How do you know if you really love someone? How do you know if it’s just a crush or something more, when you had never had a crush on anyone? When the only ones you knew you loved were your family. How does one work these things out? Would you be able to leave your family to go in search of someone even if you didn’t know if you loved them or not?
I groaned and rolled over burying my face in my pillow when I heard the quiet creak of my bedroom door being opened.
“Rise and shine sleepy head,” Alice sang as she flung open my wardrobe and started searching through all my clothes.
“Go away” I muttered grabbing another pillow and shoving it over my head.
“Those colors really don’t match,” she said to herself. “Shame though. Would be fine if this was a lighter blue. Hm. Maybe Rose might have something.” I tuned out from Alice’s extremely irritating chatter and tried to fall back asleep.
I really don’t see how she can be so bright and bubbly all the time.
Sure I was excited and all. It was my first day of school after all.
For four years Grandma-and Grandpa Cullen when he was home- had home schooled me, but then Rose had a bit of… well I suppose you could call it an accident. And this accident had very inconveniently happened in the middle of the main street of the last town we had lived in.
This is how it happened. Rose, Grandma and I had been out grocery shopping. We were in the supermarket when Rose realized she had left her purse in the car, so she went out to get it.
It didn’t help that she was already in a bad mood for some reason and then when she realized she had left her purse at home she got even more pissed. She slammed the car door shut a little too hard causing it to buckle in on itself and all the widows to shatter. There were about five people who witnessed this, -including her English teacher Mr. Craig- but in only a couple of hours almost the whole town had heard about Rosalie Hale’s supposed super human strength.
We were gone in two days.
Everyone had decided I knew enough to be able to start school now-and I had stopped growing-, so mum, dad, aunt Ali, aunt Rose, uncle Em, uncle Jazz and I had enrolled at the local high school three weeks ago when we had arrived at the small town of Fairbanks Alaska.
Today was first day of term two as well as my first day at a proper school.
Up until this morning I had been really excited and had annoyed the s*** out of everyone by declaring my excitement to all of my family over and over. Last night it took me forever to get to sleep and now I was really wishing I had gone to bed earlier to allow myself more time to fall asleep, because I really wasn’t used to getting up this early.
“Getupgetupgetup,” Alice said wrenching the pillows away from my head and flinging them to the other side of my room when I made a grab for them.
“Go away,” I muttered again, “I’m sleeping.”
“We already let you sleep in Ness and now it’s time to get up. And hurry up you only have half an hour to get ready.”
“I don’t care if I’m late,” I sighed. It felt as though my excitement had evaporated.
“I didn’t want it to come down to this but I suppose I have no choice.”
“What?” I asked confused.
“This,” she flung my doona back and pounced on me, pinning my arms under me, and smothered my face with kisses.
“Ugh,” I mumbled trying to get my arms free.
She got off me and looked at me expectantly,” Come on then,” she said suddenly serious.
“Fine,” I yawned dragging myself out of my incredibly warm and comfortable queen sized bed.
“Get dressed,” she said dropping a pair of dark blue skinny leg jeans and black high heel boots that reached just bellow my knees.
“I’ll be back,” Alice said -doing an almost prefect imitation of Arnold Schwarzenegger- and ran out of my room as I reached into my top draw for clean underwear and socks.
Alice came back in as I was doing up my bra with a light blue blouse in hand. She sat it on my bed with the other things and walked back out.
I finished getting dressed then clomped unhappily down the stairs. God it was frustrating being so graceful. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t not be graceful. Emmett even said sometimes I was more graceful than Alice, -I think he was joking- that’s hard to believe though. Alice is always prancing about everywhere like a… oh I don’t know. Like a something that’s really graceful.
“Good morning sweet hear,” mum said catching me up in her up in her stone mebrace when I reached the bottom of the stairs and kissing me lightly on the head.
“Hey honey,” dad said coming over and wrapping his long arms around both of us.
“Morning mum, dad.”
“You hungry Ness?” Rosalie called from the kitchen.
“Yeah kinda,” I pulled out of the hug and headed off toward the kitchen.
“How’s it going brat?” Emmett asked ruffling my hair as I walked past. “Don’t look as excited anymore.”
