"to my lost soul: why wouldn't they leave me alone? i wish you were here, with me. i wish i could see you. did you ever thought of what we might be doing now, if you were with me? your face, oh god! my imagination will never make you justice. i need my soul. love you, it's the only excuse i have!"
i didn't want to go anywhere with him. i worked very slowly, to make my desaproval very clear. seriously, what was the point in spoiling everyone's afternoon? sure enough he won't be happy with me after this time. maybe that is the point. maybe i should make him hate me so he won't force me out again.
" you are ridiculous kate. really!"
"YOU are ridiculous. you know i don't want to go anywhere. it will be your false if he gets upset with me."
"my false? i don't want to... you know what? never mind."
"what? now you are leaving me like that, without giving me one of your fabulous ideas?"
"kate, you already know what i think about that. i don't want to get in to a fight with you."
it got complitely silent in my head. i knew i have upset it but i wasn't ready to ask excuse. it was wrong to behave that way as all it wanted is to help me but i stubbornly didn't want to be the one to break the silent.
we headed to his car, jared was often turning to look at me. sure enough he was checking if i was still following. he still had that smile, lighting his face though. maybe he was still amused by my former reaction and also because of the face i wore now, no doubt. well at list i made someone happy.
it was still complitely silent in my head,not that it always bables but i use to feel it's presence every time.it worry me a little.
" still there?" silent. how strange! it has never be angry with me for too long. it was the first time that i was all on my own. i knew i have been wishing for that a longtime ago but i got use to it's presence. it felt...wrong now.
we got in jared's car and he started driving us to the place where we were suppose to spend the afternoon. the journey was as silent as in my head, but that didn't remove the smile from jared's face. i got more and more unconfortable with that but i really didn't want to be the one who will break the silent first. well, it didn't bother me the one in the car, not at all. the one in my head was a different thing. i was becoming to realy worry now. maybe it has gone away. maybe i have upset it so oftenly that it decided to desapear. if it was the care, what was i going to do? i mean, i got use to it. it can't leave me now, could it?
"i'm sorry" nothing!
"can...can you hear me?" still nothing. i was soo concentrated on finding it that i didn't notice when the car stopped and didn't hear the question jared was asking me. he started shaking me.
"oh ..mmmuh sorry what did you say?"
"i...was saying that there will be some other friends with us......are you alright?" he asked, the smile has disapeared . he was looking at me with worry eyes.
"mmmmh yeah..yeah! i'm absolutely perfect." i said, trying to be sarcastic. he smiled again, but it didn't touch his eyes. he was looking at me as if he thought i was about to...to cry or something.
"i'm okay, really_ i am sorry i upset you. please come back. at list show me you're still there. you can give me the silent treath but don't make yourself disapear like that_ can't we go back home"
"nice try katherine, but i'm sorry you will have to stay much longer"
"well, at list let us get this done then. even if i find it complitely unnecessery."
i worked out his car, and he followed. i was still trying to find it, searching it in every corner of my head.
" please please come back! i'm soo sorry, i promis i will good." i wanted to cry but it wasn't a good idea. jared will thing that it was his false and i didn't want him to worry. i tried to concentrate on not cry but it was very hard. i have maybe lost the only....thing? that could understand me. all it wanted was to help me, tomake my loss less painful and how did i thanks it? tears started rolling down my cheek. i hurry to wipe them before jared notice.
" pleace! i need you. i'm truly sorry"
to be continue