things that you would never read in Twilight, New Moon, and so on

If you have ever been on the Lexicon before it got hacked, you might remember that they had a forum called "things that would never be said in Twilight/New Moon. Now that they changed it, you can't add any new topics and they didn't bring it back, which made me really sad. all their stuff was so funny! so i'm started one over here. just post funny things that you would never read in any of the books!

here's mine:

Edward: Leggo my eggo Jasper!

******************************************

Bella; Edward, how did you get in here?

Edward: I Apparated.

******************************************

Alice: I did NOT see that coming.

Jasper: What?

Alice: That I would look so COOL in the movie!

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bella:[thinks] huh..maybe i shuld date jake insted of edward...but edward will get p!ssed if i date him though...
jacob:BELLA!!! [been shouting for like 10 mins]
bella: WHAT JAKE???
jacob: AWESOM! SOO WHAT TIME ARE WE GOIN TO THE MOVIES 2MORO! I WANNA KISS U!
bella:WHAT?? Y WOULD I DO THT???
jacob: UHH U JUSST SAID MAYBE I SHOULD DATE JAKE INSTED OF EDWARD..!
bella:CAN U READ MINDS TOO?!?!?!?!
jacob: H*LL NO! U JUST SHOUTED IT! R U DEAF?
bella: maybe i am..
jacob:[leans to kiss bella]
bella: WHAT THE CRAP R U DOIN?
jacob:impressing u
bella:[shakes head]
jacob:Y CANT U JUST LET ME KISS U ONCE?
bella:NO JAKE! [walks away saying..OMG hes $3xy!]
jacob:thanks bella..u r 2..


OMG thts sweet!
Alice: Thats so Raven is so fake, im the real phsycic in this house, Raven Baxter can go die!
Raven: OMG! is Alice Cullen i like read you in twilight, and you inspire me
Alice: shut up ur not phsicic i am! so stop taking my job, is mine and no one elses!

Emmet: Sky High is so not cool that Stronghold kid is NOT stronger than me, hell no!
Stronghold kid: OMG! is Emmet Cullen, man man you are a genius, thats why im strong like you!
Emmet: shut up u have no reason to copy me! that is my life, yall hear me!


Rosalie: Paris Hilton is not hotter than me, im the prettiest IN THE WORLD!
Paris Hilton: OMG! is Rosalie Hale, u r my fave character in Twilight, u r like so Hot!
Rosalie: shut up u plastic u ain't prettier than me, and thank u i know im Hot!


Jasper: emo kids are so not emoer than me im the one who is more emotional!
Emo kid: OMG! is Jasper Hale! dude u r so emo i ♥ u! like literally,
Jasper: shut up! im the emoest guy in the world, at least i dont cut myself cause probably ill suck my own blood!


Edward: Zac Efron does not looks good in hairsparay, i look better in hairsparay and no one else!
Zac Efron: OMG is Edward Cullen! i ♥ ur hair thats why i have it just like urs, u inspire me!
Edward: shut up or ill bitchslap u with my hair u big a h***!
haha lovin it =D x

MizHafHaf said:
Right so things you would never read in the books right?? Here's an alternate version of the of New Moon.

Edward: "Bella I'm leaving you."

Bella: "What? Why? Oh no, you've found someone else haven't you? It's Jessica isn't it?! That b**** I'll get her!!"

Edward: "No Bella, it's not Jessica."

Bella: "Then WHO is it?!"

Edward: ".... Mike."

Bella: o_o

LOL Srry that just popped into my head so i really wanted to write it XD
haha like this 1 lolz x couold just imagine it haha, in his impossibly polite voice haha! x

Yvette said:
ok, here i go, but i must remind you i am not good at these things So please dont laugh at me =)

EDWARD AND BELLA ARE FLYING TROUGH THE AIR-

Edward- Bella, I love you, you r my night, and your eyes are my stars. U feel really light u must lost wait
turns his head
Edawrd- S*** i guess it is back to Italy again O-O
haha yehh i guess in a way?? haha x

Missy (Team Love Hexagon) said:
LMAO! Ednesmee. Jacob imprinted on that shiz too haha. Though what would that make Jake? Bi? lol

Southern Cullen said:
Renesmee's birth scene......
So Bella'd been wrong. It wasn't a boy - kinda.
Edward: Umm, Bella
Bella: what is it, give me my baby
Edward: it isn't a girl, but it isn't a boy either.
Bella: what do you mean
Edward: I mean we have a Ednesmee!