“I’m not,” I muttered fixing my hair.
“And why’s that?”
“It’s too early,” I yawned again.
He chuckled. ”Not really.”
“Easy for you to say,” I grumbled pulling up a seat at the kitchen table.
“Smile,” Grandma chirped. A blinding flash followed.
“Esme,” She corrected. “Grandma makes me feel old.”
“You are old,” Emmett laughed.
“Watch it,” she joked,” if your not careful you’ll end up living outside.”
“Esme please no photo’s,” I grinned.
“One more.” I smiled and she snapped another photo.
I was supposed to call grandma and grandpa by their first names, and my aunts and uncles wanted me to cut out the aunt and uncle part from their names. I was also working on calling mum and dad by their first names because it would sound weird to other people if I called them mum and dad at school.
“Hurry up lil sis,” Emmett grinned. He was leaning up against da… Edward’s new Volvo. This one was dark blue.
He had had to get a new one after I accidentally wrapped his old silver Volvo around a tree. It wasn’t technically my fault though it was Emmett’s. After all he was the one who practically forced me race him-even if I kinda wanted to-.
Well I was in Edwards Volvo, he was going to take his jeep but I told him I wouldn’t race if he did, so he took Rosalie’s BMW instead.
Everything was cool until Emmett decided to make it more exciting by trying to push me off the road and out of his way; he put a massive dent in the passenger side of Rosalie’s door and knocked me off the road straight into the path of an oncoming tree. I had to mangle the car further to get myself out, and if I were human I would have been killed, but as it was I didn’t have a scratch on me.
Emmett thought it was hilarious until we got home. Rose all but bit his head off when she saw the dent. She was crabbier than Edward even though his car was well and truly dead. Emmett took most of the blame, which was fine with me.
“Don’t forget your jacket,” mum said just behind me and interrupting my thoughts.
“Aw mum,” I groaned. “It’s not even cold though.”
“Whatever,” I snatched my jacket from her and slid into the backseat of Edward’s car.
Our story as usual was that Dr. Cullen his wife and adopted children had moved o town for a fresh start. Rosalie and Japer remained the Hale twins, mum was Isabella Masen and Alice, Emmett, Edward and I were the Cullen siblings.
It was strange. In a way my parents were my brother and sister and my grandparents were my parents.
There was a surprising amount of people gathered around as we pulled into the Fairbanks high school student car park searching for an empty space.
We didn’t stand out too much yet. Only a few people watched as Edward’s Volvo slid smoothly into an empty spot next to an old white Datsun Ute. But at the moment they were only staring at the cars, they couldn’t yet see the people inside them thanks to the heavily tinted windows.
Alice’s Porsche had most of the eyes trained on it. Edward had tried and tried to talk her out of taking her car but she’d insisted and he had reluctantly given in.
We waited while Alice pulled into the spare spot next to the one where we had just parked, and watched as a few more heads turned, not many. Just a couple.
I could see why people weren’t that interested. There were a few expensive cars scattered around the car park. A dirty black Mercedes and a silver BMW were the only ones I could identify.
“Ready?” Edward asked turning to look at me.
Ready as I’ll ever be, I thought to him.
He smiled at me. “Lets go then.” He opened his door as did Bella who was in the front passenger seat, Rose who was on my left, Emmett to my right, and Alice and Jasper in Alice’s Porsche.
“My god,” someone whispered as we stepped out of the cars.
“Look at them.” Slowly every head turned until every eye was on the seven of us.
“Ugh,” Edward groaned.
“What,” Emmett asked him as we made our way to the school office.
“That boy,” he nodded towards a tall skinny boy standing under a tree near the edge of the car park with his eyes shut and his hands clasped together in front of his face, “thinks we’re angels that god sent to protect him from the world.”
“Weirdo,” Rose snorted.
I could feel the eyes of the small crowd that had gathered boring into my back as I walked. God I really can’t wait for the staring to stop, because it was already getting old and a little creepy. Dad said the longest it had ever lasted was about two and a half months; I really hoped that wasn’t this case this time round.
Sure I kinda did like the attention but this was a bit too much for my liking. I bet aunt Rose lapped up the compliments every time.
Dad chuckled as he heard my thoughts.
