More Letters From Edward! First time reading? Letters From Edward is a little funny thing Sarah Anaya
and I came up with when just randomly talking about Twilight. These are letters from Edward to his love, Bella. These are meant to be funny and are not to be taken seriously. There should be at least one from each book (most of the time more) and who knows? Maybe more. Enjoy these Letters From Edward!
To my Dearest Yummy Bunny,
Sorry I have not written for so long. I just now got back from that little Fed Ex joke Emmett plulled. Where was I? Oh yes...
After Rover tells you that when we were talking to him before, he thought of you all zombie-like that made me go all emo and cry, you leave all pissed off. As soon as you’re past the treaty line, I’m on you like a fat kid on twinkies. I keep following you like the good certified stalker that I am. You avoid talking to me and instead go to Angela’s to help her address her graduation invites. She gives you advice and tells you that she thinks I’m just jealous of you and Jake. Puh-lease! I’m not jealous of that little hottie and his gazillion ripped abs…he he, yeah I’m totally not jealous.
So you finally get home and I’m already there and done snooping through your underwear drawer, waiting for you to come so I can glare at you. I tell you that you aren’t allowed to go to La Push anymore. You decide that you want to be special too and call yourself Switzerland, which I had me confused for a moment. I thought at first that you were trying to call yourself fat or something. But then I understand. I tell you I have to go hunting and you call the dog and tell him that you can visit him, but my sister picks you up and kidnaps you. But it’s all ok because we’re vampires and we have done worse than kidnapping before. She only did it because I bribed her with a brand new porche, which isn’t creepy at all that I would spend so much for her to keep you at my house. She take you to our house and you sleep in my room but refuse to sleep on the gigantic love bed I bought for us and you instead sleep on the leather couch. You leave me a message on my phone to say that you are very angry and something about grizzly bears. You made me hungry.
Anyways, you’re not having a good time at the sleep over, so you decide to go to bed, but Rose decides to get all noble and tells you the story of how she became a vampire, honestly b**** was crazy, she slaughtered those men without thinking twice, well they deserved it but still crazy, she tries to explain to you why she despises you so much, which we all know is cause of my sexiness, what can I say love, I dazzle the ladies. I’m a hot piece of vamp ass. But not hot because I’m actually cold.
The next day, Jake shows up and takes you away from school and you go to the beach because apparently you like wet dog smells. You find out that Quil turned pedo and imprinted on a two year old. I should almost tell Charlie about that and see how the wolf likes it in jail for lusting after a toddler. Jake gets all sentimental on her and gives her puppy eyes which grosses you out, so totally. Then you go ride bikes, blah blah, you do some talking. Jacob tells you it would be better off if you were dead. Did I just hear a threat in his voice? OOOOH CHARLIE!
You take your bike and head to my house and sleep on my couch again. I come home and like the horn dogs that we are, forget about angry grizzlies and whatnot and start getting friendly. But like the cock-blocker that I am, I stop before getting any and leave you high and dry…well, except for the dry part. You ask about the Denali’s and I tell you that Tanya wants my super hot bod but I don’t want her because I like my girls all clumsy and emo.
Anyways, a lot of boring stuff happens, vampire in your room, Jacob sniffing your room (wtf eeww), Jake cuts himself when you talk about our relationship (emo much?), Jacob thinking he owns your hot ass cause he wants you to spend most your time in La Puke, I swear, love, your puppy is gonna get neutered if he doesn’t quit this horny, love-sick following. You compare our relationship to some motorcycles (uuhhh…Carlisle, you may have to check her head. I think she lost it when I left.) Well, I let you go down to bonfire they throw. Apperantly, they are all 5 year olds cause they have story time and tell you about this crazy lady who committed suicide for a dude. I mean seriously, ccaaaraazzy.
And I must stop now, for Jasper is biting my arm and making it really hard to write, even at my super fast vampire speed.
Missed the other letters? Check them out!
Letters From Edward: Twilight
Letters From Edward: New Moon Part One
Letters From Edward: New Moon Part Two
Letters From Edward: New Moon Part Three
Letters from Edward: Eclipse Part One