding that climbing in through the window would be a quicker option.
"Oh c'mon guys!" Emmett smirked as I kicked the car into gear and got the hell out of there "It wasn’t that bad! Those kids seemed quite nice. Did you see the nice chalk picture of the man on the floor at that apartment!? I wish someone would draw me with chalk.”
"No you don't!" I all but cried, glancing at my friend in alarm "Ok...so I think it’s safe to say that that place was definitely on the ‘No’ list. Agreed?"
No list!? Hell, if that place burned down tonight it wouldn’t be a waste! That was what I could only describe as Washington’s version of Queens!
"Hell yeah!" Jasper exclaimed. I swear the guy looks like he’s about to take a seizure at any second “Those punk ass kids stole one of my shoes!”
"So where’s the other one then?” Emmett asked with a smirk, glancing down at our friend’s bare feet.
"I may have...thrown it in defence." Jasper mumbled slightly before turning to face me "Please tell me that the next house you're taking us to does not have a toilet in its living room or put us at risk of contracting AIDS!"
"Would you relax?" I chuckled "We've got one house left to have a look at and no Jasper, this house will not put you at risk of death."
"That's all I ask." Jasper replied.
I couldn't help but laugh as he sighed in relief, sitting back in his seat as we continued on our journey to the next house. Yeah, something tells me that Bella wouldn’t really appreciate an apartment that had more families of the rodent variety living in it than human. That and...Those gay guys down the hall were coming on to me!
The drive to the last house on the list was spent mainly in silence, Jasper rubbing his cold feet, probably missing his shoes while Emmett took pictures of the back of his own head. Yeah, he confuses me too. I’ll admit that I didn’t really have high hopes for the next house. After the place that we had just visited, which was so scary that it literately made me clench my b******* in fear, I began to think that maybe this little task that we had set ourselves was hopeless...That was until we drove into the street that could potentially become my new home. And all I could say was;
“Holy shiitake mushrooms!”
The street looked awesome. No creepy looking kids, broken windows or needles anywhere in sight. Plus not one house had a burning car sitting in their driveway! You can never go wrong there. Yep, this place would do just nicely. Deciding that it was probably best to park the General at the bottom of the street, Emmett, Jasper and I began to make our way towards the house.
“Now this is more like it!” Jasper exclaimed, looking round the street.
“Dude...” Emmett began "How the hell do you expect to pay for this? You can barely buy a pack of gum let alone a house."
Oh Emmett you crack me up. You’d think that over ten years of friendship he’d know me by now.
"Simple." I replied with a smirk "By doing this...I love you, Mommy."
We laughed, soon coming to a stop in front of a nice looking house with a 'Sale' sign in the yard. We stood and stared up at the house in all its glory and I had to admit...It was stunning. All that was missing was the 'Hallelujah' chorus. I could actually picture myself raising a family here. I could see Bella sitting on the porch steps, smiling as I tried to teach our kids how to ride their bikes in the driveway. We would sit out here on the fourth of July and watch the fireworks, and then at Christmas build snowmen in the front yard. We would have a basketball hoop and a treehouse. Maybe even a dog...Hold on! I said 'maybe'. I couldn't help but smile as the picture began to develop in my head. This was the place. Hell, I hadn't even stepped foot inside yet and already this was the house. This was home.
"Uhh...Edward..." I faintly heard Jasper say.
"Jazz!" Emmett scolded "Can't you see the boy is gazing dreamily into the future like a complete idiot!? Give him a minute!"
Thank you, Emmett!
"So I'll just tell him that his Dad is here later then?"
Ok. Rewind and freeze! My Dad’s here? Snapping out of my daydream I glanced up to where Jasper was pointing, and sure enough there was my Dad...HUGGING ANOTHER WOMAN!? What the hell!? My eyes went wide, my jaw practically hitting the curb as I watched my Father and that stick thin blonde...BIMBO, hug it up on the porch. My porch! Well...future porch. Ugh! That d***! He told me and my Mom that he was working late tonight. But no. Instead he’s too busy groping ‘Miss America 1983’! You know, seeing these sorts of things cannot be good for my stupidity levels. I had a good mind to go and kick ten shades of s*** out of him, but of course the minute that he pulled out of that ‘hug’ I chickened out. What? The guy gives me my allowance! All I wanted was to get the hell out of there and fast!
