I wrote this yesterday for no apparent reason -I just wanted to do a comedy and use my new fonts! I hope you enjoy it. It is set in the short gap between Eclipse and Breaking Dawn.
Dear Aro, I am going to run you over with my Porsche tomorrow, I hope you understand. With love Alice.
Alice, because I survived, I must kill you as soon as I get the chance. Even you knew I would survive. Did you want a death sentence? But it felt nice to have an automobile on my back. I might let you off if I get your car. Get Edward to this. Aro
Aro, how dare you say that to my wife!? (This is Jasper by the way, I am supposed to be hunting, Edward is writing for me) Calm down, dude! I need a way to escape to Denali if Bella gets another paper cut. We know what happened last time. Jasper.
Hi bloodsuckers, losing a car, eh? Eddie will be devastated. Bella will cry because Eddie is sad. And gooey-man will make everyone happy. I am better than psychic girl! Bye-dee-bye. Jacob.
Jacob, you idiot, how the hell do you find the courage to say that about my family!? I hate you and if I ever have children, you can’t go near them! Goodbye forever, Bella.
Bella, I believe you were unnecessarily harsh on Jacob. Apologize. Or I will hate you forever. You know who.
Dear Cullen Residence. You owe myself, Aro, one Porsche for use as backrub machinery. I want it by midnight.
You are my character, why can you not stick to the script?
I am leaving the world of Twilight. I am sick and tired of being a vampire and JK Rowling has offered me a role in Harry Potter and the evil vampire. I am sorry but I am leaving you, Aro.
Aro, you will still be a vampire if you do that. You are so dense. Stephenie, Edward, Bella and Alice.
Bella, I heard creepy-vamp has left twt. YAY! Tell Alice I want to have a party for that reason. Love you, Jacob.
Jacob, as it was your idea, you will be planning the ‘Aro has left the world of Twilight’ party. And I will decorate. Is that OK? Alice.
Attention everyone! I am not leaving the world of Twilight; Dracula got to the HPEV auditions before me and was liked more. Than me. I am sorry about how many parties may be cancelled due to this but it not something I can help… again, so, so sorry. Sincerely, Aro.
Jacob, our plans are ruined! But I knew that Dracula would be in HP8 all along. Oops, you don’t need to know that. Alice.
Alice, for your own safety, stay away from Jacob, he will happily phase around you… and those teeth… Bella and Edward.
Bella, you need to marry Edward now, I am sorry but the space between Eclipse and Breaking Dawn is up. Get in that car and drive to the gas station! Now please, Steph.
Hiya Steph, I am going to go to a tarot reading while Bella and Edward are on their honeymoon. I want to see how useless it is. From Mary Alice Brandon.
Want to go to a party tonight? Sam has called off the treaty. Guess who.
Jacob, kindly keep to the script. You are devastated Bella married a bloodsucker. Got it? Steph.
Stephenie, I really want a break until I need to do the last few chapters, I’m going to the moon! From Aro.
Aro, get back to the script or I will put Marcus in charge. With love Steph.