A story written by me. I´ve written it a few weeks ago :) Please let mi know if you like it or not :) I wanna hear your opinion :)
I stood at the window and watched the falling rain. Watch as beautiful drops slowly hit the ground. Beautiful feeling that calms my soul. I looked back and saw the sense of my being. He was still as beautiful as that day when we met.
"Good morning, Sandra," he greeted me tenderly.
I moved towards the bed where he was still laying.
"Good morning dear," I smiled at him and kissed him.
Dean was the nicest thing which happened to me in recent years, even though I knew I was slowly dying. The unbearable disease, which bothers me since my teenage times. Leukemia. With Dean I bear the suffering and pain a little easier. He took me into his arms. I always feel safe beside him and I forget the anxiety I cannot avoid. I turned my sight in a blankly direction.
"Sanny, is something going on?" He asked me with concern.
"No Dean, don´t worry, I'm good," I smiled.
But it was not quite true. I felt weak. I have always tried not to add more worries to Dean. Although I´ve felt worse every day, weaken, like my last day would come closer with every second. I knew my days, minutes and seconds on this earth, in this life are numbered, but secretly I hoped that I won´t die before I would fully enjoy the bond which connects me and Dean.
"I'm going to have a shower," I whispered and went into the bathroom.
After few minutes I heard Dean´s phone ringing.
"Please," I heard him.
From the talk I just captured so much that he must leave for the entire day. I´ve came back into our bedroom and embraced him tightly. I hate moments, when I should be without him.
"I gotta go dear. Scott called me that we have an urgent requirement at work. I'll hurry," he whispered with sadness in voice and kissed me with his usual sweet manner. He was already leaving when he turned in the door, took out the phone and dialed some number.
"Dean, what are you doing? You´ll be late!" I looked at him.
"I'm calling Melissa, so you won´t be alone Sanny. I will be a little calmer," he said with a smile on his face. It was not his usual smile. I felt that he would prefer to postpone the meeting so I needn´t to be without him. He hated when he had to be without me even for a short moment. He waited with me until my sister Lissa came.
"Sanny, I have to go. Lissa, watch out for it. If something happens let me know immediately."
With these words, Dean said us goodbye. I had a strange premonition that his words would be filled to dots. Minutes dragged terribly slowly. Lissa just talked all the time, but I have perceived no words. I was immersed in my thoughts. I counted down the minutes with every stroke of my heart to Dean´s return. Both of us were sitting in the kitchen. After a while I stood up to serve us a drink. I turned toward the kitchen unit. This movement was not anything special, but my body has reacted differently, I had to hold on the kitchen unit, so I wouldn´t fall.
Lissa jumped up from a chair.
"I'm fine." Don´t worry, "I whispered.
But was it really true? I felt extremely weak, though I could not stay on my feet. The whole world around me began to spin. I barely knew where Lissa was standing. I saw everything blurry.
"Sandra, I´m calling the ambulance immediately. You don´t look good."
I saw with my blurry sight like Lissa takes the phone into her trembling hand.
"This is not necessary. I´m fi..." I didn´t speak to end.
My eyes become blurry. That was the last thing what I remember.
When I woke up I was in the hospital room attached to the apparatus. Lissa sat next to me. Her eyes were red from crying.
"Lissa," I whispered almost inaudible.
"Sanny, you are up? How do you feel?"
"I feel terrible. I feel like my own body fights against me. I feel weak as if my life fades away from me. I need Dean near me. Can you call him, please?" I spoke almost breathlessly.
"NO. You´ll get through it, I'm sure. You feel weak, but you have overcome harder times. We are here for you, we´ll help you. You cannot leave us like this, I won´t allow you to do it."
Her voice broke. My illness didn´t hurt only me but also my closest. They were unable to reconcile with the feeling that I was sentenced to death, that they cannot help me.
"Lissa, I will fight. You know exactly, I do not want to die. I couldn´t do this to you and Dean."
"I know Sanny. I'm going to call Dean."
Lissa came out of the door. Through the glass walls, I saw her calling. It was only a little while.
"He will come soon."
Not even five minutes passed and Dean was already with me. When he came in there was a worried expression on his face. He was always overly worried about me. He sat on the bed beside me and took my palm into his and gave me a kiss on it. Vainly tried to hold tears.
"Dean," I whispered, "everything will be OK."
I tried to smile. Although I didn´t believe that it will be okay, so I had to convince him at least. We were looking silently into our eyes, when the doctor came in.
"How do you feel, Sandra?"
I hadn´t the strength to answer. I just imbibed my sight into Dean´s eyes. I wanted to enjoy every moment which is left for us until the oxygen completely leaves my lungs and heart, makes its last 'bang'.
"Doctor? Will she be fine?" Dean asked with a broken voice.
Doctor was silent. I knew by myself that it doesn´t look good for me and doctor´s silence only confirmed it. He took a deep breath and looked at Dean.
"If I´ll should tell the truth, it looks pretty bad. We do not have a suitable bone marrow donor."
It wasn´t easy for the doctor to talk about it. He knew the whole course of my illness. Even that my condition over the last few months rapidly deteriorated.
"So we would just look idly how is she dying?" Dean yelled, and jumped to his feet.
I understood his excitement and feeling of helplessness. He stood near the bed with dogged fists and he was shaking. I wanted to get up, hug him and reassure him that everything will be alright. We would return home and I will be that Sandra who he loves.
"I'm afraid, yes," said the doctor and left the room.