I began to look around frantically, mentally kicking myself for parking down at the other end of the street. There was no way that the three of us would get back to the car without being noticed. And by the way that Emmett and Jasper are running away like frightened little girls, I'm guessing that they felt the same way too because the next thing I knew, Jasper was hiding behind a car and Emmett was half way up a tree. Gee guys, thanks. A little heads up would have been nice. I'll just stand here and pretend to be invisible. Oh, better yet, I could hide behind my finger! He'll never know I was here. Or I could close my eyes! If I can’t see him, he can’t see me. Right?
I began to panic. I had to find a place to hide and fast! So...I did the only thing that I could think of...The ostrich effect. All I can say is...I really hope Emmett and Jasper can get me out of this one. Only this time, I mean literately.
Love...Isn't it just amazing! I was in love with Edward Cullen...not that that is anything new to you guys, but lately I just couldn't say it enough. A week had passed since my little...escapade at Jane's house, and no one was letting me live it down. Not even Esme! When she found out about my little...mishap (That's what I'm calling it. 'Moment of stupidity' seems too...Edward-ish) she ended up giving me a bottle of WD-40 as a present and said 'You know...just in case'. You had to laugh though. But even with all the jokes and humiliation that I was receiving, I had to admit that the past week had been one of my best. And it was all because of my wonderful boyfriend. I just couldn't believe how great he had been that night, trying everything to help me out. He's just the greatest. Smiling, I let out a dreamy sigh as Rosalie and Alice continued to channel surf. Hmm...I wonder what he’s doing right now?
“Oh my gosh!” Rosalie cried, throwing the TV remote down “Are you thinking about Edward again!?”
“Uh-huh.” I giggled like a five year old, causing Alice to smile.
“Aww...” My pixie friend cooed, clasping her hands in excitement “I just love it when she acts like this. I think she looks cute.”
“Really?” Rosalie asked in disbelief “I personally think she looks like she’s on crack.”
“Rosalie dear...” I sighed, my smile never faltering “I’m in love, not deaf.”
Laughing a little, I ducked as Rose launched a couch cushion in my direction.
“Ok, ok, ok...” I laughed, sitting up a little straighter “I’ll stop. What do you guys want to talk about?”
“I think we should talk about spoons.” Alice smirked, keeping her gaze fixed on the TV,
"Ugh..." I smirked, covering my face with my hands to hide my embarrassment "Will you guys ever let me live that down? I apologized to Jane...and Edward...and the fire department!"
“We’ll let you live it down when that dear boyfriend of yours does something to top it.” Rosalie replied “But I gotta say Bella, with the way Edward’s been acting lately...That could be some time.”
I had to agree with her there. Edward seemed to be growing up almost...Damn it! I mean, it was just yesterday when I said 'vagina' and he only laughed for fifteen minutes! I didn't even have to go and get the paper bag! And no, before you ask, he was not on drugs. I guess maturity is finally beginning to hit him...although I did walk in on him, Emmett and Jasper the other day playing with Star Wars figures. Poor Jasper. Why does he always get forced into being the girl?
“I guess he’s just starting to think more rationally before he puts his thoughts into actions.” I smiled.
And this, boys and girls concludes today's events...yeah right. When have you ever seen us go through a day of complete normality? Nope, I would love to say that this is where we end today. Smiling...happy...no one’s lives endangered...but if I did, we really wouldn't have a story to tell, and I'm guessing that you guys are just dying to find out what our crazy ass adventures will hold this time...I just hope it doesn't involve stairs. Ok, so prepare for the 'fun' to begin in 5...4...3...2...
Wow Emmett, right on cue.
"Bella!" Emmett cried once more causing that familiar sudden wave of panic to wash over me. Oh how I’ve missed that "Bella!"
"Emmett!?" I began, slowly getting to my feet as he ran into the living room "Emmett...what happened...what's wrong?"
But he didn't answer. He just stood there, hunched over with his hands on his knees gasping for air. Oh good lord they've killed someone! I knew it! I knew this day would come. Oh they’re going to make us help hide the body. We’re going to jail. My child will be born behind bars! Her first words will be ‘Give me your money b****!’. I’m so going to kill Edward!
