Letters From Edward is a little funny thing Missy (Team Love Hexagon)
and I came up with when just randomly talking about Twilight. These are letters from Edward to his love, Bella. These are meant to be funny and are not to be taken seriously. There should be one from each book and who knows? Maybe more. Enjoy These Letters From Edward!
We continue the letters with the end of New Moon. We are splitting New Moon up because we wrote so much about it.
Dear: Sugar Cheeks
I hope you took my advice and waited in the closet for my next letter. Okay were'd i leave off , oh yeah me getting all j****** crazy cause i thought you died , but really it was all a misunderstanding but im being such an idiot that i dont realize it , and ultimately put mine and your life in danger , oh well so .....
I go to Volterra to ask to die , but the old vampire wants me in his coven (eeeeww creeper! He was on To Catch a Predator too I think). I refuse and decide to show my sparkly hot bod in the sun and make all the people at the festival see my sparkly awesomeness which is not allowed by vamp laws. Even though I could have soo ask for a phone to call Alice and see if you were really dead, no love, I want to die, die, I cant be in a world were your clumsy ass doesn't exist, I try to step out, but you smash into me. At first I was in heaven, but from my previous lack of judgment, I was wrong. You stood before me in all your glory (and smell of dog, wtf do u smell like dog??). I kiss you and bring you inside even though I know we should be running because the creepy old vampire wants my sexy ass. We are soon visited by to volturi members Demitri and Felix (damn he's tall! Was he a building in his other life?). We are greeted by Jane also, who make us follow her to there lair, ( lair, that sounds weird ). We have to follow her because she's got this crazy ass power that causes you to have some b******' pain with just a look and she's all sadistic and likes to see me writhe on the floor or something. Anyways, Aro tries to convince me to join them, but I won't, it's wrong and he's uber weird, and not to mention a total pedo. He try and get into your mind but because your such a mind block, he cant. They want to kill us, but Alice show Aro a vision of me and you frolicking through the woods (even though it looks really gay). He lets us go, and soon we are on a plane back to Forks where your dad goes all ape shiz crazy on me (he needs to take a Zanax and chill seriously). I watch you sleep like nothing is wrong, even though I did leave you with a super buff werewolf that wants to bang you.
So then you wake up in the middle of the night because you slept on the whole way home. I mean, you had a ROUGH day to say the least, getting almost killed by vampires and doing all that cardio you did when you were running though the fountain and whatnot. Anyways, you we talk and say a lot of gushy mushy stuff and you decide to put your mortality to a vote at my house, which I so totally hate because even after all that, I still don't want you to be sparkly and awesome like me. I give you a piggy back ride that you love and we get to my house in record time.
You have my family vote and they all vote yes except for me and Rose. Rose votes no because she is so freakin' jealous that I find you pretty and not her and because she wants you to get laid and have babies and get all saggy and whatnot because that's what she wanted when she was alive. I get all emo and pissed off and I storm out and smash a TV because apparently smashing expensive TV's help keep you mortal or something. You and Carlisle decide to change you after graduation but later on you tell me you would rather have me do it. So I give you one condition if you want me to do it and I ask you to marry me. You look at me really funny and start laughing and cause me to go all emo again because you're laughing that I asked you to marry me. Like, “OMG, Edward actually thinks I'll marry him!” Yeah, something like that.
Apperantly Bella love, you don't take me serious but I'm dead serious (no pun intended) you will be mine forever and Jacob will wallow away into his own h*** which i will enjoy every damn day. I mean, were does he come off, I'm Edward Cullen! I sparkle and dazzle you. He's Jacob, sure he's muscular and has a really hot body, but he can't brood like I can, He can't sparkle like I can, and he can't be just all around awesome like I can (seriously, I mean, I'm Edward freakin' Cullen for all that is holy!). Bella love, he doesn't love you, he only wants to bang your hot bod and just talk about it, he's not like me. I would so bang your hot bod and then cry about how are rock-ass love making almost killed you.
Anyways, later on I drive you home from school, we see your bikes in your driveway and you're all like “OH SHIZ!” and so we go into the woods even though Charlie is yelling up a storm and probably will bust a vein or something. We see Jacob being all shaky pissed and he is thinking that I'm keeping you from him but you tell him that you're grounded and that's why you haven't been seeing him. But you don't tell him that I wouldn't let you see him anyways because his hot Fabio model body is too dangerous for you to handle. He reminds us that the treaty says we can't bite humans and you get all pissed because you really wanna be a vamp and don't realize that l can just put venom in a syringe and change you that way and I won't even have to bite you but no we don't think of that.
Charlie keeps yelling louder and I swear he's gonna break something so we all leave the woods go and face the music, and by music, I mean Charlie spitting (literally) at us.
Now I must go. Emmett has got this creepy look on his face and is holding a box of Q-tips. Lord knows what he's gonna do.
P.S OH SHIZ !!! i know wat emmett's gonna do with those Q-tips and there not for my ears!! *wimpers*