10 Ways to Annoy Alice Cullen
10. Take her credit cards and shopping vouchers, hold them above your head and tell her to “jump for it”.
9. Tell her if she was just a few centimetres shorter she could legally be a midget.
8. Wear the trashiest possible clothing whenever you can.
7. Tie her up in a straightjacket. When she protests, tell her she needs to go back to the loony bin.
6. When you go into the sun with her, fall into a twitching heap on the ground and moan “I’m melting.”
5. Pelt her with cloves of garlic.
4. When she gets a vision, ask if her “spidey senses” are tingling.
3. Trip her up and ask if she saw it coming.
2. Ask her what you will be doing in five minutes every ten minutes.
And the Number One way to annoy Alice Cullen?
1. Email her dozens of application forms for the position of speaker on psychic hotlines.
10 Ways to Annoy Charlie Swan
10. Tell him Bella’s pregnant – but you’re having trouble figuring out who the father is… Bella’s unsure whether it’s Edward, Carlisle, Jacob or Mike.
9. Ask him what Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo means in the phonetic alphabet.
8. Decorate his handcuffs with pink lace and flowers the call the station requesting to speak with Chief Swan Princess.
7. Whenever he is around, narrate all that is happening into the invisible walkie-talkie that’s strapped to your shoulder, speaking only in cop talk.
6. Take his gun and use it in a bank holdup – it will have his fingerprints all over it. When he is being questioned about it, sing Bad Boys by Inner Circle and I Shot the Sheriff by Bob Marley in the background.
5. Take his cop car and start a high speed car chase with it.
4. Send him a tape of Edward sneaking into Bella’s room at night, and Bella hitting on Edward.
3. File a report at the station against Edward Cullen – be sure to state in the report that Edward is over a century old, making his relationship with Bella Swan paedophilia.
2. Plant weed on Edward the next time he visits the Swan residence – then when he is being locked up, tell Charlie a strip search may be necessary.
And the Number One way to annoy Charlie Swan?
1. Replace his ammo with silver bullets then tell him that Jacob raped Bella. When Charlie goes to “have a talk” with Jacob, make sure he has his gun with him.