I put my hand on his arm and showed him the massive grin that was on her face at the moment, he chuckled again.
“So are you enjoying school?” Sam the overly friendly boy from my math’s class asked as he followed me like a little lost dog. Why wouldn’t he just leave me alone?
“It’s ok,” I replied speeding up so he was almost running to keep up.
Did I have to physically tell him to leave me alone or something? Any normal guy would get the message. Wouldn’t they? I didn’t have much experience with males, well normal ones anyway. And trust me when I say the ones I do have experience with a far far from normal.
“Um the cafs back that way,” Sam said trotting alongside me.
“I’m looking for the toilets,” I said dodging a group of people going the opposite way to us.
“She’s hot,” one of the guys in the group said, following me with his eyes as they passed.
“Yeah. What’s Shepard doing with her though?” They looked like the schools popular group.
“They’re here,” Sam beamed. Ugh he was irritating.
“Thanks,” I mumbled pushing the ladies toilet door open. “I’ll find my way to the caf in a minute thanks,” I said when he didn’t budge.
“Ok.” I let the door swing shut behind me.
Oh great. I didn’t even consider that there might be others in here. I was just trying to get rid of Sam. There were about five other girls in the toilets; three of them were gathered in front of one of the two mirrors fixing their hair, and the other two were in the far corner talking to someone on a small Nokia.
Once again all the heads in the room turned as I walked in, their eyes following me as I drifted over to the free mirror- trying my hardest to ignore them all- and started reapplying my makeup.
“Watch your boyfriends girls,” one of the three in front of the mirror – a blonde with long curly hair up in a ponytail- snickered.
“Slut,” one of her friends- another blonde but with straight shoulder length hair that she was braiding- muttered.
“Excuse me?” I spun around to face them without thinking.
“What?” She asked looking totally freaked for some reason.
“What did you jus call me?” I demanded. Oh my god. Why couldn’t I keep my mouth shut? I was like that girl in that book Queen of Babble that I read last year that kept saying things before she could stop herself and then screwing everything up because of her big mouth.
N. Nothing,” she stuttered. She was looking extremely pale. Was I really that scary?
“Whatever,” I collected my makeup and stalked out.
“Hey,” Sam said coming up behind me – as I went in search of the cafeteria- and scaring the s*** out of me. I grunted –a very unladylike sound- at him and kept walking.
I really needed to be more careful from now on. I shouldn’t have said anything to that girl but I couldn’t help it. It just came out.
When we reached the cafeteria doors I stopped dead and listened to the conversations going on on the other side of the doors; most of them were about my family and I, by the sound of it all of my family was already seated together at a table.
“They’re so quiet.”
“My god he’s dreamy.”
“Look at the rack on that thing!” Um… Completely different topic I think. I hope.
“Adopted? All of the?”
“Oh. Where’s the other one?”
“Dunno. She’s in my bio class though.”
It took me a few seconds that that last question had been directed at me, that it wasn’t part of one of the questions I’d been listening to.
“Um yeah I’m fine,” I said reaching for the door handle.
“You sure?” Sam reached out and laid his hand over mine.
I wrenched my hand out of the way- maybe a bit too fast- as I felt the burning in my throat.
“I’m fine,” I growled opening the door and pushing past him roughly.
I located my family at a table near the other end of the room and headed straight for them trying to avoid all the curious eyes, and also trying to remain walking at human pace.
I didn’t bother getting any food because I knew there would be plenty to spare at out table.
I sighed as I sunk into the empty sat next to Emmett and grabbed an apple off the tray sitting on the table in front of him.
“You get lost or something Ness?” He teased as I sunk my razor sharp teeth into the poor defenseless apple.
“I went to the toilet,” I said, my mouth full.
”Him,” Emmett said nodding towards the food line. It wasn’t hard to work out who he was talking about. Sam Shepard was staring at me and whispering to one of his nerdy friends- Marcus Fisher if I remember correctly-.
“Yeah I think she really likes me,” Sam was saying.
“But she’s giving you a death stare,” Marcus replied glancing warily at me.
Death stare? Oops. Poor kids probably scared shittless.
