Announcer dude: In a land far far away, there lived a cast of modest (but extremely hot) Hollywood actors involved in something WAY over their heads. They embarked on a journey to film a movie based of the amazing best seller book, Twilight, written by Stephenie Meyer (may all bow to respect the creator). What the cast of Twilight did not know was that there was a new band of fan girls forming. They are an elite group of the most obsessed twilighters. They have unparalleled stalking abilities, absolutely lethal. These fan girls call themselves Twifans. This assemblage of crazed Twihards is the definition of mental fixation. They will stop at nothing to reach their target.....
*part of movie where Bella and Charlie are talking about some kind of animal*
*creepy horror movie music and also star wars music*
Kristen: Hey Billy, what's up?
Billy: Rob's body guard got killed by some kind of fan girl.
Kstew: Gasp! A fan girl?
Billy: Yep. You're not in Adventureland anymore Kristen.
*flash-star wars theme*
The Great Twifans Battle or Nightmare on Twistreet or something corny like that
*part of movie where Bella is coming out of the bookstore and it looks like someone is watching her from the bushes*
*record myself speaking in different voices and then layer them together*
Twifans: I think I see her! Yeah! There she is! What is she reading? It better be twilight! Where's rob? I don't see him? He should be here by now. Do you hear his Volvo yet?
*rob pulls up, Kstew talks to him*
Kstew: Rob, I think you are in danger. There seems to be this new group of fan girls after you.
Rob: yeah, yeah. There is always some obsessed fan after me.
Kstew: No! I'm serious...they are some sort of elite group called Twifans. They are very good at stalking and are very serious. They killed your body guard.
Rob: WHAT!?! Not Efron! He was so much better at protecting me than acting! But these Twifans....they CAN'T be worse than the freaks over at the Twilight lexicon, can they?
Kstew: I'm afraid they are....They have some sort of site, like Myspace, where they can plot and send secret messages all over the world. The worst part is....They are after you. They want to have a NC-17 fan fiction contest about Edward and you're the prize.
Rob: NO!!! I'm too awkward yet hot to be defiled by fan girls! I know....let's ask Peter....he's supposed to be the one with all the answers in the movies.
*they drive away*
*Carlisle scene in hospital or some other scene where he talks a lot*
Peter: Yes, Rob. I know all about the Twifans. What they are doing is unprecedented.
Billy: but just who ARE these Twifans?
Peter: They are an extreme fan group created in December by the H.T.B.I.C.....aka Alison Genet. She is the progenitor of this group and is the one we need to take down at all costs. The next couple high ranking Twifans include: Ms. Monkey Man (Kellen, beware of this one....shes really tough I heard and she's after you), Cali Twilighter, Samuel, Jacksonsgirl, Aimee, and Dustin Maeson Cullen- the older members and more involved. They do a lot on Twifans and go to all the conventions. They are some of the very first Twifans and are definitely the most obsessed. The younger high ranking Twifans to look out for, and you must watch yourself with these due to their youthful strength and hormones, are: Stina, Sheena, Fanpire Fracinelli (actually that ones my battle), and last, but most deadly is Missy Metzler. Now a lot of these Twifans have powers beyond that of a normal fan girl. They are intelligent, ninja-like, and dangerous. First, we try and take down the leader.
Rob: She's mine.
Peter: Okay. And Rob, you must beware of Dustin. He has leather toys and he's not afraid to use them.
Rob: Got it.
Peter: Next is Ms. Monkey Man. She is tough, brazen, and unpredictable. She has one thing on her mind and that is you, Kellen. She has very big plans for you, very big, UNSPEAKABLE things. Can you handle that?
*part of baseball scene with Kellen bragging/whatever to the 3 vamps*
Kellen: Hell yeah, she's going down!
Peter: Jackson, you are supposed to be the one with the most fighting experience in the film, so I want you to take Cali and Jacksonsgirl. Do you think you can do that?
*again, baseball scene*
Jackson: I think I can handle that.
Peter: Good. Now Kristen, I have reason to believe that if we cannot reach a logical understanding with them, the fan guy Samuel will be heading straight for you. You are the youngest of us all, save for Taylor, and also one of the most important. If you have anything hurt your face, we may be out of work. Are you up to the challenge? I will make sure that Billy and Taylor are by your side at all times. Don't worry, we will make sure you stay safe.
