Letters From Edward is a little funny thing Missy (Team Love Hexagon)
and I came up with when just randomly talking about Twilight. These are letters from Edward to his love, Bella. These are meant to be funny and are not to be taken seriously. There should be one from each book and who knows? Maybe more. Enjoy These Letters From Edward!
We continue the letters with the middle of New Moon. We are splitting New Moon up because we wrote so much about it. So expect those in the days to come.
Let's see where did i leave off , i told you about jasper going ape shiz crazy over your blood. Jacob and his Fabio looking ass.. hhhmmm oh yes I remember.
Then you finish the bikes and you go with ya little boy toy to take them for a ride and you see Sam and his pack but you don't know they are wolves yet so you don't think pack but friends. Anyways, they jump of a cliff and you freak out because apparently you've never heard of cliff diving before, I mean, do you live in a h***? You rush to the side of the road like you think you can do something, like your SuperClumsy or something, but Jacob stops you and laughs and says they aren't fighting but just jumping because it's fun to plummet to you death apparently. Then he gets all bipolar and is suddenly whining like a baby about how Sam gives him these weird-ass looks (is Sam playing on Adam Lambert's team, ya know what I mean?) and you get all concerned because no one is taking your pet away and so you glare at where he used to be and go to drive your death-on-wheels to where you're going to ride and eventually fall off of them.
Oh my love, I love that you still envision me while in you're in your psycho h***, but honestly motorcycles?? Are you mental? Seriously Bella, you would die if you tripped over air. You decide to not heed my warning (which is ticking me off by the second) and you fall off. Your pet decides to get all Calvin Klien model on you and rips his shirt off, I mean come on, he could have just ripped a corner off his shirt but no, he had to get all dip shiz and take the h*** thing off, (I will kick his ass one day and thoroughly enjoy it).
Anyways I digress, (smelly ass dog) you soon get dumped by lover boy because he starts morphing into a giant dog that can't control his temper, like jasper at a .....nevermind. He soon finds a way around the rules which seriously, he could have just told you this stuff in the beginning instead of being a prick and waiting, I mean who does that (oh right). Mmm...well you forgive him, why you forgive him, I don't know, but you do, and soon find yourself in the middle of a dog fight. If your Jacob loved you so much he would have at least, you know, not put you in danger or something. Anyways, you meet the rest of the pack but don't really get to know them because, well, the story doesn't really let you and quite honestly there boring dogs. After a week of your pet searching for Victoria, you decide to go cliff diving and Bella, I love you and all, you are my world but WTF WERE YOU THINKING??? You crazy nut bar, you could have died, how was that any excuse to hear my voice? Thank god that mutt saves you even though again he's half naked (swear he's a little fancy I mean what group of guys goes around half naked all the time and in the rain and in the mountains where it's cold??honestly!! ).
You soon find out Harry Clearwater has died and the redheaded uber b**** got away again. Jacob takes you home and you find yourself ready to be happy for him, but not happy enough because you deny him a kiss (haha jacob haha!). He quickly tries to get out of the car but realizes there's a vampire near, why he didn't realize this early is beyond me, I thought he had super doggy smelly abilities? He tries to take you away but you refuse. You know that one of us is there, so being the loser that he is, he leaves you there and you go inside the house where my super awesome sister Alice is waiting to chew your ass out about cliff diving and hanging out with smelly dogs. Jacob arrives again later saying that he was sorry and never wanted to break his promise (Bella love, he just wants to bang you, don't fall for it) he tries to kiss you, but because you still love me and my awesome sparkly ass, you deny him.
Then the phone rings and Jacob answers because apparently you can't answer your own phone and he tells me on the phone that Charlie was at a funeral because I heard from Rose that you jumped off a cliff and I decide to be a complete jackhole and die without even talking to Alice first, because you know she sees visions and it would make sense but no, that wouldn't make good on my emo drama. So now I think you're really dead and I go all hulk and Edward smash and my phone crumbles to the ground and now you can't just call me and I can hear your voice.
My love, I must end the letter here. I promise to write shortly, but while I'm gone, please don't die. I mean, really, does the universe hate you? Did you slap baby Jesus in another life? Honestly Bella, you have crap luck love. Why don't you just lock yourself up in a closet and wait for my next letter.