More Letters From Edward! First time reading? Letters From Edward is a little funny thing Sarah Anaya
and I came up with when just randomly talking about Twilight. These are letters from Edward to his love, Bella. These are meant to be funny and are not to be taken seriously. There should be at least one from each book (most of the time more) and who knows? Maybe more. Enjoy these Letters From Edward!
Dear Bella Snookiepants,
I am sorry to be so delayed with my letter. Jasper was biting me like he was a teething two year old and when he chomps down, it's hard for even Emmett to pull him off. It's almost like pulling a fat kid from his cake. I just had to wait it out until Jasper finally let go. Anyways, where was I? Oh yes....
Alice plans a graduation party and you get all scared because you realized you’re close to becoming a vamp. We get all talky and find out we both are crazies who think too much. We skip school the next day and Major Jasper tells us old war stories like and old senile grandpa would do. When he’s done, we decide we need more people to fight newborns but the Denali’s refuse unless we kill off the dogs. I’m all for it but Carlisle in his goody goody ways won’t allow it. So I guess we have to use the dogs.
I go hunting, you hang with Jake. He declares his love for you, but you get all confused and smack him down and crush his heart by saying you don’t love him. He gets WAAAY too touchy like that creepy uncle at Christmas parties and you get awkward. He plans to fight harder and stuff knowing that your time as a human is up almost. Then the dog gets all up in my territory and kisses you which you just stand there and take it. You punch the lip rapist and break your hand, which Bella, that was stupid I have to say. Don’t go punching supernatural beings.
He drives you home and tells Charlie all about his lip raping, which for some reason he likes. Why the eff would your own FATHER approve of THAT? Bestiality is against the law. Anyways, you call me and I speed over to commit some animal abuse. Well, I go all ape shiz on Wolfy’s ass. That s.o.b actually laughs about the situation. Love, how can you like him honestly? He's a complete jerkwad. I tell that dog that he's wasting his time, that my awesome sparkliness is too much to handle, and for him to basically give up and run home with his tail between his legs. But the dumb poodle doesnt want to let it go !! (oh it is soo on, you chinchilla). I drive you home and Emmett laughs at you, like usual. You learn about the bet between Jasper and Emmett and you think fondly about the time when you’re a crazy, blood-lusty newborn.
You get ready for the party and somehow realize that Victoria and the newborns stole your shiz and are trying to kill you. I mean, who ISN’T trying to kill you? Oh wait, maybe Mr. Berdy, but I bet he’s got a knife in his desk at school waiting till you come to ask him a question and BAM! No more Bella. Anyways, we graduate, you tell me your realization, I get all angry again (I switch moods like a pregnant lady, I swear it.). Then we have the party and everyone shows up because my house is the shiz and everyone wants to see it, even the wolves. Some of them show up included the ferret Jacob and he gives you a charm bracelet and demands to be part of the newborn fight. Major Jasper says to have a strategy meeting so we plan it out and Jasper runs off to find his camo and fighting gear.
We have the meeting really late and you’re all tired and like a zombie. The vampires do a bunch of cool vampire moves and make the wolves jealous. Wolfy licks your face and we all freeze in shock because bestiality is totally gross and stuff. He makes up a plan to make a fake scent trail so that the newborns will follow that and won’t follow is foul ass scent to where you REALLY are and won’t eat your scrumpscous little body. I like the idea because obviously I don’t want anyone to be eating you but me—I mean eating you at all he he. Yeah, that’s what I meant.
The next day you wake up sooo late and I see Jacob’s charm and freak my shiz over it. I then give you a diamond heart that symbolizes me. It’s sparkly, cold, hard all the time, and it’s really expensive. I get a call from Alice that you want to join the battle and I put my sparkly foot down. You instead decide to take me out of the action instead and make me babysit you. You find out that Jake is Sam’s second in command and that Leah is soo a wolf now. I leave to talk to General Crazy about me sitting out and Alice flirts with Charlie to get him to let you stay at my house but actually you’re staying for the fight. That night we go to practice and you fall asleep and get covered in doggy fur, yuck!
And here is where I stop. Jasper has chewed up all the paper in the house and I really don't feel like having to drive all the way to the store to get more. So I'll just wait until Esme goes shopping or something.
issed the other letters? Check them out!
Letters From Edward: Twilight
Letters From Edward: New Moon Part One
Letters From Edward: New Moon Part Two
Letters From Edward: New Moon Part Three
Letters from Edward: Eclipse Part One
Letters from Edward: Eclipse Part Two