Letters From Edward: Eclipse Part One (of many many parts)


More Letters From Edward! First time reading? Letters From Edward is a little funny thing Sarah Anaya and I came up with when just randomly talking about Twilight. These are letters from Edward to his love, Bella. These are meant to be funny and are not to be taken seriously. There should be at least one from each book (most of the time more) and who knows? Maybe more. Enjoy these Letters From Edward!



Dear Sweet Piece of – I mean, Love of my Life,

I begin this letter by thanking you with all my heart that you have taken me back and that Jacob is still a jerk. I know, love, I’m suppose to be…well, composed and a gentlemen, but quite frankly, love, your and Jacob’s “friendship” is not sitting well with me. Not only do you insist on keeping that smelly, bad dressing dog around, but you want to go off and get all kindergarten with him, sending letters back in forth (seriously Bella, what are you, 3?). Anyways, we are at the table discussing our future plans, and you get all emo on me and decide that you don’t want me to pay for college. You want to be changed before then. Love, I can’t do that, even though I know it would make you happy I just can’t. Like I said before, I don’t think with my brain, I think with my heart. You keep arguing with me about college. I pick up the paper and read about the killings in Seattle which I soo know vampires are involved but I don’t tell you cause…I honestly don’t know why I don’t tell you, I guess I’m just being totally stupid or something.

Anyways, even though your father so totally hates me for basically making you run off again, I’m gonna pretend like nothing happened and ask if I can take you to Florida , I mean what dad would trust there 18 year old hormonal daughter with her boyfriend on an unsupervised trip? Well, since I’m Edward freakin’ Cullen, I can dazzle my way out of a crap bag. So we go to Florida, even though I know it’s sunny there and I can’t go outside, I decide to go. Your mom pretty much thinks I’m either creepy or some super possessive weird boyfriend who just likes to stay indoors during the day. I’m gonna go with the first one. Your mom doesn’t think that bad of me because she does approve of our relationship, as weird and controlling as it may be. We go back to forks, you tanner and me still my sparkly, amazing, albino self.

When you get home, Charlie decides to have the sex talk with you and make sure you’re not being a nasty hoe and getting all knocked up by my supersperm. You get all embarrassed because you ain’t getting any from my ancient ass. You both do a lot of blushing, stammering, and pleading, you make sure he knows you’re still about as pure as a newborn baby, and finally the sex talk is over. Your dad informs you Jacob called numerous times (crazy stalker). You finally call him only to find out that he just wanted to know if you’re changed or not. The dog won’t seem to let it die. He shows up at school trying to look bad ass but really coming off as Douchey McDouchenheimer, the idiot blatantly tells you that Victoria is back. Well, needless to say after that you were scared. Don’t worry, love, I wont let anything happen to you, me and my awesome vampire family will protect you, and stare creepily through your window. Oh, and of course protect you from those wet nasty dogs . Unfortunately, I have to leave to go hunting. While I’m gone, you all of a sudden have an epiphany and want to see Jacob. Honestly Bella, what does he have that I don’t? He can fetch a frizbee and has a bazillion abs, ooohhh that’s soo amazing puh-lease!

So you go down to Wolf-central and surprise Fido and then he gets all bipolar and decides to talk about a bunch of stupid, bad things. He thinks you love me only because I’m rich and good looking. B****, please! It’s all in the sparkle. Even with that Hot Topic Sparkle Gel, he can’t beat me. Anyways, you get all up in his face and shiz and hurt him even though you don’t want to. Then you talk about the wolves and Jakey-poo tells you that Quil has phased and is somehow excited to be man’s best friend. Weirdo. You ask about Sam’s story and he tells you aaaalll about it. Blah blah didn’t know what was going on blah had it the hardest blah blah. I think Sam’s a player the way he up and left Leah for a hotter chic. I could have had Rosalie but I’m still with you. See, that’s love right there. It may be creepy and stalkerish, but it’s the real deal, yo.

And I must stop here, love. Emmett just found a little surprise in his room and is out for blood. Hehe that's what he gets for that little Q-tip incident.

Love,
Edward


Missed the other letters? Check them out!
Letters From Edward: Twilight
Letters From Edward: New Moon Part One
Letters From Edward: New Moon Part Two
Letters From Edward: New Moon Part Three

Views: 16

Tags: Bella, Eclipse, Edward, Jacob, from, funny, letters

Comment by Daniella Swan *Team Twinkie* on December 1, 2009 at 7:14pm
Amazing. This is better than a wikipedia book review. :)
Comment by Edwards_Lamb on December 1, 2009 at 7:31pm
"B**** Please! It's all in the sparkle" and "You get all embarrassed because you ain't getting any from my ancient ass." Those lines were the funniest thing I have ever heard!!
Comment by Adrean --> Team Cookie Monster ! on December 1, 2009 at 8:10pm
LMAO B**** PLEASE !! i love the kindergarden line , lol they so acted like they were 3 . these just keep getting funnier and funnier , cant waite for the next installement , KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK LADIES !!
Comment by Gaby on December 1, 2009 at 8:20pm
You know what you guys should do when ur done with the series? You should keep it going, make up ur own things. That would be hilarious :)!!!!!!
Comment by Alina Cipriano Cullen on December 1, 2009 at 8:47pm
"I don’t think with my brain, I think with my heart." LOL ahahh!!
Comment by princesskae on December 2, 2009 at 3:27am
OME. so good gals. i love this letters. to die for. i always laugh myself silly with this letters. keep up the awesome work. love yall..
Comment by leah witham on December 2, 2009 at 6:24am
funnyand quite tr ue keep the letters cming
Comment by Bella.Cullen. on December 2, 2009 at 10:29am
LOL!!!! this letter is hilarious "Your dad informs you Jacob called numerous times (crazy stalker). You finally call him only to find out that he just wanted to know if you’re changed or not. The dog won’t seem to let it die. He shows up at school trying to look bad ass but really coming off as Douchey McDouchenheimer," My favorite part LOL.
Comment by Sparkle Farts♥ on May 5, 2010 at 1:43am
"Dear Sweet Piece of – I mean, Love of my Life"
"you want to go off and get all kindergarten with him, sending letters back in forth (seriously Bella, what are you, 3?)"
"you get all emo on me and decide that you don’t want me to pay for college"
"I mean what dad would trust there 18 year old hormonal daughter with her boyfriend on an unsupervised trip? Well, since I’m Edward freakin’ Cullen, I can dazzle my way out of a crap bag" hahahhaha crap bag!
"you tanner and me still my sparkly, amazing, albino self"
"make sure you’re not being a nasty hoe and getting all knocked up by my supersperm"
"because you ain’t getting any from my ancient ass"
"pure as a newborn baby"
"He shows up at school trying to look bad ass but really coming off as Douchey McDouchenheimer"


im just gonna read the rest because i want to enjoy it fully, but still THESE ARE GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE THEM♥

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