"All I'm saying is..." He finally managed to splutter, snapping me out of my nightmare "I didn't do it!"
...Yup, they’ve killed someone.
"Do what babe?" Rosalie questioned, panic dancing in her own eyes "What happened?"
But again he didn't reply. All he did was look at the floor and point behind him. Ugh! Men! Why can't they just explain the situation instead of dragging it out? I swear, it's like they have a rule for it or something. We stood there, staring at the empty doorway that Emmett pointed to for what felt like hours, still confused as to what was actually going on...and then we saw it. I swear, I about dropped the kid then and there. My jaw hit the floor, my arms that were once crossed over my chest fell to my sides as I watched Jasper lead, who I presumed to be Edward into the living room.
"Edward!?" I finally managed to splutter out "Is..is that you!?"
"Hey Bells..." Came his muffled voice "...Have a good afternoon?"
I couldn't talk. I couldn't blink. Hell I couldn't even breathe, because there in front of me stood my boyfriend...with a mailbox stuck on his head!?
"...Look on the bright side..." Jasper finally spoke, breaking the silence "At least you'll never lose him in a crowd."
"Not helping, man." Edward mumbled.
“Hehe...Watch this...” Emmett giggled, his panic completely gone as he raised the red flag that was situated at the side of the box “You got mail Bells.”
“Emmett!” Came Edward’s muffled reply
"What happened!?" I shrieked running over to him, ignoring Emmett as I frantically began pulling at the tin can that was stuck on my boyfriends head "How the hell did you get your head stuck in a mailbox!?"
"Ow!" Edward yelled as I continued to yank "Long story short, I was hiding."
Ok, I know Edward has done some crazy stuff in his life...more so in the past 6 months, but seriously, hiding!? Hiding from what? The mailman?
"Uh, Bells..." Rosalie spoke, trying to contain her laughter by biting her thumb nail "He's topped it."
Not a good time Rose!
"Oh Babe..." I sighed as I stopped pulling, running a hand through my hair as the other rested on my bump "We'll get it off OK, just please tell me what...the hell possessed you to stick your head in that thing! Either that thing’s welded on or you have freakishly big ears!”
"Hey! They are not big...they just grew a little bit more than the rest of my head!” He defended, crossing his arms over his chest, which I will admit, looked pretty funny "But the truth is...” He carried on “We went to look at some houses...you know, to surprise you..." Aw, isn't he the sweetest "But just when we found the perfect house, my Dad walks out in the arms of another woman!"
"WHAT!?" Alice, Rose and I bellowed.
"No way." I finally spoke "No, Carlisle would never do that. He said he had to work late. Plus he’s far too scared of your mother."
"Well if that's what a doctor's idea of 'working late' is, then I'll see you guys in med school." Emmett joked, only to receive a slap up the back of the head from Rose "What? She was hot."
"Emmett!" Edward exclaimed for the second time, turning in the direction where he presumed our burly friend stood "Seriously dude! Anyway, like I was saying we saw him in the arms of another woman so, automatic response was to hide or kill him. I chose hide because...well for starters it's legal and I remembered that I don’t like jail. So, we hid. Emmett chose up the tree, Jasper chose behind a car and I chose the first thing I could think of...the mailbox."
"Oh good lord." I mumbled, running a hand through my hair once more "Well, did he see you?"
"Did he see Edward?" Jasper began "No. Did he see a stupid kid with his head stuck inside a mailbox? Yes. Don't worry though; he was quickly dragged away from the house by his walking talking Barbie friend."
"Well, that's a plus...I think." I replied.
"No." Edward quickly interjected "What would have been a plus is if that stupid kid that lived next door hadn't seen me! Damn brat was laughing and hitting the box with what felt like a brick! But d'ya know what, Karma's a b****!"
I could practically hear the smile that Edward was sporting as he giddily bounced up and down.
"Oh please tell me you did not threaten to hit him with the brick." I pleaded a new wave of panic washing over me.
"No!" Edward cried, all but giggling "We had a much better idea. We kicked his moon bounce out from under him. Turns out it’s not the only thing that can bounce off the ground.”