Dayum you weird chromosomes!!!!!!!
in forks high school, a rainy day, Edward's POV

Edward: *thinking* today was hte kind of day i wanted 2 go look 4 Bella, I was desperatly thinking about her, Jasper ruined my mood,
Jasper: im singing in the rain!!!!!!
Edward :*thinks* jasper was singing?! with an umbrella on hand,* Oh GOD!
Alice: not even i saw that coming
Edward: jasper please stop it
Jasper: Joanna jooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnaaaaaaa!!!!!!!
Edward: huh
Alice: he watched to many Sweeny Todd yesterday,,,, Jasper behave
Jasper: 5,250,000 minutes! This is weird, really weird, f****** weird, really weird
Alice: he watched Rent to
Jasper: singing cheetah, cheetah girls, we stick together 4 life!
Alice: also Cheetah Girls One World
Jasper: i want faboulous that is my simple request all things faboulus, bigger and better and best!
Edward: what he watched High School Musical 2 too!
Alice: yup!, talking about musical, the school is gonna have one!
Edward: now is a reality show!
OMFG lol i thought that was funny

andru!! said:
BREAKING DAWN HONEYMOON SCENE(SEX ESCENE)

BELLA:OMG....Y UR D1CK IS SOO HOTT??
EDWARD:(EMBARRECED) I KINDA WARMED UP FIRST
BELLA:WTF??Y WILL U DO THAT??I LOVE UL COLD SKIN
EDWARD:I THOUGH U LIKED IT HOT, LIKE JACOB HAVE IT
BELLA:HOW DO U KNOW HOW JACOB HAVE IT??
EDWARD:WELL...I MIGHT TRIED IT....U KNOW ONLY TO KNOW WHAT U WERE LOSSING.....I´M NOT GAY
BELLA:(ANGRY) U B****!!!U WANNA F*CK JACOB...THATS Y U DIDN´T LEAVE HIM BE WITH ME RIGHT?
EDWARD:WHAT??BELLA FORGET ABOUT IT OK?
BELLA:WHAT I´LL NEVER FORGET IT
EDWARD:(HE START TOUCHING HER N MOVING)
BELLA:OK...ITS FORGOTEN........KEEP DOING ITª!!!!
EDWARD:YESSS!!!COMEEEE...""YESSS!!!!I LOVEE U
BELLA:I LOVE U 2
EDWARD: I LOVEE U JACOB!!
BELLA:WTF????
EDWARD:(MOVING FASTR N FASTER)YESSS!!!
BELLA:EDWARD SLOW DOWN!!U KNOW I´M NOT A FREAKING WOLF!!!!
EDWARD:RIGHT UR NOT.....UHM.....
BELLA:I HAVNT TOLD U TO STOP
EDWARD:ITS OK...ANYWAY MR. EDDY ITS OFF NOW....
BELLA:DO U WANT NEXT TIME I DRESED UP LIKE A WOLF?
EDWARD:YES...THAT WILL HELP A LITTLE...
BELLA:I WAS JUST KIDDING!!!
EDWARD:(SHOCKED)ITS NOT FUNNY.....WHY DO U HAVE TO PLAY WITH MY FELLINGS??!!!
BELLA:WHAT??
EDWARD:WHYYY..........!!!!I WILL NEVER F*** U AGAIN......I HATE U...AT LEAST U HAVE THE LOVE OF JACOB..HE ONLY WANTED TO F*** ME ONCE...N IT WAS ONLY CUZ I LET HIM KISS U...
BELLA: R U FREAKING KIDDING ME????
Eclipse....the tent scene
Bella: would you kiss me Jacob
Jacob: you're bluffing
Bella: kiss me, and then come back
leans and kisses her, edward comes back
Edward: hey Jacob you can g..OMG!!!!! what the hell?!
Jacob:*stops kissing her* uhhh
Bella: Edward this is not what it looks like, really i love you more than this stinking dawg
Jacob: say what?!
Edward: you mongrel say goodbye to your jaw...
Jacob: mama.!
edward throws a punk directly into jacob jaw and breaks it
Jacob: ow!ow ow ow ow,* cries a lot*
Edward: pffft p****...lets go bella
Bella: omg i kissed a gay dude!
Edward: come on Bella lets go have some sex
Bella: weeehuuu!!!
Seth:*thinks* can i join?
Edward: yes you can son, yes you can
Bella: he our son?!
Edward: god! no bella no he is not
Bella: oh ok, lets go then
Jacob: owie owie owie, omg owie ouch ouch!
the end....?
this is a great topic.. keep them coming.. CRACK ME UP !!!!
Missy (Team Love Hexagon) said:
Edward: Im a barbie girl, in a barbie world. *does a twirl* you can brush my hair and dress me anywhere! I feel so pretty, oh so pretty! i feel pretty and witty and GAY!!!! oh Bella don't you just love this skirt I'm wearing?