Dean didn´t move, still trembling, but this time it was no longer the rage, it was fear, which flowed through his body. I didn´t have even to look at him and I knew what he was thinking.
"Honey, everything will be OK, don’t worry. I know that now it doesn´t seem so, but I get out of it, I believe. Believe in it too, please. "
Dean slowly turned to me.
"I know Sanny, I believe, but when I see you like this. So fragile, vulnerable. I cannot get rid of the feeling that I will lose you soon. Devours me inside. I want to help but I cannot. It's like a vicious circle from which I cannot deliver. "
None of us have said anything more that day.
The following day, my condition unchanged. Dean was still with me and with Lissa. Didn´t want to squander a single minute that remains for me. I felt that I already cannot fight. My mind was strong, ready to fight for my already insignificant life, but my body gave up the fight already. I was already almost a week in the hospital. I felt that I´m dying. Every minute I was weaker, more fragile as a porcelain doll, which is waiting only on who would nudge her and she breaks into thousands of unmendable pieces. Dean tried to encourage me, but sometimes it wasn´t possible. His desperation and fear grew bigger day by day. On that fateful day, Dean brought me red roses, which I loved so. He sat on my bed with a desperate sight.
"Dean?" I whispered almost inaudible.
"I am here Sanny," he smiled.
"I want to thank you for every moment we were together. For every kiss, hug, tenderness, you gave me. Although I won´t be here, I´ll never stop loving you. You are the beat of my heart and without you I´d be dead" I talked under breath.
"How can I live without you Sanny? You're only what I live for, what keeps me in this world. I feel like a piece of me has already died, like you are tortured. Like you suffer. You won´t be long without me, I promise."
I looked at Dean, I knew he meant his words seriously.
"I know that not long time remains for me, dear. I feel that I´m dying. Promise me, when I die, you´d live on, and keep me in memory, "I spoke under breath.
"If you die, will meet soon in heaven," he whispered with disguised voice.
"Goodbye in heaven," I whispered.
These were my last words. Death is simple, feathery, life is much more difficult. I left this world happily. I died in Dean´s arms. When I opened my eyes again, I saw Dean leaning to my death body. Streams of tears were running down his face. My soul refused to leave the world where I was happy. It stayed here to protect Dean. Although he has not seen me, I followed his every move, to know that he is safe. And that he lives, it was the most important to me. The following days, Dean hardly recouped from my death. After my funeral he went to our cabin in the mountains. I followed his every move, so I knew that he is safe. He spent almost a whole week there, but the next day something will happen that will forever change my afterlife. Dean sat on the porch in his favorite chair. He held some kind of thing in his hand. I didn´t see well what it was, but my inner immediately warned me. When I looked closer, I saw a kitchen knife in his hand. My mind worked too fast. I knew what would follow. I just watch it quietly. I sought for a way to stop him, and forced him to live. But Dean didn´t hear. He took the knife in one hand.
"I´ll be soon with you love," he whispered and was about to plunge the knife into his heart.
"Dean don´t do that," I screamed, but in vain.
Just Dean´s body was left on the porch. He lay there and I just tried to touch him but in vain. I could bear, that I´m dead, that I won´t ever again feel the warm touch of Dean´s lips. His protective embrace, where I´ve always refuge when I needed to hide from the pain, suffering, and myself. But I needed to know that Dean is alive, that he still walks the earth, where we walk together. That he can dream, though it's now almost impossible. Tears started flowing down my face with alarming rate. How can I withstand the death of Dean? I hid my face in my palms. And just at this moment I realized it. Dean felt exactly like this when he saw me dying. He couldn´t guess that I see him. I did not give him a sign that I'm here and I see each of his steps. Although my heart wasn´t beating, now I felt emptiness in my chest. My heart without beat disappeared somewhere. I still stared at Dean´s nerveless body. I couldn´t recoup from an image I had in front of me. I stopped perceiving the outside world. The time which has already stood still, stopped again, this time also for Dean. So cruelly I was longing to be with him again, that I wouldn´t hesitate for a second and I would swoop down to him again, but angels don´t do this. Angels should protect the one who they love. I failed to protect Dean. I failed. The emptiness in my chest was replaced by the pain. Tears stopped flowing and were replaced by a blunt sight. I just stood there and looked down at Dean. I still hoped it was just a cruel dream, a nightmare from which I will soon wake up. But I knew I won´t. I cannot dream already. I look at the dead body of my love and I cannot grieve, cannot mourn his death. If I would be able to turn back the time and erase this everything from our lives and start all over. It is in vain. Dean´s live ended, like mine. It will be almost impossible to find him among the angels.
Suddenly I felt someone´s hand on my shoulders. The touch was just too familiar. My mind refused to accept the fact that it could be him.
"Sandra," he whispered.
It was Dean. Indeed it was him. Slowly, almost imperceptibly I turned to him and turn into his arms.
"I promised you that I will come soon for you," he smiled.
"Dean, love. I cannot believe you're here. I was trying to avoid you from what you were about to do, but didn´t hear me. I thought that you will never see you again, that I would wander here without you. "
"Sanny, my Sanny. I knew where to find you. I went after the sound of your tears. I couldn´t be without you. Now we can be together forever."
He snugged me up to him. Again I felt his warm arms. Fear, which strained my inner disappeared. Death is gossamer as a feather. Sometimes it´s the only escape from the sufferings of life. My life was hard, but death without Dean wouldn´t make sense.