"It was genius!" Emmett agreed with a wide grin.
"And..." I began in a warning tone, willing them to continue, although hoping they wouldn’t.
"...And...Threatened to hit him with the brick." Edward finally admitted.
I knew it. I couldn't help but groan inwardly, but the minute I looked at my boyfriend my smile decided to show itself. Ugh. I hate that I can't stay mad with him long. I can just see those damn puppy dog eyes underneath that tin can on his head. I guess in a situation like this, all you can do is laugh.
"I just can't believe you picked the mailbox as a hiding place." I finally giggled, wrapping an arm round his waist as my other hand ran up his chest.
"Hey..." Edward replied, pulling me closer "It seemed like a good idea at the time."
"Wow." I smirked "I think I recall you saying that when you got the word 'Balls' tattooed onto the sole of your foot, and we all know how that turned out don't we?"
"...Yes..." He spoke in a timid voice, kicking his foot slightly "...I stood on it the wrong way when I was peeing."
"...And..." Emmett smiled, urging him to continue.
"And it hurt so bad that I jumped and...Caught Eddie Jr. in my zipper."
Ouch. You couldn't help but feel his pain there.
Ok, surprisingly explaining the whole ‘mailbox’ thing to Bella had been easier than anticipated. But thankfully with a little bit of patience, Emmett’s strong arms...and the help from my well known friend, WD-40, my ‘helmet’ was safely removed...although I did have 'U.S Mail' indented into my cheeks for a while. I will admit, it was frickin' hilarious, but the minute I grabbed Emmett's ass cheek thinking it was Bella's bump, the thing had to go! I was glad when I managed to see daylight again, joining my friends as we sat and discussed the whole 'Dad's a lying cheating bastard' thing. I just couldn't believe that he would cheat on my Mom. My pregnant Mom! I mean, does he want to be in a severe amount of pain!? If her mood swings are anything like Bella's then...I'll see you guys at his funeral. Somehow I don’t think the Johnsons will want their mailbox back once the find out where my Mom shoved it.
“So, where is your Mom?” Jasper asked “When are you going to tell her?”
“Tell her!?” I asked rather alarmed “And risk getting shot! No thank you! I quite like having my head attached to my neck. No, I'm going to tell her nothing, play it cool and confront my Dad like a mature adult when the time is right."
Hehe...I've been practicing that lately. Maturity. Does it suit me?
"So you're just going to sit back until then and let him cheat on her!?" Alice asked in shock "You're not going to egg his car...steal his underwear...e-mail that video of him dancing to the Cha-Cha Slide to all his colleagues? Have to say, little shocked.”
"Nope..." I smiled, feeling rather proud of myself "I'm actually going to do the responsible thing. But until then he's not going to know that I know, because when he knows that I know about him not knowing that I know, he's going to worry about my Mom knowing and then he'll wish he knows nothing. Know what I'm saying?"
"...Do you even know what you're saying!?" Rosalie exclaimed.
“Dude...” Jasper began “That made absolute no sense.”
"...I get it!" Emmett smiled, causing everyone to gape at him as he turned to look at me "Dude...You're smart."
My smile grew. You know, I could actually get used to hearing that. I had it all planned. I was going to act like I knew nothing until it came time to confront him. Like I said, be a mature adult...but maybe e-mailing that video could be a little side job. What? It’s me we’re talking about here.
I continued to sit there as everyone began to ramble at once, Alice, Jasper and Emmett thinking that I was doing the right thing, while Bella and Rosalie told me I was deeply nuts. And that’s when I heard it. The all too familiar sound of the front door closing.
“Hey guys!” My Dad cried from the hallway “I’m home!”
“Screw being a mature adult. I'm gonna kill him!” I practically snarled, quickly pushing off the couch and marching towards the living room door.
The anger that I felt began to boil inside of me again as I kicked the mailbox out of my way, causing it to bounce off the wall by the door. And then I saw him, standing at the door soaking wet with a large smile on his face.
"Hey Edward." He smirked, dropping his briefcase outside the door "How was school?"
But I didn't answer him, instead I just glared. If he didn't want to be with us, then fine. I was going to give him a 'goodbye' that he'll never forget.
