More Letters From Edward! First time reading? Letters From Edward is a little funny thing Missy (Team Love Hexagon)
and I came up with when just randomly talking about Twilight. These are letters from Edward to his love, Bella. These are meant to be funny and are not to be taken seriously. There should be at least one from each book (most of the time more) and who knows? Maybe more. Enjoy these Letters From Edward!
Dear: Sugar Lovebum
Well i finally got some paper but emmett decided he wanted to make paper airplanes an a paper airport ( rosalie is being a b**** and decided to take away his xbox ) gotta love his imagination though like an overgrown 2 year old , but enough of that ....
We go to my house and you decide to whore yourself out and starts taking off my clothes but I push you away because I’m a good lil murderous bastard. I break the bed and we didn’t even do anything to show you how strong I am and how I can hurt you. Then you continue your conquest of my sparkly bod and finally I agree that we can practice baby making after we get married. You find out that I’m acting like a nun in a whore house and laugh about my virtue. Then I whip out my mama’s ring and ask you to marry me and you agree though you look really grumpy when you do it.
After I basically get you to pimp my mom’s awesome ring (secretly I wish Jacob would see it and eat shiz), we go down to the garage and get ready to leave for the super cool vampire fight that your making me sit out of even though later on it won’t even matter (you'll see love). Alice pretty much threatens you into letting her throw us a wedding, even though you don’t want to, but your such a push over that it doesn’t even matter that you are complaining cause your just gonna say yes to whatever she wants (honestly love grow some balls!). So we make it out to the field were I tell you to start spreading (hehe spreading) your sent around to throw off the newborn vamps. While doing this, you fall and make yourself bleed (what else is new?). So you decide to get all crazy and spread blood everywhere (ooookay someone’s a little to eager to help, I mean, seriously, if we weren’t in danger, I’d take you to the nut farm). After making a trail, I let that stupid weenie dog take you to the tent I set u., If swear, if he touches your ass, he loses a ball and I don’t mean the squeaky kind.
So when you get there, I have the tent all set up (and its amazing like me). I get you in the tent cause there’s a storm a-coming. You are pretty much freezing to death, and there's nothing I can do. I would pretty much give you frost bite if I touch you, but I’m still sexy and that’s all that matter. Since I didn’t think about bringing a space heater or extra blankets (stupid, stupid) I let that poodle warm you up, even though I can read every vulgar thought he's thinking (honestly, jerkoff, some of these things are physically possible!! Douche) anyway me and tickbag have a long conversation about you. I would honestly like the dog if he wasn’t trying to hump you every second of the day. Well we decide our crazy weird truce will end at first light. So till then, I start humming the lullaby I wrote for you (man, I’m sexy, just damn who else can compose a song that makes panties drop, no one but me Edward freakin’ Cullen). Once daylight appears you start waking up but that dog basically smothers you so you can’t get up, so I do the most logical thing possible. I open up the sleeping bag and dump the dog on the floor where he belongs. He gets all butt hurt and starts shaking (ooohhh I’m soo scared of the poodle) but for your safety he calms down and leaves the tent. While he's gone you ask me my top best nights ever and of course I take this opportunity to put that dog in his place so I tell you the night you said yes to me when I proposed. Well lover drool hears it (haha yes bow down to the dazzly one) and goes all mental and howls, basically crying like a baby. You get mad and tell me to bring him back. Why I bring him back, I don’t know. I must be whipped love, cause I swear I should have just let the mutt go off on his pity parade. I leave you two to talk. I hope he doesn’t try anything; if he kisses you love don’t let him. I’m just letting you know they lick themselves in dog form and you never know were that tongue has been. (just saying). Well, I come back and you have a weird look on your face, wait what the? (you hoe!). I mean, I’m sorry love, but I can stand the fact that your lips went anywhere near dog butt’s lips. I’m gonna have to wash your mouth out with bleach.
Well, the fight pretty much starts and things are going good, until I realize the psycho b**** is coming after us. Honestly, why didn’t Alice see that coming? I’m revoking her shiny yellow porche privileges for that one. So I take you deeper into the woods, right around some rocks cause you know if you get hurt, you can always land on a nice sharp rock that will break your fall, love. Well, me and the other dog Seth (not a bad kid. less douchey than Jacob) fight off Victoria and Riley, a lot of stuff happens. Riley dies, then we kill Victoria (you’re welcome). Well while getting rid of the body, I see Alice’s vision of your lover boy jumping in front of a newborn that was trying to get to another wolf (honestly I thought they had super hearing aides she couldn’t just turn around. uuh idiots). Anyway, well your mutt gets beat up and you go all mental (which we’ll discuss at a later date hhmmph). We go back to the field where we see another newborn named Bree. Carlisle wants to help her. Well, around this time Jane, Demitri and the other guards arrive to clean up the mess we made (again, you’re welcome). They kill Bree, which I think I would have done eventually. I mean she was apart in wanting to kill you love, I can’t let that go. I can get gangsta if I need too. After that I drop you back off at my awesome family’s mansion,me and Carlisle go down to check on your pet. He's fine, just broken up. With the thoughts he thinks, he's lucky I don’t neuter him. You eventually go over to Jacob’s and tell him that you love me and you can’t leave me (you know pretty much choosing the awesomeness of the awesome, I mean I sparkle). Ya’ll have a sad moment yad yad wa wa. Anyway, we go to our meadow where we talk about the wedding and you pretty much guilt me into wanting to bang you right there (okay I wanted to but I’m just gonna blame you). I guess after so many times of me clock blocking, you decided that you don’t want to do it now but wait till we are married (dammit I should have banged you when we got back from Italy uuhh!). After that, you take my ring put it on and inform me we have to tell Charlie. OH SHIZ! I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not scared of him, but that mustache! I mean I can’t take him serious with it. Did he grow that with the sole purpose of looking like a 70's porn star? Or was he thinking that’s a serious look? I promise I won’t laugh or hum YMCA while he talks love.
Well, I have to go. Emmett is bored with his paper planes and decided to take his big boy imagination outside to make a rock fort. I'm supposed to be second in command and Jasper is the enemy force. Until next time, love, remember: lock yourself in a closet. With your luck and attraction for all things supernatural, the lucky char,m guy could come and kill you with his pot of gold. But knowing you, it will probably be the Easter bunny and some poisonous eggs. Honestly Love, go to the closet. We don't need you starting World War 3 now do we.