Letters From Edward is a little funny thing Sarah Anaya
and I came up with when just randomly talking about Twilight. These are letters from Edward to his love, Bella. These are meant to be funny and are not to be taken seriously. There should be one from each book and who knows? Maybe more. Enjoy These Letters From Edward!
We continue the letters with the beggining of New Moon. We are splitting New Moon up because we wrote so much about it. So expect those in the days to come.
Dear Lollipop Drops,
Now that you are healed and it's almost your birthday, my awesome stupendous vampire family want to throw you a party even though you don't want one and you think your old, which frankly my dear, you need to lose the 'tude cause its quite annoying. Anyways, we are in the party room were you're opening presents. Alice gives you a small box and you get a paper cut that draws soo much blood that I kinda think you're an anemic, I mean seriously! What are you? A blood bank? Sorry love, I lost my temper, though it's just a paper cut, Jasper immediately turns into a crack attack looking for a hit and attacks you and damn, that was pretty cool how I pushed him out of the way. I mean did you see that? He flew 30 feet!
So Carlisle tries to clean your wound, but me and my broody emo ways reflect on how all of this could have been prevented, I should have changed you earlier, but my love, I couldn't, and now I must leave you even though I know you'll get all depressed and want to die, but I cannot stay, the prick in me needs to leave you to protect you from my awesome sparkly body. Instead of letting you down in the comfortableness of your house I'm gonna take you to a forest were there are werewolves and a sadistic vampire wanting to kill you, I know you'll be safe while I'm gone.
So I break the news to you in the woods that are really unsafe to protect you from my awesome sparkly ways and immortal life and you lie down and take a sad nap in the woods. The wolves come and find you and one changes back into a human name Sam but you don't know he's a wolf yet because that comes in a later chapter. You are all crazy and saying shiz all crazy-like and your dad gets all freaked and you're all catatonic for a few days. Then the months pass by and apparently you don't do anything because nothing is written. I mean god, you didn't even shower or eat or sleep or something, it's just blank! Like staring at a wall for hours upon hours which you seem to do a lot because I'm not there to stare at anymore. Seriously Bella you stunk like ass for those months, love, have you ever heard of hygiene? I understand you're depressed love, but you shouldn't smell like ass, no wonder your dad wanted to take you to Jacksonville, love you were going bat shiz crazy.
So then you decide to hang with Jessica and go shopping even though you hate shopping but somehow decide to go see a zombie movie instead and while walking out of the movie theater you see some really old looking guys that look almost old enough to be you dad or something. Bella love, seriously have you ever watched To Catch a Predator? I'm sure that man was on that show. He greases out a few pick-up lines and you decide to get on the back of his motorcycle because you ARE crazy and you're hallucinating me telling you to stop that shiz now but you don't listen to transparent me and you ride his bike but freak out and make him stop and he glares at you.
So you buy some motorcycles out of spite (you don't have to be a b**** Bella, I tell you to do something and you don't listen like you know things, puh-lease) you go to Jacob Black and his Fabio looking self to help you fix the bikes. Bella love why'd you pick him? Why not the Michellen man? At least he looks like a marshmallow and not a super hot model with abs of steel. You get close to Jacob and start to have feeling for him even though you don't know and you're still depressing over me (haha jacob haha). Yes in this time he will make you laugh and heal, but you have become so jaded that you don't realize that you could probably get you some of that awesome werewolf loving that you don't know you would be getting but no.
And I must stop writing for now, Jasper is getting in one of his moods, and you know how those are. I think the volturi are feeling his angst right now. So I shall write to you again soon, my sugarlumpkins.