"Hey!” I shouted at him “So long sucker, see ya, bon voyage, arrivederci, later loser, goodbye, good riddance, peace out, let the doorknob hit ya where the good Lord split ya, don't come back around here no more, hasta la vista, kick rocks, and get the hell out!" And like that, I slammed the door in his face.
You know...if this was a sitcom, the audience would be going crazy right now. Smirking, I turned back to face my friend's, only to see Bella's eyes nearly popping out her face. Uh-oh...that can't be good.
"Edward!" She cried "So much for being mature."
"Dude!" Jasper cried "You have a hard enough time trying to speak English!"
I watched as Bella got up off the couch and waddled to the door that I had just slammed, only to open it to find my Dad still standing there looking rather confused. Oh what I'd give to shave his head right about now.
"Sorry Carlisle." She began with a nervous chuckle before turning to me "No Edward. I don't think that's how Juliet would have said goodbye to Romeo if Shakespeare had written them today."
"...Do I want to know what's going on?" Carlisle asked, backing up a little as I continued to glare at him "Edward...Did you eat the coffee grains again? Because you remember what happened the last time. You know, with the chainsaw."
"That was one time!” I cried “And you did not die!”
Seriously. You nearly kill the guy and he’s forever afraid of you!
"Ok then..." He replied "Well...it's been a long tedious day. I'm just going to head upstairs...Edward; I think you need to...take a Valium or something."
Uh, yeah. Like I've never heard that before!
I couldn’t help but smile as I watched Edward stomp around his room that night, glaring at everything that crossed his path. I watched as he took things out of his desk, banged them on the surface before putting them straight back in. I’m guessing he’s still a teeny tiny bit pissed at his Dad...that and the fact that Emmett ate his last pop tart. Poor guy. I haven’t seen him this worked up since he accidentally sucked his hamster up with the vacuum. Poor Mr. Nibbles. But it had been one hell of a day. Carlisle was cheating. Edward was on the verge of doing something illegal, and I had popped the button off of my favourite jeans...But on the up side we got a new mailbox out of all of this!
“Honey, c’mon...” I finally said, sitting up in bed and stretching a little “Come to bed and I promise that you can go straight back to hating your Dad in the morning.”
“You know I should do something!” He bellowed, pacing in front of me “Like lick the rim of his coffee cup...or get Emmett to fart in his face while he sleeps! I mean what the hell is he thinking, cheating on my Mom!? Ugh, I should so kill him in the Sims for this!”
“Edward...” I replied in a soft voice, gently taking hold of his hand “I know he’s hurt you and no, there is no excuse for what he’s done, but you have to let it go for the night. Tomorrow you’ll have a clearer mind and be thinking more rationally.”
He was silent for a minute, looking down at our entwined fingers before looking up at me. Maybe he was going to listen!
“Or I could just ship him to Africa!” He beamed.
Edward and listening? Should have known never to use those two words in the same sentence, but still, I couldn’t help but smile.
“C’mon.” I giggled, pulling him backwards onto the bed while kissing his neck “Bedtime.”
“But I’m not sleepy.” He whined.
“Who said anything about sleeping?” I smirked.
It was around two in the morning when I glanced at the clock. Bella lay in my arms, sound asleep from our little midnight escapades, but still I couldn’t find it in me to join her. All that was running through my mind was my Dad and that blonde doll that he had been hugging earlier. I didn’t care what Bella said. I had to get him back...tonight.
Slowly, I sat up, careful not to wake Bella. Slipping on my boxers I quietly tiptoed across the room, stubbing my toe on the bed post as I went.
“Mother Fu...” I began, clamping my hand over my mouth as I hopped out the room.
Seriously, I can’t even get out of bed without hurting myself!? What’s the matter with me? But instead of answering my question, I continued on my journey downstairs to the kitchen. I couldn’t help but get slightly creeped at how quiet the house was, jumping at my shadow as I entered the living room. I gotta lay off on the horror movies. Quickly, I crossed through to the kitchen, smiling when I found what I had been looking for sitting on the dining table. Oh, poor poor Dad. How many times do we have to tell him? Smiling once more, I picked up the phone and dialled Jasper’s number.
“I want the pink pony...” He mumbled into the phone.