“Now now Nessie no death stares,” Jasper said reaching across the table and patting me on the cheek. “Your going to make him dirty his pants.”
“She is pretty terrifying isn’t she,” Edward agreed.
“He wont talk to you again if you look at him like that,” Alice said stealing the lid from the bottle of water I was drinking and twirled it on the end of her pinky.
“Good idea,” I said with mock excitement. “I can just glare at him and he won’t come near me again.”
“Give it a go,” Emmett suggested.
I turned back to the line where he was still standing and gave him the scariest look I could.
“She makes me shake in my boots,” Alice said shivering delicately.
Sam hadn’t turned yet; he was still talking to his friends. Maybe I should ease up a bit on the intensity of my glare. I was only aiming to scare him enough to leave me alone, not give him a heart attack.
“Man really really don’t think she likes you.” At least someone was smart enough to get it.
I watched dumbfounded as Sam looked at me again, smiled, told his friends to follow, left the line and started walking towards our table.
“Oh great,” I moaned burying my face in my hands. “It had the exact opposite effect.”
“Hey Renesmee,” Sam- all of his friends were still in line staring at him with their mouths hanging open, - Said enthusiastically.
“Sam,” he corrected.
“I was just wondering if you would like to come to the end of year dance with me?” Everyone at my table had to try to hold in their laughter. They all succeeded; with the exception of Emmett.
“What?” Sam demanded him. “You don’t think I’m good enough for her? Well I'm sorry if I'm not as perfect as all of you. I’m sorry if I'm not popular. I'm sorry if I have a pimple on my ass. I'm sorry if…” He drifted off. “Did I just say that?” He gathered from our expressions that he had and started going redder than a tomato. “Well anyway will you go with me?”
”Its like right at the end of the year though,” I replied quickly thinking of excuses. “I'm not really thinking that far ahead, sorry,” that would have to do.
“Oh ok.” He didn’t even look upset; he just turned to Alice and said, “your Alice Cullen right?” She nodded. “I'm Sam Shepard,” He smiled holding his hand out to her.
“Nice to meet you Sam Shepard,” Alice said in her singsong voice totally ignoring his hand.
“Wow,” Sam breathed. “Your voice is really pretty.”
Goddamn sleaze. Exactly the same words he had said to me when he introduced himself.
Alice’s response to this was burst out in a fit of laughter causing everyone who had gotten bored and looked away to look back at us.
“Fine then,” Sam turned and stormed off to rejoin his friends.
“Please don’t tell me he was about to ask me to go to the dance with him,” Alice said trying to stop laughing.
“I'm afraid he was,” Edward chuckled. “And if you said no he was going to ask Bella and if she said no he was going to ask Rose.” He sighed, “Yes Rosalie you could be right.”
She was most likely thinking something like; he kept the best to last knowing her.
Suddenly the siren went off, a loud piercing sound.
We stood and made our way to our next classes.
I walked into the caf and headed straight to my table.
“Hey,” my new boyfriend Luke grinned up at me as I slid into an empty seat next to him.
“Hey,” I smiled back as he leaned towards me and gave me a quick kiss on my lips.
When my family had first started at Fairbanks high I had sat at a table with them every day for about a week, until I became friends with a couple of the popular girls from my P.E class who had invited me to sit with them. I had been accepted into their group almost immediately.
There were seven of them not including me. Sarah; a blond with hair that reached to the small of her back, Chris –also known as Dopey-; he has dark brown ear length hair and a really cute baby face, Molly; she has dark brown shoulder length curly hair, Jamie; short spiky blond hair, Steph; she had dead straight shoulder length pitch black hair with a fringe that reached just above her eyes, Luke; short brown hair and dimples, and last but not least there was Maddy who had shoulder length dark blond wavy hair. Of course all of them were quite good looking- not as good looking as the Cullen, Hale and Mason siblings though- and popular of course.
Molly and Jamie were together, as were Maddy and Chris. Steph was in a long distance relationship with a guy four years older than her called Billy, Sarah had just broken up with Toby her boyfriend of nearly five years. And of course Luke and I are a couple.
“Wonder who that could be,” Luke muttered to himself as he pulled his mobile out of his pocket.
“Who is it?” I asked whilst examining my perfectly manicured nails.
