Letters From Edward: Jacobs Letter From the Epilogue



More Letters From Edward! First time reading? Letters From Edward is a little funny thing Missy (Team Love Hexagon) and I came up with when just randomly talking about Twilight. These are letters from Edward to his love, Bella. These are meant to be funny and are not to be taken seriously. There should be at least one from each book (most of the time more) and who knows? Maybe more. Enjoy these Letters From Edward!



We decided since Jacob's p.o.v is the epilogue we'd give him a letter, it's only fair. So enjoy this letter from jacob, oh and the be has a dirty mouth ( he needs some orbits gum).






Dear: Cold Hearted Bit…I Mean, Bella,



So, I don’t know what to say, I mean, I get this letter from that statue saying you’re getting married (isn’t it illegal to marry dead things?). What does he have that I don’t? Ooooohhh he sparkles, that’s the gayest thing ever, really shouldn’t he be glittering up Vegas? I don’t know what you want me to do. First you say I’m not good enough. Oh, I only almost died for you but it’s okay cause I’m not good enough. You could have told me this shiz along time ago, you know, back when he was gone, so I could have just gone and screwed Embry's cousin. Seriously, what were you thinking? You just keep leading me on and shooting me down cause of that marble boy (he has to be gay, there’s no way a guy can be that pretty and be playing for the straight team).





If you think I’m going, I’m not. No, I’m just gonna run off into the forest and turn into a furry dog cause that’s the logical thing to do. I mean, I could talk to you, make things right, but I’d rather much pee in the forest and use leaves as a bathroom then come talk to you (b****). I mean, I have an awesome body too! I mean, yeah okay, I don’t sparkle, but why would I want too? I don’t wanna look like I just came from a gay bar (honestly how do u not know he's gay? Cause he tells you?? yeah very logical.). And how’s he gonna screw you? How do you know he doesn’t have poison man juice and the minute he gets to the happy place, he kills you with it? You know you’re prone to that shiz. Not the getting semen blasted but the dying part. I’m surprise you’re still alive. I mean, really a stick could kill you.
And that family of his, every time they come around I wanna sing thriller. The blonde is hott, but she always looks like there's a stick up her ass. What’s up with her? When she died she was pms'ing and now she's permanently pms'ing or something I swear. And that doctor with his doctoring, ooohhh I’m Dr. Fang, I could cure cancer if I wanted to but I’m not cause I’m just a stupid head who doesn’t know that I could cure cancer (a******). I mean, yeah they have money and a nice house and are I guess pretty (uuhhh), but I love you. I mean I don’t have money but you know I love you and when the diner has that special every Tuesday, I’d take you there. But you’re gonna have to sneak out the back, cause I can only pay for one of us. That doesn’t matter, the point is I love you and that’s all we would have needed and a house and a car and...



You know what, fine. Go off with the living carcass. But I know you would want to bang me. I mean, I’d bang me if my mirror would some how let me (yeah I think about banging myself, I’m Jacob Black, I spew sex ppssh). I don’t get how you'd want to bang him. You'd probably get frost bite from his frozen icicle of a shlong (well, maybe not. It might not be long enough HA HA!) Seriously, I would love to see that monumental disaster, * Omg Bella my manhood gave you frostbite! But it’s okay cause I sparkle and frolick like a fairy).



You know what, fine, you couldn’t handle me anyway. I’d probably put you into cardiac arrest with my amazing hotness. You'll be back, you always come back cause twinkle toes will some how screw up and you'll be like “oh Jacob! Edgay broke my heart! Will you comfort me with your amazing hot bod?” Yeah, you'll be back. The question is if I want you.


Okay, I was kidding. I do want you. I love you my Snookie, just come back. I promise not to wear the jorts (jean shorts Bella. I know you want me, but keep your head out of the gutter) anymore. I swear Sam makes us. I secretly think he likes us with just jorts (maybe him and Edpuss can get together for a sparkle/furr fest). I gotta go be a son of a crack head and run off into the forest, fursplode, and not talk to you till your wedding where I’ll ultimately be a douche and ruin it for you. I shouldn’t do that but I will and I’ll regret it, but I don’t think. Anyways, I gotta go be a douche.



Love, Jacob
p.s Edward’s a sparkly fairy who frolicks gayly in the sun, just saying.

Views: 51

Tags: eclipse, edward, from, funny, letters, parody, spoof

Comment by I.Luv.Eduardo aka Edward on December 12, 2009 at 9:04pm
lol I'd rather get frostbite from Eddikins than sneak out of a diner and hear u talk douche lol Very funny, thanks for sharing.
Comment by Tink on December 12, 2009 at 10:27pm
lol i live in vegas that so funn love that line!!!
Comment by Gaby on December 12, 2009 at 11:25pm
Edgay? He's not gay! lol
Comment by EnchantMeTwilight on December 13, 2009 at 11:14am
ha!
Comment by Kayla Pattinson on December 13, 2009 at 7:55pm
i love these letters they are so funny. Good job
Comment by Maria Kost on December 14, 2009 at 1:18pm
HAHA this is great! My favorite part has to be the "What’s up with her? When she died she was pms'ing and now she's permanently pms'ing or something I swear." You should totally do more Jacob ones. That was totally great! Keep it up! U ROCK!
Comment by Ali~owL Twerd on December 27, 2009 at 9:42am
lol so funny
i cant wait to the next one!!
banging da mirror lol
Comment by Louise Kilner-Cullen on January 7, 2010 at 9:33am
whens the next letter too excited...
Comment by Louise Kilner-Cullen on January 18, 2010 at 9:15am
omg when is the next letter
Comment by Louise Kilner-Cullen on January 18, 2010 at 9:16am
omg when is the next letter i love

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