I can’t eat… I…I can’t sleep…
The only thing I can muster up the willpower to do these days is…read…Twilight…porn…named…Master of the Universe….
Ok, so remember how last week we started a fanfiction book club with “Master of the Universe” being our first read? Well it was a mistake of epic proportion. Because there's really no where to go but down! I mean, what idiot reads the greatest fanfic of all time and then expects to keep a book club going after that? Oh ya, that would be me. Well sorry for the gross misguidance and all, but this s*** is some panty meltin', nut poppin' stuff. It's like crack to a crack ho --- and the ho would be you.
Help, I’ve fallen into Twilight porn and I can’t get up!
YOU. MUST. READ. THIS. And if you choose to not read this fic even after reading my pleas for you to try it, and after watching my latest MOTU podcast, then I believe you might be A-sexual, and you should really get that checked out.
What? You claim to not have time to read fanfic? A wise woman once said to me in her pleas for me to start reading MOTU: Don’t act like you have a job or anything!! – Well said! And thanks to MOTU, not only is my job suffering, so is my household. My dog is lucky he gets fed. I’m ok with all of this because I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know that life will return to normal after MOTU.
Oh s***, that's a sobering thought: Life after Fifty Shades. Don’t know who Fifty Shades is? Well that’s Bella’s nickname for Edward. He’s Fifty Shades of F***** Up. Intrigued?
Why you need to read MOTU
Simply put, MOTU is PORN-OH-GRAPHIC. But in a good way. Like, there really is an awesome story behind it all, but this Edward just happens to be a very HOT, fine piece of ass who loves sex and especially when whips and chains are involved. Yes, Edward is into S&M. And yes, it’s heavenly to read. Trust a girl, it’s eye-opening in so many ways…………………………
And Bella, well, she’s WAY better than the realz Bella. Her inner monologue is extremely funny. She has an inner conscience and inner Goddess and they’re usually at odds with each other. Like, when Edward throws her up against the wall and tells her he’s going to take her NOW, the Goddess can be found doing the maranga or jumping from foot to foot clapping like a schoolgirl in Bella’s head! At the same time, her inner conscience is giving her the stink eye and calling her a HO!
Why you’ll love Fifty Shades (aka Edward Cullen) better than the original Edward Cullen, the vampire…
Because he says things to Bella like: “Anticipation is the key to seduction, and I’m really into delayed gratification.” But unlike Twilight, Edward ALWAYS closes the deal. Always really sexily too. OMIGODWARD!
Because he’s a warm blooded 28-year old man with green eyes and not a cold, pasty, 17-year old vampire. He can do the nasty with Bella and he won’t kill her…but he may spank her…and he’ll like it. A lot.
Because he’s otherworldly gorgeous and confident and funny and a white knight and a dark knight and wounded and generous and FUCKHAWT!
Because he’s making Bella that happiest woman in the world when he’s not making her the most miserable.
MOTU has amassed so many fans in the world of fanfiction that the author, SnowQueens Icedragon has begun a sequel to the story. And as you’ll see in my podcast from this past weekend, we seriously feel this should be made into a movie. All they’ll need to do is change the names and BAM: we got a blockbuster hit on our hands! Look, since Edward is not a vampire, we aren’t changing any major plot lines here! We’re taking investors via Paypal if you’d like to be involved in bringing this to the big screen! And yes, Robert Pattinson WILL play the part of Fifty.
And that’s another thing…I’ll never be able to look at Robert Pattinson the same again. Not after this. That man is the love child of heaven and hell. Just like Fifty. AHHH!
Now if you haven’t started Master of the Universe yet, go read it NOW. If I were Fifty, I’d tell you to do as you’re told. Or I’ll throw you over my knee. And you’ll like it.
Watch this super HOT vid that has MOTU written all over it! I love the Enrique Inglesius song - the lyrics totally fit the way Fifty feels about Bella... Enjoy!
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