“Who?” he glanced at me quickly before turning back to his mobile, “oh right. My mum.”
“I’ve never met her.”
“Surely you met her at that charity thing bout a month back,” he sat his phone down on the table and took my left hand between the two of his.
“I only met your father.”
He let go of my hand and picked his phone back up. After a couple of seconds he turned the screen towards me.
“That’s her.” I looked at the picture that was on his screen; it was of a woman about late thirties with long curly brown hair, wearing a long flowery sundress. She had a round chubby face and dimples like Luke’s.
“She looks happy,” I said noticing the smile that stretched across her face.
“Yeah. That was last Christmas. Her parents came over from Australia and her brother and sister, and my sister was there too. She was real happy,” his smile faded and he sighed.
“What’s wrong?” I placed my hand on his thigh.
“I haven’t seen that smile in months,” he sighed again. “Not since her parents died. It was real hard on her. Grandpa died then a week later grandma died.”
“I'm sorry,” I said quietly. I wasn’t really sure what to say.
“Don’t be. I only met them a few times and they never called so I hardly knew them. I felt kinda bad though when everyone was there bawling their eyes out and I couldn’t even shed a tear.”
“The same with me when my mum’s mum died. I met her about twice and then when she died I just couldn’t cry,” I whispered. I was referring to my real mother and she was still sensitive about the topic so I figured if I said it quietly she was less likely to hear unless she was listening to our conversation.
“I’ve never met your mum either. I met your dad when I fractured my wrist and had to go to the hospital. He’s nice your dad.”
“Yeah,” I muttered as I searched for a photo of Esme on my small silver phone.
“Who’s that?” Luke asked as I scrolled past a picture of Jacob.
“Who?” I had been trying not to think bout him too much and I didn’t really want to have to look at him either. After all it was for the best wasn’t it? Oh my god. Did I really just think that? Yeah it was what mum and dad thought was best but not what I thought was best. The rest of the family probably thought it was best as well, especially Rose. I glanced down at the bracelet I always wore as I reluctantly went back to the picture of Jacob.
Jake had made me the bracelet one day when he visited Quil Ateara and the young girl Quil imprinted on, Claire.
I knew that bracelet as well as the back of my hand- maybe better- and me wearing it didn’t really help me to stop thinking about him. It was made up of small brown and white wooden beads on a loop of black elastic. Amongst the wooden beads were three square white beads with colored letters on them. The first bead had a little blue ‘r’, the second an orange ‘n’, and the third was a green ‘j’. When Jake gave it to me he had said, “I will always be there for you.” Then he had leaned in and kissed me gently on the check before whispering in my ear, “R and J forever.”
That day marked the first time I made out with Jacob Black.
“Who is he?” Luke asked again interrupting my thoughts.
“Just a friend from the town a town I used to live in.” I could feel a dull ache deep in my chest. The same feeling I always got when I thought about my wolf boy.
“And nothing happened between you two?” Luke asked suspicion coating his voice.
“No. Nothing happened between us,” I lied as I snatched my phone away from him and continued searching for a photo of my- minus the grand- mother.
“Is that her?” Luke asked when I stopped on a picture of Esme and Carlisle embracing on the couch as they watched Rose let go of Jack’s hand and watched as he sank to the bottom of the Atlantic ocean. They looked so cute together especially as they sat there clinging to each other watching the Titanic- not one of my favorites I hate sad movies-. Carlisle wasn’t actually watching the movie he was more gazing at Esme, looking like an infatuated teenager. And Esme who was watching the movie looked like she was about to cry –not that that was even possible-. Not a sad cry but an oh-my-god-I-am-so-in-love-I-never-want-to-lose-you-cry, crossed with an oh-poor-Rose-how-horrible cry.
It was on of my favorite photos of the two of them.
“Wow she’s one hot mama,” Luke grinned. “I see where you get it from,” he added, patting me on the check.
“Luke I’m adopted,” I reminded him.
“Oh. Right. Hey man,” he aid as Chris and Maddy joined Steph, Luke and I.
“Yo sup dude?” Chris asked knocking his fist against Luke’s. “Ren, Steph,” he extended his fist to the both of us.