Ok, I swear there is no way this guy is straight.
“Dude!” I said into the phone “It’s me.”
“Edward?” Came his reply.
“No, SpongeBob.” I said sarcastically “Of course it’s me.”
“What’s up?” he asked, sounding a little confused “Is everything alright?”
“Oh, everything’s great.” I smirked, turning to look at the answer to my revenge that sat on the table “Name the one thing that my Dad will never let me touch.”
“The power tools.” Jasper said without missing a beat.
“Ok...true, but no. Try again.” I smiled.
“The exercise bike...The lawn mower...The coffee grains...Prune Juice...”
“Ok, ok, stop!” I almost cried “Let me make this easier for you. What is nice, shiny, has four wheels and literately has a ‘no Edward allowed’ sign stuck to it.”
“I am not helping you steal your Dad’s Mercedes!” Jasper yelled, sounding a lot more awake now.
“Who said anything about stealing it?” I smiled, glancing at the keys on the table once more “Just call Emmett and meet me outside my house in ten minutes. I got a plan.”
Boy did I have a plan *Insert evil grin here*. A plan that my Dad would never forget.
“Nope, no, nein, nyet and no way in hell!” Emmett cried with wide eyes as we shone the flashlight onto my Dad’s red Mercedes “I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again...I will not do time for you Edward!”
“Oh Emmett, stop being a baby.” I chuckled “We will not do time...well, much anyway.”
“Oh...” He winced as I headed towards the car, Emmett and Jasper keeping a fair distance as if it were about to blow up at any second.
I couldn’t help but smirk as I walked round it. Ha! Karma really is a b****.
“What does this plan consist of?” Emmett asked as the two slowly began to approach the car “Does it involve any of us getting hurt and/or dying?”
“No!” I exclaimed “It’s perfectly safe, now Jasper, get in the trunk.”
“WHAT!?” He cried, his eyes practically bugging out of his head “...WHAT!? I’m not getting in there, you get in! Maybe the lack of oxygen will improve your mental status!”
“I can’t get in!” I replied “I have more business to deal with inside.”
“Then why doesn’t Emmett get in?” My blonde friend asked.
“No way.” Emmett replied, taking a giant step back “Nope. I’ve given up getting into the trunk of cars for lent.”
I couldn’t help but roll my eyes as my friends continued to argue it out. You know, it’s a little upsetting that they have so little faith in me.
“Emmett can’t go in the trunk.” I answered “It has to look like my Dad has put him there. There is no way my Dad would be able to force Em in.”
“And he could force me?” Jasper asked in disbelief.
“Dude...” I laughed “Alice had to open the ketchup bottle for you...A damn four year old could force you in.”
I couldn’t hold back my smile as Jasper finally caved, grumbling as he made his way over to the open trunk so I could tie him up.
“We are so going to hell for this.” Emmett mumbled as we began to tie up our friend “How can you be so mean to your own Dad?”
“He’s cheating on my Mom!” I exclaimed “And I’m never mean to him.”
“You switched his haemorrhoid cream with superglue!” Jasper argued.
“That was just funny.” I smirked “Now watch your face.”
And with that I taped Jasper’s mouth shut and closed the trunk.
“Ok...now to get Dad up and call the cops.” I smiled.
“Yup...” Emmett mumbled “Totally going to hell.”
I didn’t bother to try and control my volume as I ran upstairs to fetch my Father, Emmett staying downstairs as he called the police. All I could say was that I was glad Charlie was off duty tonight. Don’t know how I would explain this one to him. I couldn’t hold back the smile when I burst into my parent’s room, startling them awake as I jumped up and down on their bed.
“Dad!” I cried, feigning horror “There’s someone in the garage! Come look! I think they’re trying to steal the Mercedes!”
“Not my car!” My Dad bellowed.
“Carlisle, go check.” My Mom said, pushing him out the bed.
“Ok, you stay here.” He replied, quickly following me out.
Grabbing the baseball bat that sat in the hall closet, I handed it to my Dad, slowly following behind him as I tried to contain my laughter. Oh he’s going to get it! Motioning me to keep it down, my Dad quietly approached the door that led into the garage, quickly opening it to find the room empty.
