Letters From Edward is a little funny thing Missy (Team Twinkie) and I came up with when just randomly talking about Twilight. These are letters from Edward to his love, Bella. These are meant to be funny and are not to be taken seriously. There should be one from each book and who knows? Maybe more. Enjoy These Letters From Edward!
hello all sorry for the lateness... i know were lame for it but dont send us to the wolves they smell and though most of them have hot bodis i rather be thrown to the sparkly vampires especially Edward ( *winks*) Enjoy this new letter we will have the next one out before Eclipse i swaear on Edward cold sexy body ^.^
Dear Sookie ... oh crap I mean Bella , Bella ! !
We are dancing and guess what loser decides to show up? Yep! Jacob Smells-Like-Dog-Poo Black comes and steals MY wife away to get all bump and grind on her. Looked like he was humping your leg, which is probably what he was doing. You tell him you're gonna get the sexy time on with me (which is no shocker to anyone who isn't STUPID, i mean we ARE married and I am forever a horny teenager). He throws a hissy fit and goes all shaky and shiz and Ii have to step in and save you from the Wolfman here before he messes up your white dress because that shiz is EXPENSIVE to get cleaned at the dry cleaner. He runs off like a pansy into the woods and you shrug and continue on partying with the cool kids/flesh-biting monsters.
Ha Jacob, you'll never win NEVER! I got the girl and all you have are a pack of horny teenage boys, which some of them haven’t imprinted yet. Yeah buddy, don’t go lifting your tail around some of them. Plus Quil’s kinda freaky with his fetish for toddlers. I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him. Wait, I throw really far. I don’t trust him as far as YOU can throw him, love, which I’m sorry to say is not far at all. So, we get done dancing, laughing, basically having an awesome time at our amazing wedding. I mean, my super awesome family did throw it and nothing they do is wrong. Except Emmett. There's just too many things he does wrong. Like jello (don’t ask, love). So we get ready to go on our honeymoon. You say goodbye to your family, I say goodbye to mine. Alice hugs me, Rose scolds me (Seriously, someone needs to fix her or something. Just take away the b****!),
Emmett still wants to tell me about the karma sutra (IM NOT LISTENING!!), Jasper is just jasper, and Carlisle and Esme hand me the keys to their island (oh yeah I’m getting laid). Soon we’re off to the best honeymoon ever. I mean, nothing can ruin it. It’s not like you can get pregnant with a creepy half vamp baby that will almost destroy my sex life and take away my time with you ...no that won’t happen...everything is perfect.
Okay, So we’re on our way to our honeymoon. I hate planes. Planes are boring and people smell, I mean not like blood, yummy smell, but the eeww wtf why haven’t you bathed in a week and smell like you've rolled in poop smell. Thank god you bathe a lot. You’re so clean, I think dreams are scared to even go near your ass. I know your anxious to get there, but it’s getting annoying. You asking me “are we there yet?” You’re not five, Bella, this isn’t a car ride to Disneyland. We will be there soon dammit!! Thank god we make it to Brazil cause I start to question whether I want to kill or just put you to sleep. We make our way through the town to the boat dock which has my awesome cool fast boat (boat boat boat, sorry I had to do that). I travel at light speed to the island. One, cause I’m tired of your constant questions and two, I’m horny and wanna finally get some after a bajillion years of alone time with myself.
There I said it, you win, Edward Cullen is a horny 17 year old boy forever and ever. Guess what? The sky is blue and grass is green. Shocking! We make our way to the island’s shore. You’re in shock, which of course, it’s awesome not like my kind of awesome but close. You look kinda nervous; I guess you weren’t really ready for my sparkly bod. I tell you I’ll be outside in the ocean waiting when you’re ready to grace me with you’re presence.
So, you go into the bathroom and curl up in a fetal position because your nervous as hell for whatever reason I don't know. It's not like i have anything to compare it to. Besides porn, but it's not like I sit in my room late at night after you sleep and watch that stuff. Nuh uh. Suck it up Bella and just come out, I mean, my awesomeness is scaring the moon away. When you finally arrive, all I have to say is don’t trip. You’re beautiful and all but if you trip on sand, I will divorce you. You walk up to me, I can’t help but look at you. I’m sorry but NAKED LADY! Right there! Again, I’m 17 and horny sorry, I’m trying to be calm and lovey but love, let’s be honest, I wanna jump you like a spider monkey. So in a very romantic and non porno way (lame ! !), we have do the deed (s.e.x), which I can’t believe we did cause one min. we’re in the ocean at night naked like in a magical land with fairies, the next I’m pissed off and you’re wide awake happy, if this was in a book I would be very upset with the lack of detail.
You are all smiling like an idiot because you finally got some and let’s face it, I am a sex god. Not just any sex god, I am THE sex god. Ron Jeremy ain’t got nothing on me. He doesn’t even sparkle. Not that I’ve seen him in any of his videos or anything. Remember, Edward don’t do that shiz. I’m supposed to be all virtuous and like a Catholic Church boy. Anyways, you wake up all extremely happy and I am extremely not happy. You are all covered in Edward shaped bruises (yes, I talk in third person. I am THAT awesome) and it makes me turn all emo and I go cry in my corner while you try and get more loving from the Edward-sex-god.
So, after trying to get into my pants and me turning you down, I go and make you eggs because that's what I think all humans eat everyday in the morning. After that, I take you out to do stuff. And thus begins our regular honeymoon schedule. No hot sex on the beach while I sparkle sexily, nope! We go swimming, scuba diving, boat racing, rock climbing, finger painting, you name it. If it is virtuous and has nothing to do with sex, we do it. You sleep for about 20 hours of the day and eat eggs like it was magic potion to give you immortality (stay away, Harry Potter, Bella is MINE!).
We decide to just stay in and watch movies one day cause nothing’s more fun on a sexy island with my sexy hot bod than watching a musical about singing in the rain (if I could shoot myself I would). After a while, we go to bed. Well, you go to bed, I just stare at you creepily in bed. While in bed, you come out wearing what I can only describe is DAYUM! You go to sleep and you wake up in the middle of the night sobbing. I get all freaked out and ask what's wrong. You apparently had a sex dream about me and of course you cry. Who wouldn't? After having the Sex God Edward and then being denied? I feel bad and I give in. This time, I attack the headboard instead of your body. I feel a little better about having sex with my wife because I didn't hurt you this time. I stop being a nun and we are back to being horny teenagers in love.
Well i'll leave it there i have to go save Jasper from Alice again she just loves to take him shopping even though jasper secretly hates it and tries to give alice a b**** mood so he doesnt have to go , but doesnt work cause Alice already knows what he's gonna do ( damn sucks to be him , thank god u cant tell the future) Even though it was funny that she bought him a speedo I will save him from the torement plus he's gonna buy me a super awesome computer since Emmett gave mine a virus ( porn is bad children and so is disneychannel.com ).
Till the next letter my love remember to go in the closet and waite dont want u dying before the next letter . So just have someone bring u burger king to the closet door and make sure there are no knives and forks ( haha forks cause we live in a town named forks ) .
Your's Truely ,