Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.
Never argue with a 90 degree angle. It’s always right.
School taught me a valuable lesson. I’m still paying for it.
Technically, we’re all under the weather.
10 out of 10 people agree that we all agree.
If your pants are on fire, being a liar becomes less important.
Haikus are easy
but sometimes they don’t make sense
Rock is dead and paper killed it
The art of conversation is, like, kinda dead and stuff.
Procrastinators: leaders of tomorrow.
When you think about it, all galaxies are far, far away.
My friends aren’t imaginary. Just invisible and shy.
Allow me to explain through interpretative dance.
I like to think outside of the quadrilateral parallelogram.
My career as a psychic ended due to unforeseen circumstances.
The definition of suspense is…
A hug is my favorite adhesive.
If rainbows are so cheerful, why are they always frowning?
Let me know if anything I say offends you. I might wanna offend you later.
Life is like a box of terrible analogies.
You can’t spell random without Tangerine Swordfish Disco Car.
I feel all warm and fuzzy inside, like I just swallowed a kitten.
A friend stabs you in the back, a stranger stabs you in the front, a boy stabs you in the heart but best friends only poke each other with straws.
I’m not bitter, I’m just unsweetened.
Sleep is so last night.
Being vague is almost as fun as doing this other thing.
Magic is just stuff scientists haven’t made boring yet.
To err is human. To arr is pirate.
Movies. Ruining books since 1920.
Death. Our nation’s no.1 Killer.
When people don’t laugh at our jokes I don’t think of it as a ‘you-had-to-be-there’ thing. I think of it as a ‘you-had-to-be-mentally-retarded-like-us’ thing.
I’m not saying you’re stupid. I’m implying it!
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
I don’t know karate but I know krazy and I’m not afraid to use it.
What would happen if I hired 2 private investigators to follow each other???
Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.
Was learning cursive really necessary?
"You wanna know what I did to get in here? Nothing...I didn't have anything better to do." –Allison Reynolds, the Breakfast Club (sorry if no one gets this but its funny! And if you don't get it you need to buy the Breakfast Club and watch it!!! I'm totally Allison!)
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. *cough*max*cough* imeanwhat O.O
Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.
When you go to court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
When life gives you lemons, build a lemonaid stant and make lemonaid. Then ust the profits of your lenonaid business to buy a machine gun. Lets see if life makes the same mistake twice.
What would you do if you were a genie and someone asked you to grant 'I wish you would not grant this wish? (I personally would punch them in the face for wasting my time. But ya know thats just me)
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?
The word ‘politics’ is made up of the words ‘poli’ meaning ‘many’ in Latin, and ‘tics’ as in ‘bloodsucking creatures’
My knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.
Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought
You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
Come to the dark side. We have COOKIES!
Life was so simple when boys had cooties
I make the cowardly lion look like the terminator!
Boys are like slinkeys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.
I ran with scissors, and lived!
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I get a boat and save you!!!
I'm the kind of person who will burst out laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday. Or last year. Same difference.
Fergie taught me how to spell delicious and glamorious. But not so much tastey!
Huh, it figures. All the good guys are taken, vampires, or both. Fictional too!
I agree with the dictionary. girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.
We fall for stupid boys we make lots of dumb mistakes we like to act stupid, talk really fast, and laugh really loud. But us teenage girls, we're really going at one thing, staying strong.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before...
There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can't.
I'm right 90 percent of the time, so why worry about the other 3?
I only have PMS on days that end in the letter "y".
I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.
They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 muscles to smile,but only 4 muscles to reach out and slap someone.
"Doctors say I have multiple personalties. We disagree with that."
I read New Moon and Eclipse and I wanted to kick Jacob Black REALLY REALLY HARD (screw that...I'm gonna knock him SENSELESS till he's DEAD. Especially after Eclipse!)
"When life gives you lemons, squirt the juice into life's eyes and see if it still likes lemons after that.
"It doesn't matter whether the glass is half empty or half full, just drink it and get it over with."
"I'm not afraid of Death. What's he gonna do, kill me?"
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together."
"Education is important, school however, is another matter."
"Don’t mess with me - I've got a stick."
"Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't."
"I can only please on person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is unlikely as well."
"1 out of every 4 people are insane. Look at your three best friends, if it's not them, it's you."
"Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls."
"Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped."
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'"
"Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that."
"Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over."
"You know your addicted when Volterra is added to your computer dictionary."
"Whoever said that nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door."
"I'm the kind of girl who walks into a chair and apologizes for it." (no seriously I do! ask my mother
"I do not suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it."
"I smile cause I don't know what the heck is going on."
If your profile is long, copy and paste this on it to make it even longer.
You know you lived in 2009 when...
1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.
2.) You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have a screen name or myspace.
4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the TV.
6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.
7.) You read this list, & keep nodding and smiling.
8.) As you read this list, you think about sending it to all your friends.
9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5.
10.) You actually scrolled back up to check that there was a number 5.
11.) & now you're laughing at your stupidity.
12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for it. And you know you did