“Well, at least the car’s still here.” I smiled, pointing to his precious vehicle.
But just as the words left my mouth we heard a low thump. Nice one Jasper!
“Oh my gosh!” My Dad practically squealed “What was that!?”
“I think it’s coming from the trunk.” I replied, acting confused as we stepped closer to the car, my Dad clutching to the bad a little more tightly as the thumping continued “On the count of three, we open it...” All he did was nod, gulping in fear “1...” Any second now “...2...” I had to hold back my laughter as I heard the sirens outside getting louder “...3!”
And just as we had planned, I opened the trunk to reveal a terrified looking jasper, just as the garage door opened and a swarm of cops ran in along with Emmett.
“Put the weapon down!” Cried one of the cops as they began to wrestle my Father to the ground.
By this time both my Mom and Bella were downstairs, both looking rather alarmed while I just smiled.
“What the hell is going on here!?” My Mom yelled.
“This car has been reported stolen Ma’am.” The officer announced as he stood my now cuffed father up “And when we got here there was a young man tied up and gagged in the trunk. Do you know this man?”
“Never seen him before in my life.” I smiled, crossing my arms over my chest.
“EDWARD!” My father and Mother cried.
“Must you be so puerile!?” My Dad continued.
“I refuse to answer that without a lawyer or a dictionary present!” I cried, pointing at him “Call this payback!”
“Payback?” My Dad asked, looking even more confused “Payback for what!?”
“For cheating on Mom!” I yelled.
At this everyone gasped, and by everyone, I’m including the cops.
“You’re cheating on your pregnant wife!?” One of the cops yelled “What’s the matter with you man!?”
“Carlisle?” My Mom questioned
“I’m not cheating on your mother Edward!” My Dad cried “Why would you assume such a thing!?”
“Because I saw you with another woman outside a house, when you said you had to work late!” I cried, leaving everyone silent.
There, finally out in the open. I just stood there, staring at my Dad in anger, but just as I was waiting for him to fall to his knees and grovel for forgiveness, I was surprised to hear my Mom and Dad laugh! Yeah, that’s right! Laugh. Confused, my arms that were once crossed over my chest fell to my sides. Why are they laughing at me!?
“Oh my gosh...” My Dad chuckled, tears in his eyes “Esme...I think it’s time we told them.”
“Told us what?” I asked in panic “Who’s us?”
“Edward...Bella...” My Mom began, Bella coming over to stand with me “Carlisle is not cheating on me. Honey what you saw today was nothing more than your father doing a good deed.”
“What good deed?” I asked.
“Edward, I wasn’t with another woman.” My father smirked “I was purchasing the house. Stephanie is the real estate agent. I was giving her a hug of thanks.”
“Why?” Bella asked “Are you guys moving?”
“No.” Esme smiled “It was supposed to be a surprise for your graduation and for the baby being born but... We bought you the house.”
They...they bought us the house!
“Officers...” My Mom began with a smile “I’m sorry, this whole thing has been one huge misunderstanding. If you release my husband I promise we will sort this whole mess out first thing in the morning.”
“Alright Ma’am.” The cop replied, releasing my Dad before saying goodnight and leaving.
“You...you bought us...the house?” I asked in shock, turning to look at Bella who looked just as amazed.
“Yes.” My Dad smiled “Can’t have you start a family in your parents house.”
We were silent, trying to absorb the information that had just been given to us. My Dad, the one who I had just framed for kidnap and grand theft auto because he was ‘cheating’ on my Mom, bought me and my girlfriend a house! Oh good lord I am going to hell.
“I’m grounded, aren’t I?” I said with a nervous smile.
“Well, see this bat...” My Dad replied, holding up his ‘weapon’ “Unless you start running in the next two seconds, guess where it’s going to end up?”
“Oh s***!” I cried, running round the car, my Dad following as everyone around began to laugh “Would it help if I said ‘Oops’?”
“Not by a long shot!” He cried as I shot out the garage “Get back here Edward!”
Ok...so maybe sometimes I’m wrong...But c’mon, where would the fun be if I was always right.
“You’re my father!” I cried.
“I don’t care! You nearly got me arrested!”
“Do the Christian thing!”
But then again, maybe being right has its benefits.