Letters from Edward: Breaking Dawn Part One


More Letters From Edward! First time reading? Letters From Edward is a little funny thing Sarah Anaya aka Cookie Monster ! and I came up with when just randomly talking about Twilight. These are letters
from Edward to his love, Bella. These are meant to be funny and are not
to be taken seriously. There should be at least one from each book (most
of the time more) and who knows? Maybe more. Enjoy these Letters From
Edward!




Hello Eveyone !

We're back!!! Sorry for the long wait, I've finally finished my first and only year as a pre-med, so I hope to have more time for LFE. We have the first few parts of Breaking Dawn done and ready to put up for your enjoyment in the next couple of days. The end of LFE is coming soon, seeing as we are on BD. Have any suggestions on what we should do next? Tell us! We would love to hear your input. Without further adieu, here is the next letter from Edward!



Dear
Lovely Sack of Blood…I mean, Love. Yeah, Sack of Love,

I know it’s been awhile love but you know things happen, mostly Rose has her little temper tantrums like a little kid. Sometimes I think when Carlisle change her, she was pmsing and she just stayed that way. Emmett decided to play a joke on her, and let’s just say she decided to punish all of us (it’s called Midol!). I finally got my super awesome cool computer that I ordered straight from Japan because you know I have the money to do that but you never let me buy you things. I swear you’re weird. Girls would love a nice car or clothes; you just want love and affection and forever. What the eff is that about ??

Anyways, where I last left off in the last letter so long ago, you had agreed to marry me. Now that you have the rock on your finger (and a damn fine rock it is! It may be really old and basically falling apart because it's so old), you freak like a little scardy cat. Your truck just HAPPENED (by no fault of mine!) to break down, so I bought you a new one. It's a freaking mini-tank! That thing could roll down Aro and kill that shiz. I have such fine taste in everything. I am just awesome like that. You can't seem to drive it because it actually works, unlike your truck. I mean, I was getting calls from people worried you were drunk driving! (Your love drunk off my humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps, oh yeah).

You'll get use to driving it love, and if not, too bad because once you go Cullen, there ain’t no going back. So get use to the nice shiny car!! As usual, you worry for that dog Jacob. He couldn’t handle the news of our engagement (I can’t blame him. I’d go in a corner if the girl I loved was marrying me, I mean, I AM Edward Cullen. When you get Eddiepuss, you don’t want nothing else, baby.) The little poodle decided to stay a wolf forever and cry in the woods. Maybe he's getting some lovin’ elsewhere. I mean who knows what those mutts do in the woods by themselves. All I have to say is, love, your precious Jacob better not lift his tail. So you’re on your way home and you start to reminisce on the time we told Charlie we were engaged. Haha, you were so scared. I don’t know why though. It’s not like he could shoot me. That would have been funny as hale to seen his face if he did because I could have popped up and said "IM BATMAN, MOFO!" He would have had a heart attack! Bahaha! But in all reality, he took it pretty well. So did your mom. I still think she wants my sparkly joy stick, I mean, I know you do huh huh huh, but you can’t have it because I’m my own cock block.

So you return for your excursion in the outside world, which you rarely go out into because I guess you’re practicing to be a blood crazy, wild, animalistic newborn who wants to drink the whole town of Forks dry and then some because Forks isn't really that big. In fact, it's about as small as small can get without being nonexistent. I could eat the whole town before they could blink. Really, they must be stupid to be living with a bunch of vamps. Good thing we don't eat people because them suckas would be DEADZ! But I digress.

Alice pretty much is raping your dad upstairs in his tuxedo, but I’m pretty sure he likes it. I mean, lets be honest here, he has a thing for Alice. We know it, you know it, Mike Newton’s third cousin twice removed knows it. Well, after he gets done getting mauled by the Alice-Train, it’s your turn. You try your dress on and you’re still all shy and insecure and anxious about the whole wedding thing (get over it, its happening. We’re gonna do the dirty afterwards so be happy!! ). Once the fitting from hell is over with and a few other boring things happen to you, yeah I just don’t care, I come and adore you with my sparkly white hott presence (I know it’s too much to take in). You’re a little worried about the bachelor party but it’s nothing (I wish for strippers but Emmett would surely bite or drain them and we don’t need a vamp with herpes). Instead, we just kill a few mountain lions and blah blah blah.

