50 things Emmett Cullen must NOT do.
1) Pour sardine oil into the vents of Edward’s Volvo.
2) Use Jasper’s toothbrush to clean his engine parts.
3) Tail Mike three paces back and mimic everything he does (from the way he walks, to the expressions he makes)
4) Picture Rosalie giving Bella a massage in Edward’s presence.
5) Change the sign that says ‘Welcome to Forks’ to ‘Welcome to Fork ME’
6) Change the sign that says ‘Welcome to La Push’ to ‘Welcome to La Push Me’
7) Hide all of Rosalie’s underwear
8) Then tell her the underwear gnomes stole them
9) Then cry and exclaim that if vampires and werewolves are real, why can’t there be underwear gnomes
10) Stock Rosalie’s underwear drawer with granny panties and claim that he thinks they’re sexy
11) Graffiti “I AM THE UNDERPANTS GNOME” on the back of Edward’s Aston
12) Then blame it all on Jasper
13) Rearrange Alice’s wardrobe
14) Throw out all her favorite shoes and bags and claim they are “out of season”
15) Tell her Jasper likes when she dresses in clothes from Walmart
16) Tell Bella that Tanya is coming to visit
17) Tell Bella that Tanya’s only visiting Edward… in the shower
18) Ask his biology teacher where babies come from
19) Accuse his biology teacher of lying, saying that the stork brings them
20) Ask Lauren if he can try out for the cheerleading team
21) Speak to the school guidance counselor and seriously ask him if he thinks that ‘exotic dancing scout’ is a good occupation
22) Stick a “Bloody Volvo Driver” bumper sticker on the back of Edward’s car
23) And on his locker
24) And on the seat of his pants
25) Plant handcuffs, duct tape and chocolate body lotion in Bella’s locker
26) Tell her Edward put them there
27) Call Jacob and tell him that Bella thinks he’d look sexy with his nipples pierced
28) Tell Jacob (after he’s had his nipples pierced) that he was the one who thought Jacob would look sexy with them
pierced and offer to massage them if they got sore.
29) Tell Bella that Edward has a fetish for girls who talked in baby talk
30) Tell the girl scouts who come to the door that he can’t buy any cookies because he’d just had Nemo for dinner
31) Then show them the picture off the net of Nemo as Sushi
32) Walk along the border of La Push in a faux wolf skin jacket
33) Claim that he was practicing for a role as the woodcutter from little red riding hood (after Billy calls Carlisle)
34) Sing “This is the song that never ends” in a high pitched voice
35) Sing “This is the song that never ends” in a high pitched voice for a day
36) Sing “This is the song that never ends” in a high pitched voice for a week
37) Sing “This is the song that never ends” in a high pitched voice period.
38) Wear Carlisle’s Doctor’s coat and stethoscope to school and claim that he’s “Dr Love”
39) Ask the girls if anyone needs a “physical”
40) Tell the school guidance counselor that Edward has a body issues and thinks that he doesn’t eat much
41) Encourage Edward at lunch to eat all the food the guidance counselor has put in front of him
42) Suggest a “pimps and ho’s” theme for prom
43) Change Edward’s facebook profile name to ‘'Count Chocula’'
44) Steal Mike’s camera phone and take pictures down his pants
45) Then put said pictures on Edwards facebook profile
46) List himself in a relationship on facebook with Mike
47) After Mike confronts him, change the status to ‘It’s complicated’
48) Replace the hair wax Edward uses with bacon grease
49) Dye all of Jasper’s white shirts pink
50) Then tell him that he was doing him a favor because Alice thinks guys in pink shirts are sexy
Edward, Jasper and Alice huddled around the neatly written list. Jasper pushed it away and glanced down at his pink shirt, scowling.
“You look sexy in any colored shirt,” Alice soothed, rubbing his arm.
Edward raised an eyebrow. “Shouldn’t you have seen this coming?” he questioned.
Alice’s eyes narrowed. “Shouldn’t you have read his mind before he messed with your facebook account?”
All three vampires glanced at the highway.
“Bella’s three minutes away,” Alice stated, still tracing her hand up and down Jasper’s arm.
“Where is the moron hiding anyway?” Jasper questioned. “I haven’t seen him all afternoon.”
“Hmm,” Edward pressed his lips together in a thin line. “He’s probably up to no good.”
The three vampires sighed in unison. The sound of Bella’s decrepit truck increased in volume and stopped abruptly as she reached the front of their house. As quick as lightening, Edward rushed out to meet her.
“Hey guys,” Bella greeted Alice and Jasper, moments later. ‘What’s happening?”
Alice and Jasper pointed to the piece of paper and Bella nodded knowingly.
“Another Emmett list?” she said in a resigned tone.
“It won’t work,” Rosalie said as she entered the room and primly sat on the couch. “Even after almost a century, he never pays those lists any heed.”
A sharp ringing interrupted their conversation and Bella reached into her pocket to retrieve the cell phone in question.
“Hi Dad,” she murmered.
Alice gasped and left the room. Edward cussed under his breath as Rosalie and Jasper looked on in confusion. Seconds later, Alice returned with a fresh piece of paper.
Bella continued to listen to Charlie and her brow furrowed in confusion.
“There was what?” she asked in disbelief.
Rosalie smirked and Jasper took the piece of paper from Alice and started on a new list.
50 things Emmett Cullen WILL NOT do
1) Call in anonymous tips to Police Chief Swan about spotting a silver Volvo driving recklessly in the town of forks.
( this pic i have i borrow fr someone but i 4got who u are sry lol )