“Hey Dopey,” Steph paused in the middle of writing a message- most likely to Billy- to acknowledge him. I just nodded and smiled.
“Hey.” I turned to Maddy as she sat down next to me.
Maddy was probably my out of all of them. She was the easiest to get along with, and she was the only one my family approved of out of all of my friends. And dad said she was the one who liked me the most. Edward didn’t tell me that much about what my group was thinking, mainly because I told him not to, but still that didn’t stop him from telling me of all the ‘vile’ thoughts Luke was thinking when he kissed or touched me.
“Hey how are you?” Maddy smiled at me.
“Tired,” I yawned. “You?”
“Much the same.”
“Awesome. Hey what are you doing this weekend?” I asked trying to hold back another yawn.
“Nothing much. I would ask if you would like to come over but we’re renovating and mum says I can’t have anyone over sorry.”
Oh god she was going to ask to come over to my house wasn’t she. I had only ever been to my friend’s houses none of them had ever been to mine before. I suppose you could say I was scared something bad would happen. That Maddy would see something and totally freak out. I doubt she would tell anyone at school but still I would lose a friend. I don’t think I could handle it.
“Oh cool.” What the hell? What the hell was so cool? I looked at my hands and realised they were shaking. I placed them under my thighs so Maddy wouldn’t notice.
“Yeah. Hey how about-“ No! -“I come over-“ I don’t think so! - “Your house for a change.” Nuh uh! Forget it!
“Um I'm not sure,” I muttered.
I watched as Maddy’s smile slowly faded. “Oh. I just thought that… Well you said the other day you were probably jut going to stay home and well…” She looked as though I had just told her that her mother had been killed in a car crash, which made me feel bad.
I glanced over at my family and could tell they were all listening although Edward was the only one looking at me. “Come here,” he said just loud enough for me to hear.
“But,” Maddy continued quietly, “if you don’t want me to come over that’s fine. I understand. Its ok.”
“Oh Mad of course I want you to come over,” I assured her. “Its just I don’t know if we’re doing anything or not. I’ll just… go see though I spose.”
“Ok,” she said as I stood up.
“Be right back.” I drifted over to my family watching a few heads turn as I walked past like I was some kind of magnet forcing their heads to turn and face me every time I passed too close to them. It wasn’t as bad as the first few weeks when the whole school would stare every time they even caught sight of me or one of my family members. Now they only really stared when I passed and it was mainly only the boys.
“What do I do?” I asked as I reached the table.
“Just let her come over,” Emmett sighed. He looked frustrated for some unknown reason.
“We will be on our best behaviour,” Jasper grinned.
“Don’t worry honey it will be fine,” Edward assured me.
“”I don’t think-“
“She thinks you don’t like her and that you’re too embarrassed to introduce her to us,” Edward said quickly before I could stop him.
I felt an overwhelming sadness fill me. But I do like her, I thought not trusting my voice.
“She doesn’t think so.”
But she… She doesn’t know about … about us.
“It’s ok Ness,” he muttered as I felt a wave of happiness wash over me totally obliterating my sadness.
I glared at Jasper. “Don’t,” I warned.
“Just tell her she can come over honey. I mean what’s the worst that can happen?”
I would rather not think about that,” I said as I turned round and headed back to the table.
“So?” Maddy asked as I sat down.
“Yeah we’re free you can come over,” I smiled at her trying to look as friendly as possible.
“Awesome,” she smiled back.
“How about a sleep over? Or is that out of the question?”
I glanced over at dad who raised an eyebrow nodded and said, “of course.”
“Sure. Ok. Fine. No prob,” I stuttered.
“Sweet tonight or tomorrow night?”
Oh stuff it she’s my best friend and I want to be able to remain friends forever, or at least know that we’re still friends when she dies, and that just wont be possible unless I tell her.
So that’s why instead of saying, “oh I forgot Edward said you could come over but you can’t stay. Sorry,” which is what I wanted to say but I said, “how about both?”
“Yeah course if you want to.”
“Oh ok sounds good to me but will your parents mind?”
“Cool so I’ll come home with you and you can get your stuff. Then I shall show you where I live.”
I was actually pretty excited now that it was over with. We would have fun and try to stay away from my family as much as possible.