Bella: Oh My God!?!? what has happened to you Edward?? snap out of it! Jacob kissed me again today.

Edward: aww that's nice! he's so cute. and buff! *giggles*

Bella: aren't you going to get mad?? aren't you going to be all manly and beat him up??? growl a little? something?

Edward: eww no! that would mess up my nails!

Jasper: *snickers in the hallway with emmett* this is so much fun!
My favorite one of all the ones i've read.... I totally saw that happening :D
...: Buahahahaahaha!!!! A loud evil laughter coming from Carliles laboratory filled the house.
Every Cullen except from Rosalie, Emmet and Jasper fight to be the first one to get into the Laboratory...
A sound of a machine and a messy shining light was sppoted from under the door...
Edward slowly opened the door feeling scared for the first time in a long time...
The house echoed the gasps of almost every Cullen of the Cullen house... Nothing could have prepare our heroes for what they had in front of them...
"I don't have the strainght to stay away from you any longer.."
"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb." "Since I am going to hell."
"Your hair looks like a haystack, but I like it." "By the way, I am not living you."
"If I could dream at all I would dream of you. And I am not ashame of it." "You are my life now."
"Do I dazzle you?" "What if I am not a hero, what if I am the bad guy?"
" I swear to you we will try. After you marry me." "You are so beautiful."
The sun lingered around Carliles lab and the sparkles comming from the Edward's clones made almost impossible for me to see.
Edward: "What the F Emmet?"
Emmet: "Umm umm..."
Jasper: "Edward, relax... Come, come little boy come... "
Edward's face smoothened, it was obvious Jasper was using his power to calm down Edward.
Alice: "Care to explain Jazz?"
Jasper: Alice is christmas, you know what every oberly obssesive girl wants for christmas? Yeah their own personal Edward Cullen. We are just doing social work here."
Silence filled the room.
Emmet: "Santa promised that if we made this he would come and play with me for the rest of the year... And that present would include batteries...Always..." Emmet make his puppy face to everybody but it wouldn't work with me.
I was about to object against the reason of my being multiplied like this but then I saw them all together and I shuddered... Could it be? One Edward for every day of the week if he decides to run to the vultury again I will have a replacement... Mmm.. Intresting!!!
(Sorry it is too late and I know I can do better it was funnier in my head LOL... But the intention is there... I want to pre-order 20 who is with me?"
Is Christmas time in the Cullen house.....want to know what they do? here is to find out

Edward: *playing in piano* "Jingle Bells Jingle Bells Jingle Bells rock!!!
Alice:* in the future* i see lots of presents under our christmas tree, one for each of us
Emmett: oh yey!! i asked for a pony...
everyone stares at him with embarrasment
Jasper: ok?... i asked for my own chill pill
Alice: i asked for a crystal ball
Rosalie: i asked for another mirror
Esme: i asked for a vacation in Hawaii!
Carlisle: i asked for a playdouh doctor game!
Bella: i asked for a real life swan!
Edward: i asked for an action figure of me!!
Renesmee: i asked for Jacob to marry me
Jacob: really?!
Renesmee: yes really!
Jacob: oh cool! i asked for my own doggie collar! with my name on it!
Bella: jacob i can just get u that from the pet store
Jacob: i know....but i asked it with emeralds on it
Alice: *in the future again* oh!!!! Santa is coming!!! everyone pretend u are asleep
everyone in the house closes their eyes and pretend to sleep
Santa: hooo hooo hoooooooooooo. merry christmas for all of u
he puts the gifts under the tree, when Bella jumps and uncovers him and finds out this....
Bella: Dad!!!!!!!!! what the hell!!!!! u r doing it again!!! i hate u and i hate christmas
Edward: nice going captain idiot!
Renesmee: * crying* he is not reall?!!!
Charlie: of course he is not!
Renesmee: * cries lowder* noooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! * runs upstairs with bella*
everyone goes upstairs to console them
Charlie: *embarrased* emm emm merry christmas???? * shouts* IM SORRY!!

i guess that is the end?
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