The Vampires Suck trailer starts as any Twilight Saga trailer should: with a sweeping view of what is supposed to be an
aerial look at Forks, Washington. Even the score soundtrack is an exact
homage to that found in Twilight — these producers sure know what they're doing!
Oh, look! It's the Twilight font, in all its silver shimmery goodness. Twilighters would recognize this writing anywhere —
after all, it's almost as iconic as the book cover. Add to that a dark,
brooding black background, and you get the vampire picture.
After we see more text stating "The most extraordinary story of our generation" (Really? Who knew?), we hear Matt Lanter of 90210 fame take the Edward voiceover, "I want you to meet my family." Who is
this group of mismatched people, you ask? Why, they're the Cullens, of
course! We know it's hard to see anyone else play these characters, but
the Vampires Suck team hasn't done a bad job of exaggerating
the Cullens' individual trademark looks. Rosalie's pretty and blonde,
Jasper has questionable curly hair, and Alice is small and pixie-like.
The only difference is that they have fangs — well, people have got to
realize they're vampires somehow.
"We've heard so much about you," says fake Esme, before the shot cuts to Kristen Stew — oh, wait, it's not actually the Twilight cast. Our bad. It's Jenn Proske as Bella (or Becca, in this movie) and Lanter as Edward. We could have sworn that Robert Pattinson had stumbled into the wrong movie — Lanter has his Edward hair
perfected to a T. He's even got the monster sideburns and pale-white,
ice-cold skin. And Becca ... well, she's smiling. That, in itself, is
After Bella, or Becca, opens her present, she gets a dreaded paper cut that's straight out of New Moon. This can never be good. Jasper licks his lips, envisions her head as a
huge burger, and proceeds to put a napkin down his shirt in preparation
for his meal. He lunges towards Bella and Edward with a knife and fork
in his hands, in what has to be one of the funniest parody scenes ever
to grace the big screen. Way to take things literally, Mr. Writers.
After Edward throws Jasper inside a piano, we're back to the red Vampires Suck font, as "From the guys who couldn't sit through another vampire movie"
appears on screen — a blatant call to arms for all those disgruntled
boyfriends and husbands. We're sure they'll be populating theaters for
this one as if it were a new summer action movie made especially for
them. A chance to laugh at the very thing that has taken over their
women's lives? Christmas come early.
Cut to Bella's trademark longing look from Twilight, as Becca sits in the cafeteria and stares at Edward Cullen's pale-white,
ice-cold ... yeah, you get the picture. Proske almost looks more Bella
than Stewart — could it be that she's actually embracing her character
and enjoying herself?
Time for another ROFLMAO moment, as we see Edward saunter through the cafeteria, deftly applying foundation to his perfect face. While
looking in a mirror and everything. Playing on the Cullens' beautiful
appearance is a genius move — how many of you have seen the flawless
skin and rolled your eyes skyward? Well, now you can get the inside
scoop on what Edward really does between takes. It's not all natural, y'know.
One of Catherine Hardwicke's most famous Twilight scenes is given the parody treatment next, as we see Edward and Becca
having "the talk" in a Forks forest. "You don't get it, I'm a killer"
says Edward, before pulling a gun out of thin air and shooting Alice
from Alice in Wonderland, who disappears down a rabbit h***. Random, but effective.
Did you ever expect to see a shirtless wolf pack singing and dancing to "It's Raining Men"? No, we didn't either. But join us as we
laugh at the sight of four grown men strutting their stuff while the
Nomad vampire coven watches on in awe. We always knew the wolf pack was
We also never thought we'd see Aro, Marcus, and Caius from ancient vampire clan the Volturi participating in frat party–style games. Who
knew they were personable, sociable people? Or vampires, if you're being
picky? The accompanying extras dressed in red signify New Moon's
St. Marcus Day celebrations in Italy, which takes place at the end of
the original movie. Now, there's attention to detail for you.
Next up is our favorite Vampires Suck moment. As Jacob takes off his shirt, Becca asks him why. His answer? With Exhibit A in
hand, "My contract says I have to every 10 minutes of screen time,"
before spraying himself with copious amounts of body spray (or
glitter?). Excuse us, but LOL! It's no secret that Summit has the real
Jacob, played by the incredibly toned Taylor Lautner,
take his shirt off as much as humanly possible. It's a way to appease
the female viewers, and ensure hundreds of repeat viewings. Clearly it's
all about the abs.
Cut to Twilight's first scene featuring the Nomad vampires Victoria, James, and Laurent. The guy playing doomed human Waylon Forge
mistakes them for a different trio. "Why does everyone always think
we're the Black Eyed Peas?" asks James. Let's be honest here: They do
resemble the '90s hip hop group. Laurent even has the dreadlocks to
"Jacob, run!" shouts Becca. Jacob does just that before leaping into the air and turning into a ... teeny, tiny Chihuahua. Oh, how we
laughed when we saw this. By the looks of it, the Nomads weren't too
The Vampires Suck trailer ends back in Italy, just as New Moon did. "Edward," shouts Becca, with uncharacteristic emotion. "Where?
Edward, we love you, you're the best!" shouts a crazed teenage Team
Edward fan, as we see him uber-sparkling in front of the whole
courtyard. "No, Jacob's the best!" shouts a crazed Team Jacob fan,
before hitting the Edward fan in the face with a spade. Now that's team
rivalry, if ever we saw it.