i am a mainiac and a spaztick moogle. I will eat your hairdryer and kill your toes also never trust me because i have bad g*S, P.S i love tamato ketchup LOL LMFAO My favouret fart cream is tic tac toe I ride my bicycle on a horse back dum dog I spinc the spank with a spanish muffin i will polish your powder with spunge bob sqoure pants.so lets go to the toilet.my weaping woggle is tikkitakki too too and don't bite the table!!!!!!Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.AND Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a b*******?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?If vampires don't breath, how can they talk?WHY AM I ASKING SO MEANY QUESTIONS...........OH YEA I REMEMBER JESUS TOLD ME TOO!!!!my mamma's so poor her son used to say whats for tea she put her foot on the table and said corn. my mamma's so poor the rainbows in her street were black and white. my mamma's so stupid she got hit by a parked car. my mamma's teeth are so yellow i cant believe its not butter. my mamma's armpit is so hairy it looks like she got bob marly in a head lock.my Mama Is So Stupid that when she went to the movies she saw the sign that said 18+ and she went home and got 17 more friends!i am a blonde and i was tired of all the dumb blonde jokes. i went to a club and i met a man and he said:
"If you repeat everything you hear, everyone will think you're the smartest person ever."
i took his advice and decided to repeat everything i heard.
The next day i went to a pre-school, the teacher asked a question, and all the little kids scream "ME! ME! ME!"
Then i went to a resteraunt, and i heard "Fork and knife."
Later i went to watch TV, when the commercial came on, i heard "Plug it in, plug it in."
The next day, a man was murdered.
The police didn't know who it was, so they asked. me i replied :
"ME! ME! ME!"
They took me to trial. They asked me what i killed him with, i replied:
"Fork and knife."
They told me i would have to be put in the electric chair. i replied:
"Plug it in, plug it in."
So One Day I was sitting next to a boy called Johnny in my Sunday School Class. As Usual I was sleeping.
The teacher, Mrs FrankStein asked a question. ' Who created Adam and Eve?'
Johnny got out pin and poked it on my leg.
'GOD' exclaimed me in pain.
'Correct' said the Teacher. 'Who was God's son?'
Johnny poked it again.
'JESUS' exclaimed me in pain.
'Correct' said the teacher. 'What did Eve say to Adam after she bore his last son?'
Johnny did it again
'IF YOU STICK THAT THING UP ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL STICK IT UP YOUR A-H***!' exclaimed I.
me and my friends were walking through a field when us three came across a set of tracks.
my first fellow blonde friend looked down at the tracks and said,
"I think they could be bird tracks."
I went to look and said,
"No, I think these are deer tracks."
we stepped aside and the and my third fellow blonde friend went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!
I asked someone what time it was, and they told me it was 4:45. I, with a puzzled look on my face replied,
"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
I was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when I heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way down the road, I saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat. I stopped my car and angrily jumped out yelling,
"You dumb blonde bimbo! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"
I and a my redheaded friend went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the I bet my friend $50 that he wouldn't jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so I gave my friend $50. my friend said,
"I can't take this, you're my friend."
But I insisted saying,
"No. A bet's a bet."
Then then my friend said
"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."
"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"
I was really tired of being made fun of, so I decided to have my hair so I would look like a brunette.
When I had brown hair, I decided to take a drive in the country.
After I had been driving for a while, I saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,
"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
I got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said I could have a try.
I looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - I was right! So I, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into my car.
Before I left, the farmer walked up to me and said.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
HOW MY MOTHER DIED!!
Three women are about to be executed.
One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's my mother who is a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, my mother had figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
my mother shouts, "fire!!"
I, out of money and down on my luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, I decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
I went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
I then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
I then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning I checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. I looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
I'm A Woman
I shave my legs,
sit down to pee,
and I can justify
any shopping spree
I don't go to the barber
but a beauty salon
I can get a message
without a hard-on
I can balance the checkbook
I can pump my own gas
can talk to my friends
about the size of my ass
my beauty's a masterpiece
and yes, it takes long
at least I can admit
to others when I'm wrong
I don't drive in circles
at any cost
and I don't have a problem
admitting I'm lost
I never forget
an important date
you just gotta deal with it
I'm usually late
I don't watch movies
with lots of gore
don't need an instant replay
to remember the score
I won't lose my hair
or get jock itch
and just cause I'm assertive
don't call me a b****
don't say to your friends
oh yeah, I can get her
or in your dreams, oh dear
I can do better
flowers are okay
but jewellery's best
look at me you idiot....
not at my chest !!!
I don't have a problem
with expressing my feelings
I know when you're lying
you look at the ceiling
DONT call me a GIRL
A BABE or a CHICK
I am a WOMAN
get it? you D***!!!!
I'm glad I'm a woman
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
To have these two boobs and to squat when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
Or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my d***.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!