Kristen: *looks down or something Bella like* Okay
Peter: Nikki, Ashley, I want you guys to stay together. You guys will be in charge of taking down Sheena and Stina...or as they are known on Twifans- Team Steena. They will be working as an almost perfect team. It is uncanny how much they think alike. Where one is, the other will be. Beware, these two are unlike anything we have ever seen before. Elizabeth will take on the Twitender, Aimee. I will take on Fanpire. She may be young, but she's very determined.
Ashley: but what about Missy Metzler?
Peter: Ahh yes. The Twinun, as she is sometimes referenced as. She is another level altogether. She has an unparalleled obsession with the books and will stop at nothing to get what she wants. She is very intelligent, devious, and driven. She will be very hard to take down. Who knows what she will do. We must be all on our guard. She will sneak up on us all and we will lose. I believe that she will be hiding in the rear, so that when we get distracted, she can come upon us without our knowledge. Whoever finds her first, I ask that you take her out as soon as possible.
Everyone: Okies Carlisl- we mean Peter.
Peter: Okay Kellen, Jackson, take it away.
Jackson: I have fought this kind before. What we need to do is put up some cardboard cutouts to confuse them. Then we set them on fire.
Elizabeth: Umm...Jackson? We are not trying to kill them. We just want to get them off our backs.
Peter: I am afraid that there is no other way. I do not like fighting, even deranged fan girls like these. They'll never stop! We must make sure that not one person is left standing.
Kellen: Okay. Now Ashley. You say that you have gotten knowledge of when they attack will start?
Ashley: Yes. I have contacted my publicist, Future, and she says that the Twifans will be on the set three days from now. There still at a Twilight Convention. *said as a side note*
Peter: Yes. Thank you Ashley. Now go to your hotel rooms and get some sleep, for we will have a long day of shooting tomorrow. After that, make your people get some steroids. I think we'll need them.
*big fight scene- in meadow thing where they played baseball*
Peter: Did you get the cardboard cutouts?
Rob: Yeah. It was easy. All I had to do was spray on some of that glitter hair spray and the cashiers at the store fainted.
Peter: Excellent. The rest of you...are you ready? Ashley, how much longer?
Ashley: not long. In the next hour or so.
Jackson: Ooh wait! Do you hear that? *rustle noise* The Twifans are here!
*Twifans come- scene of bad vamps coming in*
Twifans: (talking altogether-giggling and laughing) I see them! OME! Rob is so HOTT!!!! Kellen won't even wanna fight after he sees me. Peter looks so wise! They even brought us cardboard cutouts as presents! Aw that's so nice! Come here my Monkey Man! I got big plans for you! Wow! Rob's scruff is so cute! Hey Kellen! I got a Brazilian wax and a Cirilla's bag at home full of goodies! Come try them out with me!
Rob: The cardboard cutouts aren't working! The fan girls are not being fooled!
Sam: AND FAN GUY!!!!
Peter: We need a different approach. Let's try to reason with them.
HTBIC: GET THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!
*due to the graphic nature of this scene....we will cut away to something else disclaimer- just have sounds*
Everyone else: (everyone says something according too) Alright Alpha!
Peter: Okay never mind! Everyone run! (they all turn around)
Missy: I don't think so!
Ashley: AH! It's Missy!
Kellen: and about 2 thousand more Twifans! With Team Edward purses full of Twilight merch!
Missy: Oh yeah!
*battle sounds- clanking of metal-sounds of people fighting-cast make noises of defeat and whatnot*
*cut away to pic of a blog on Twifans with winners of some contest and what person they won*
Sheena: Hey Stina,where is Kellen?
Stina: Oh I think Monkey knows something about that (kinda laughs)
*cut to pic of a house*
Monkey: Hey Kellen, how you liking those restraints?
Kellen: (muffled noise)
Monkey: yeah, I like them too. I was always partial to leather. And wax. And, well, everything. So are you ready to play a game? I lead and you do everything that I say.
Kellen: (muffled scream)
*cut away to moral of the story- you don't mess with fan girls (and guy) and their Twilight for they will beat you with purses full of Twilight merch.-end credits star wars style*