So after a boring night of killing kitty cats and Emmett explaining the joys of sex and Jasper and me not wanting to hear his wise words of wisdom, we make our way home. Alice rushes me to decorate while you’re upstairs getting ready. So you are subject to Rose and Alice's torture. Believe me, I feel your pain. Before you, I had to be the life sized Barbie for them to play with, and that was NOT pretty. I still dry heave when I think of the time they made me into Stripper Barbie.

So I’m waiting for you to come down the stairs. I mean, I’m kinda wondering if you’re gonna trip (I have a bet going with jasper that you’ll trip on the last stair, he thinks the first). I’m waiting, what’s taking so long? I mean, I know you’re human but damn, love, I hate people staring at me, not that I don’t mind it. Really, I mean, I am a sex god after all. But when I’m waiting for the women I’m suppose to marry to come down the stairs and I got a wolf and his mama looking at me well his mama looking at me like I’m satan’s b**** reincarnated (pssh what’s her deal? I bet Jacob sent her. If she can read minds, read this JACOB YOU’RE A FAIRY THAT FROLICKS IN THE WOODS). You finally descend the staircase and you’re beautiful and not the kind of beautiful that I always call you because I know
I’ll get some later on down the line. No, you’re actually break a bed beautiful... these people should leave the room soon. Oh yeah, I need to marry you, vows and virtue, dammit I hate being my own cock block. So we say our vows and get to the party were I’m pretty sure Alice paid most these people to come. Of course who wouldn’t come? I mean our house is awesomely sweet and I do live here.

And this is where I must stop. Why? Because I like the suspense. You know you wanna get to the honeymoon. Now you have to wait. HAH!

Love always,
Your Eddielumps


Want to get the full LFE experience? Missed our other letters? Read them here!

Letters From Edward: Twilight
Letters From Edward: New Moon Part One
Letters From Edward: New Moon Part Two
Letters From Edward: New Moon Part Three
Letters from Edward: Eclipse Part One
Letters from Edward: Eclipse Part Two
Letters from Edward: Eclipse Part Three
Letters from Edward: Eclipse Part Four
Letters from Edward: Jacob's Letter from the Epilogue
Letters from Edward: Breaking Dawn Teaser

Views: 179

Tags: Breaking, Dawn, Eclipse, Edward, Letters, Moon, New, Rosalie, Twilight, from, More…funny, one, parody, part, spoof

Comment by Iveth funes on May 9, 2010 at 6:13pm
i love the stripper part jajaja
Comment by Renesmee Cullen on May 9, 2010 at 6:15pm
love it! its funny, but slightly sweet
Comment by Alina Cipriano Cullen on May 9, 2010 at 6:47pm
"You try your dress on and you’re still all shy and insecure and anxious about the whole wedding thing (get over it, its happening. We’re gonna do the dirty afterwards so be happy!! )" LOL hahah omg I really missed this!!!
xD
Comment by I.Luv.Eduardo aka Edward on May 9, 2010 at 7:33pm
"Eddielumps" bahahaha! Thanks for this!
Comment by TANNI on May 9, 2010 at 7:52pm
I love Twilight specialy rob...........
Comment by isabella cullen on May 9, 2010 at 8:03pm
this is hilariouse i love the letter and please hurry with the honeymoon lol i am dying to read it
awsome job :D
Comment by Kristina Ulch on May 9, 2010 at 8:23pm
I love these. keep em coming.
Comment by katherine berakos on May 9, 2010 at 8:36pm
HAHA,
"i am my own cock block"
these are great!
Comment by Dezyree baby! on May 10, 2010 at 12:53am
hahahah love it!!!!!!!!!! XD there awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!
Comment by Francis Dymer Yungco on May 10, 2010 at 1:27am
lol. I wanted to laugh when edward caused damage during their honeymoon. haha ! I'm soo excited to see it on the big screen , not that scene but the battle between the wolf pack, cullens and the new born vampires !!

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